List?

CONFIDENCE KILLERS: JEN. CHAS. B.
CONFIDENCE BUILDERS: Sher, Crims, Al, Genev, my job.

FEEL GOOD DAY: Work, shopping, a walk in the city/park, driving in the Bronx, drinking champagne, going in a pool.
FEEL BAD DAY: Sleep, Jen, eating, not going to the gym.

BAD MEN: Jonathan.
GOOD MEN: James. Chrissy. Sean. Steve. "Hot Ed." Tim, (on occasion). Dom & Anthony. Matthew O. Alex in England

BAD IDEA: Spending too much, eating too much, drunk texting, losing control, anything too tight/loose.
GOOD IDEA: Being strangely fine, trying on clothes whilst looking dead into the full-length mirrors, acceptance, chilling out, thinking before talking.

Fireflies

And what is to become of me? When the sun started coming up, I remembered the fireflies we caught in July years ago, how we'd chase and chase and chase, and when we finally got them, how we'd kept them, hoping they'd last long into the summer, until Mom was no longer tolerant of bugs in her house. But the thing was, once you finally caught them, they died... trying so hard to keep them is what lead to their demise. And Daddy, I know I cry everytime they go, I know you don't want to hear it, won't give me the jar to keep them in, but I still haven't learned on my own. Daddy I let another one go. Daddy I tried too hard. And now, there are no flies left.

And Daddy, this one was so special to me.

I had a dream this morning about the fireflies. There was a long, empty roaming field, and it was hot, balmy like those Julys years ago. It was swarming with the flies, all the pretty lights everywhere. But I didn't catch them this time, I didn't move. I just stood, waiting with hands outstretched for them to come to me and stay.

And in the end, one did.

4 Weddings and a .... David B.?

Ummm, ok, so when did everyone else's life get so interesting without mine?! Am bored out of my skull in NYC. All the lingerie in America cannot make me feel the least bit sexy these days as I feel like a shapeless frump at MMG. A shapeless talentless frump. Hate my new boss, hate the Bronx, hate cheap drinks, need a change. I'm bored. I'm losing my fabulous.

But maybe, these married friends think the same thing. I mean the rest of their lives will be with one person. It's all decided now. At least I've the freedom in knowing that decision has yet to be made for me. Right? why is everyone moving on ahead of me?!!!!!!!

Right.

Ok. So I need a new job. So I need to go back to school and get some moola. I need to stop being rude.

I need to relax!!!

All is looking fabulous as just booked my trip for Sarah's wedding. I'm excited to carry on and look fabulous in my dress. Going alone really means something to me; honestly. I never want to lose Miss Johnson.

And you know the older I get, the more I grapple with that, enjoying just being Miss Johnson. I'm rocking the Miss. I want everything the best, all mine. Good clothes, good home, good salary, good job above all. I want everything.