Quiet and Not Sleeping

Internet stalking has proved invaluable.

Chrissy called toay to wish a merry holiday. I'm over it as I don't really trust the man. What ever happened to his old girlfriend? What happens all the nights I'm not around? I'm driving myself mad and for no good reason. He's a prick and we can all see it. He's cute though. I persist in my forgiveness. But that won't last forever. It is one thing, though, to know your friends, even if you didn't necessarily want it that way. I can't say I'd be sure to depend on him for anything, or even if I'd like to, but he does make me laugh. For better or for worse, it's something.

Visited my Irish grandmother today. She is very sick, it's the first time I'm really seeing it. I was nearly drawn to tears at the sight of it all. Watching her struggle to breath, and seeing how unhappy she was, and knowing that's the relative I most resemble in character. She felt it, too, what I felt all season long. At least I'm not alone. It was beyond sad though, to watch, a woman of remarkable character as she has, and had had even then, struggle. My grandfather loves her very much. And I'll smile for her now because I know she's still fighting. And someday, although the woman I remember is gone even now to the horrid mind-washing diseases of old age, when she ends her fight with this disease, I will be sure to smile for her. A woman who fought until the very end. A remarkable spirit full of the eccentricity that I will always cherish as my own. She has a strength I worry isn't understood by my father, or rather, that he doesn't show. It isn't how she is, but how she got through. How hard she tried and how she perservered over what horrible cards she was dealt and survived. Her wit, her frivolity, all of it, my father may never understand but I will, and do. And for that, I celebrate her now, and I will for years to come.

Feeling disconnected and bored by my maternal relatives. I just don't fit in. I drank Triple Sec and accepted that. I get bored of being different. My brothers are spoiled little children, and adored. It's disgusting. Granted, I didn't like my gifts, either, but I at least had the decentcy to say thank you and to smile. My older brother nearly laughed in my relatives' faces. Even after all the comments they make about me, I wouldn't I wish sometimes that they'd see I have the patience to deal with them, and that I deserve that as well. But for now, I'll smile and eat my calamari; I'm leaving in May, anyhow. You simply cannot change the old. My father was waiting with some dessert liquors. It is good to know at least he accepts me as does my mother. And who'd ever thought I'd say that?

So I dealt with yet another Christmas alone, but hardly so. There are so many people, perhaps not blood relatives, or even good friends, but whom I love very dearly. Thank you, all, for letting me grow.

J'adore.

Reflection

Sometimes I think, how happy I really am to be me. I am surrounded by so many positive things, that at times, it chokes me up and I just want to cry.

There is no greater treasure than to be around the people and the things you love most. After twenty one years, I've finally found it...

Happiness is from within.

So here's to you, to me, to us on this fine eve of Christmas eve. I love you all so much and I want you to know I wouldn't trade any of it for a second.

To us, what we have accomplished, what we have attained for the better, and where we are going... the dreams yet to come true.

All of my love, Casey.

Rainy Morning

Ok, so I'm still gaining weight but have now surrendered to buying clothes eight sizes too big to compensate.

Spent an evening with Chrissy, wasn't so bad as passed out after drinking an entire bottle of Reisling and speaking French to his friend Ian. I need to drop this loser.

Sean from the party has kept up with a steady trail of phone calls. i didn't return last night's, however, because it was raining out.

SARAH AND ASH ARE BACK! But with the holiday buzz and such we haven't met up just yet.

Feeling groggy and as if I slept in a humid hot box and forgot to open the window last night. But at least I was sober.

Needing to go out to a classy party. Tomorrow is Italian Christmas with the Lizzos. I'm fasting now!

Holiday Tons

Have gained so much weight I'm fat again like I was in high school. Am properly a whale and working out isn't helping like it used to. Am contemplating hiding out for the rest of my life, preferably without food or drink.

Have made up with Chrissy and am searching for him via phone as missed his call. Legs hurt as was sweating out the pounds on my step machine. Am slowly becoming a blob of fat and cellulite. Have gained five pounds and ate my weight in greasy Italian family party food as slimmer than slim Aunt nibbled on celery in the next seat. Have never felt so low and gross.

Economics final tomorrow and not studying!

C'est le Fin

The end is here with Skeevatz Chris. What simply doesn't work, simply doesn't work.

And now to deal with the aftermath.

Ween and Second Hand Buzz

I'm flying high off of other people's steam.

Chirssy said the "L" word then got mad. Oh, I adore him. We are currently not speaking, but if we were, what would we talk about? He's perfect. I will never have a day where I do not laugh at the thought of him. I absolutely adore him. Is that odd?

Loving Crims. Had a great night in which I refused to argue with a fool.

Need to go to bed as have cut my tongue.

A Night in Converse...

Oh dear! Had a crazy night out with odd German men who purchased too much liquor for my tolerance. Was ranting and raving really loudly. Simply hope I did not embarrass myself too much.

Lert us reexamine the picture. Five things I would change:

1.) What in the name of all that is sensible was I wearing?!
2.) Mints. I needed a mint.
3.) I would not have spoken so loudly and freely with 90's slang.
4.) I would not have attempted to dance at the Delancey hotel.
5.) I would not have committed #4 with a stranger.

The German I was assigned to was not nearly as cute as the other one, but whatever. (I lived vicariously!!!) He is leaving in a few days to visit this girl in Brazil who is like his personal Chrissy. I have no idea what I told this man, but it was nice to have a like mind. He was saying that being with this girl is this unrushed feeling but he is pretty sure she's the one. Ugh. Not Chris. Yet it was nice to find such a young guy (only 22) who felt that way so self-abandonly.

Other than that nothing new in the holiday season but a few more pounds. Having Cheleastina style my hair and ease an upset stomach.

Then off to work! Was Scarface's birthday yesterday. Asked Bre if she contributed to the gift. Eesh.

Do you realize I will be working till ten PM this evening?!