Wow. The men of New York have always been,... erm, intresting, but lately more so.
Woke up this morning at some 3 AM to the sound of "I'm too Sexy," (which worked well as I was dreaming I was at a club with Woody Allen of all people ...)which is my phone ring. I pick up; it's skeevatz Chris on the line.
"I love you, Cathy."
Wow.
(Do they think that this is attractive?!)
The the second one this week! Well, it';s good to be loved, even if by some scrubs. It isn't that skeevatz Chris is a loser himself, it's just that he is such a loser indeed. Chris is like... a scrub in desguise. You wouldn never know he was bad until you knew him. I mean he has a master's degree, a good job, makes 75K, which is great for someone his age; can select a good suit, comes froma wealthy family, lives on his own, and has a good body. He's just so shabby though in personality... I cannot date a amn who, though he may love me dearly, eats at resturuants that do not even require a knife and fork. He's basically a bag of Lay's. You feel so good until you eat that last one and notice that that one little bag had 45% of your daily fat intake. That's Chris. Great until you get down to it.
A's loser called again, talking about it was his birthday and could they celebrate. We had a laugh over it this afternoon. These men are ridiculous. Sher even had another call from the elusive Leo... That's the fifteenth one thie week and it's only Tuesday. We wonder, we really do, how these men get up everyday and look themselves in the mirror.
"Why are there are so many great unmarriend women; and NO GREAT UNMARRIED MEN?!"
-Carrrie Bradshaw; Sex and the City
And so, a list:
WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR IN A MAN:
(Edited as of tonight)
1. A JOB.
(All others need not apply. This also includes men who work for minimum wage or under; on the books or off. If said job includes any of the following:
A.) Actor
B.) Artist
C.) Rock Musician
D.) Felon
E.) Model
F.) Pimp
Or any other position that can be preceeded by the terms "starving" or "struggling," you need also not apply. )
2. Some Style Sense.
This need not mean designer clothing at all times. This most generally refers to some form of clothing, natural fibers, please, at all times in public audience. Shirts with sleeves (unstained by antiperspirants) also a must. Please refrain from tacky paisley prints or MANDALS. NO MANDALS. Men should not wear sandals. NO. If said applicant's mother has purchsed item of clothing or entire outfit itself; applicant may well be disqulaified. And if it looks like 1987, it should remain there.
3. Must Be Single.
Be sure to keep away if applicant is currently involved in any of the following:
A.) An "Open Relationship"
B.) A "Bad Breakup"
C.) A Marraige
D.) A Divorce
E.) Anything Involving a mother of a love child which leads us into the next reuqirement:
4. NO FATHERS.
(This particularly applies if the father is of multiple children he is not currently aiding in the support of, whether this monetary or emotional, or if the applicant is father to more than one child by more than one mother.)
5. Must Not Maake Me Pay for the First Date.
(I do not believe in "going dutch." If applicant does not deem this fair, let's talk fair. I have pains every month that make me want to undergo a hysterectemy. My shoes are 5 inches tall. I will live the rest of my life being convinced I am fat/flatchested/ugly/badly dressed/unattractive. I spend an hour getting ready to meet said applicant while he spends maybe 15 seconds. Frankly after all that, he can pay.)
6. Must Be Good at Gift Giving.
(Expected deliveries of jewelry or other special item on said birthday, Christmas/ Hannukah/Kwanza, Valentine's Day, and any othe rocassion that would be deemed appropritate such as every first Tuesday of the month, as gifts for no reason are the ones that mean the most.)
7. Must Be Willing to Put Up with an Occasional Tantrum.
(Just nod your way through it. DO NOT disagree!)
8. Must Be Willing to Compliment When Needed.
(If said applicant is unaware of when this would appropriate, he need not apply.)
9. Must Have Some Knowledge of How to Operate an Auditory Telephonic Device. (phone)
(Applicant must know how to use this and use it correctly. Applicants who:
A.) Simply do not call
B.) Call at inappropriate times and refuse to get off the phone
C.) Call when in the room with a group of other straight men
D.) Call on speaker phone
E.) Call to make plans and expect me to leave the house within five seconds of said call which lead into next requirement:
10. Must Initiate Plans for First Date.
Any applicant calling with plans that include the terms:
A.) Hang Out
B.) Come to my band practice
C.) Come with my friends
D.) Come and watch TV
E.) Just come for the ride
NEED NOT APPLY.
Take me OUT. Not to your house to watch DVDs I do not care to see (Earnest Goes to Hollywood) or with you as you do your laundry. OUT. As in outside. Out of the house into a resturuant/theater/park/museum/lounge/wine bar.
Sigh.
Oh, sweet impossibilities~!
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Monday, February 27, 2006
Far Far Away...
The wake was today. Alot of times you go to these things and the body never resembles what the person looked like in real life; K.B. looked like a drag queen in his wake; but D.C.... they got her just right. You'd have thought she was just lying there; asleep. Peaceful. They played David Bowie's hits for her; she was so funny with her obsession. I held K.. he is is so so much shock, doesn't even know what day it is! R was so brave... D.C. was so beautiful, you'd have cried. All the pretty children; you'd cry.
The song "Changes" came on, and I could not think of anything else but the shock...
"Time may change me, but I can't change time."
-David Bowie
I begged Render today, darling, don't go. You and I, we will make it out of this, out of this town, out of this city, out of here. Live through this with me. She said she would, and held my hand, telling me, Cathy we made it. We made it, we're going to get out and safely. I told her I felt guilty, I made it; but D.C. never would. Too many never will. We smiled, though, today, and she told me she thought I was stronger than she was. I told her, I got my strength from watching you.
I begged her today, take good care of yourself. Let's make it, Render.
But we agree, we want to get out of here. We can't look at this any longer, again. She told me today she'd "hop the pond" to see me. We had take-out Mexican and talked about the parties we went to this weekend. I picked out her outfit and ate half a box of chocolates at her house; she hasn't been eating anything. We're dealing, all of us, together. Al was there too. I worry more about him; he's so young. He doesn't wear it like Render. He hides like I do...
We're going to make this. We're going to beat this.
I wander around more than usual lately, given into my usual daydreaming. All I want to do as of late is think about going away. London, Paris, Japan! Finding my career, new friends, new tastes, new good things, all good coming in. Distractions from my sad realities... I am one of the lucky ones; though, I have enough fascets, I'm old enough now. I wander about the places I'll go, the poeple I'll meet, even in some respect the things I'll buy, such pretty distractions... I want to find love, success, true happiness. It's all I've ever wanted; the only daughter of a family that wanted sons. My place, my time, my turn.
A place in the sun.
And I'm going to make it...
We'll do this together.
"Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dared to dream,
Really do come true..."
-Judy Garland
Take carre of yourself, D.C. And know we send our love.
The song "Changes" came on, and I could not think of anything else but the shock...
"Time may change me, but I can't change time."
-David Bowie
I begged Render today, darling, don't go. You and I, we will make it out of this, out of this town, out of this city, out of here. Live through this with me. She said she would, and held my hand, telling me, Cathy we made it. We made it, we're going to get out and safely. I told her I felt guilty, I made it; but D.C. never would. Too many never will. We smiled, though, today, and she told me she thought I was stronger than she was. I told her, I got my strength from watching you.
I begged her today, take good care of yourself. Let's make it, Render.
But we agree, we want to get out of here. We can't look at this any longer, again. She told me today she'd "hop the pond" to see me. We had take-out Mexican and talked about the parties we went to this weekend. I picked out her outfit and ate half a box of chocolates at her house; she hasn't been eating anything. We're dealing, all of us, together. Al was there too. I worry more about him; he's so young. He doesn't wear it like Render. He hides like I do...
We're going to make this. We're going to beat this.
I wander around more than usual lately, given into my usual daydreaming. All I want to do as of late is think about going away. London, Paris, Japan! Finding my career, new friends, new tastes, new good things, all good coming in. Distractions from my sad realities... I am one of the lucky ones; though, I have enough fascets, I'm old enough now. I wander about the places I'll go, the poeple I'll meet, even in some respect the things I'll buy, such pretty distractions... I want to find love, success, true happiness. It's all I've ever wanted; the only daughter of a family that wanted sons. My place, my time, my turn.
A place in the sun.
And I'm going to make it...
We'll do this together.
"Somewhere over the rainbow,
Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dared to dream,
Really do come true..."
-Judy Garland
Take carre of yourself, D.C. And know we send our love.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Casey Jay at a... Frat Party?!
Ok. So the evening started out as a normal one; the day was spent fasting for the evening festivities, and was ended by running towards my bus in my gold heels.
Anyway, it was Sher's third party. I was so hungry when I arrived but we had to wait in line for a table which seemed forever. Sher's parties are always intresting. She never invites the same group of people two years in a row, just some select regulars you only recognize from aprties before. This was the first year I was datelss so I bought A along. I was looking HOT. Well, or so I thought. I had on the lower than low Velvet top - I still didn't get the straps fixed so the damn thing kept falling down all night showing off the bra underneath... and to think I was going to go without?! - with the sash I bought A for her birthday and just had to have one of my own.
Anyway when we were finally seated, it was A and us alone for ourselves, being that we were sitting on the other end of the table at Havanna Central. We were sitting around these two fat girls, Tara and Denise, and this guy who nobody knew who he was but somehow he was invited - he left giving Sher a Timex. We were thirty heads! Havanna Central only has maybe ten tables! So anyway one by one, they finally brought the food. A and I ate like no tomorrow. I cleaned the plate of course, but A was a proper lady and left some rice. The night progressed on and ended with just Sher, me, A, and Sher's two friends. We got to talking and reflecting on our lives from the past year. Melissa has a new baby, Caitlin is having a baby now, and A and I are off to London and hopefully jobs... Sher is just Sher and was nearly in tears telling us how much she loved us. We recounted the craziest stories; the bachelor Balducci party we invited ourselves to, the time Caitlin and she got pierced at Applebee's by the chef, the time Sher and I met Adam, who invited us to her apartment and called her the next day as we were with Jared this random 35 year old with a camera. ("And why didn't you go out with him, Cat?") We also had dubious talk about skeevatz Denise who was sharing with everyone shaved genital stories. And Sher worked at Pathmakr as the fish girl!!!Caitlin drove us around to A and my next party, where, in the car I realised how smart Caitlin is. I do like her and want to hang out with her again... but it's wierd now that she's going to be a mother... but she's twenty seven, its not liek she's fifteen and scared anymore. She says she's very happy. I hope it all works well. I want Sher to take me to the shower!
Anyway, A and I get invited to this wierd party in Tribecca. We go; not knowing anyone there. We simply get into the building and walk up to the apartment. We get in, and I look at A and she looks at me, as we stand in our designer duds, tasteful accesories, and good shoes, and look around as we are in a room of extremely well toned young guys in bathing suits.
("IT'S RAINING MEN!")
We were at our first frat party! It was HYSTERICAL! I drank a beer out of a can, and A bumped butts with some guy who wanted to be signed with Magic Markers. All the girls were ugly and had beer guts and were all dancing horribly to a large flatscreen TV with Michael Jackson videos on it. In cheap tanks that showed too much belly. A and I were the belles of the ball. I got Mardi Gras beads, (Fat Tuesday is coming), and A got the attention of some young investment bankers from Tennesse. We met some cute guys but they were all too young for our tastes. The kind of men that live in apartments made for one but fitting four and attend these psuedo college boy parties all the time. Trust fund babies EVERYWHERE! Anyway, we get to talking and I'm just laughing my ass off at this situation. It was great. You couldn't hear anyone or move anywhere. Soem random gy told me he loved me and gave me this huge kiss, and he was hot, so I was like, "Umm... Co'mere..." and proceeded to suck in half his face. I left with a peck of a kiss and a wink as his friend were like startled and staring. They rooted me as I walked away! The apartment was the entire ninth floor and so hot. Beer cans were ubiquitous. Josh or Jared or Jonas or something with a J was sweating bullets but did not hesitate to kiss my cheek goodbye. Someone kept throwing a beach ball in our direction, and this kid Kyle like tried to hit out of the way and ended up spilling something on my shoes. We left when the cute boys left and got kissed again by a foreign kid! Then we met these kids in the elevator and gave them our leis and beads.
We were going tot ake the train home but by now it was 2AM, so onto a cab!
I got to se A's home. It's so warm and pretty...
Was a crazy night. Just what I needed at a time when I needed some cheering.
So now I can honestly say I've done two things:
1. I've drank a beer out of a can like gross girls int he movies do all the time
2. I've been to a college party... the ones you see on TV and shows like Can't Hardly Wait.
Incredible!
A and I have decided were really are snobs...
But somehow, are not disturbed.
Anyway, it was Sher's third party. I was so hungry when I arrived but we had to wait in line for a table which seemed forever. Sher's parties are always intresting. She never invites the same group of people two years in a row, just some select regulars you only recognize from aprties before. This was the first year I was datelss so I bought A along. I was looking HOT. Well, or so I thought. I had on the lower than low Velvet top - I still didn't get the straps fixed so the damn thing kept falling down all night showing off the bra underneath... and to think I was going to go without?! - with the sash I bought A for her birthday and just had to have one of my own.
Anyway when we were finally seated, it was A and us alone for ourselves, being that we were sitting on the other end of the table at Havanna Central. We were sitting around these two fat girls, Tara and Denise, and this guy who nobody knew who he was but somehow he was invited - he left giving Sher a Timex. We were thirty heads! Havanna Central only has maybe ten tables! So anyway one by one, they finally brought the food. A and I ate like no tomorrow. I cleaned the plate of course, but A was a proper lady and left some rice. The night progressed on and ended with just Sher, me, A, and Sher's two friends. We got to talking and reflecting on our lives from the past year. Melissa has a new baby, Caitlin is having a baby now, and A and I are off to London and hopefully jobs... Sher is just Sher and was nearly in tears telling us how much she loved us. We recounted the craziest stories; the bachelor Balducci party we invited ourselves to, the time Caitlin and she got pierced at Applebee's by the chef, the time Sher and I met Adam, who invited us to her apartment and called her the next day as we were with Jared this random 35 year old with a camera. ("And why didn't you go out with him, Cat?") We also had dubious talk about skeevatz Denise who was sharing with everyone shaved genital stories. And Sher worked at Pathmakr as the fish girl!!!Caitlin drove us around to A and my next party, where, in the car I realised how smart Caitlin is. I do like her and want to hang out with her again... but it's wierd now that she's going to be a mother... but she's twenty seven, its not liek she's fifteen and scared anymore. She says she's very happy. I hope it all works well. I want Sher to take me to the shower!
Anyway, A and I get invited to this wierd party in Tribecca. We go; not knowing anyone there. We simply get into the building and walk up to the apartment. We get in, and I look at A and she looks at me, as we stand in our designer duds, tasteful accesories, and good shoes, and look around as we are in a room of extremely well toned young guys in bathing suits.
("IT'S RAINING MEN!")
We were at our first frat party! It was HYSTERICAL! I drank a beer out of a can, and A bumped butts with some guy who wanted to be signed with Magic Markers. All the girls were ugly and had beer guts and were all dancing horribly to a large flatscreen TV with Michael Jackson videos on it. In cheap tanks that showed too much belly. A and I were the belles of the ball. I got Mardi Gras beads, (Fat Tuesday is coming), and A got the attention of some young investment bankers from Tennesse. We met some cute guys but they were all too young for our tastes. The kind of men that live in apartments made for one but fitting four and attend these psuedo college boy parties all the time. Trust fund babies EVERYWHERE! Anyway, we get to talking and I'm just laughing my ass off at this situation. It was great. You couldn't hear anyone or move anywhere. Soem random gy told me he loved me and gave me this huge kiss, and he was hot, so I was like, "Umm... Co'mere..." and proceeded to suck in half his face. I left with a peck of a kiss and a wink as his friend were like startled and staring. They rooted me as I walked away! The apartment was the entire ninth floor and so hot. Beer cans were ubiquitous. Josh or Jared or Jonas or something with a J was sweating bullets but did not hesitate to kiss my cheek goodbye. Someone kept throwing a beach ball in our direction, and this kid Kyle like tried to hit out of the way and ended up spilling something on my shoes. We left when the cute boys left and got kissed again by a foreign kid! Then we met these kids in the elevator and gave them our leis and beads.
We were going tot ake the train home but by now it was 2AM, so onto a cab!
I got to se A's home. It's so warm and pretty...
Was a crazy night. Just what I needed at a time when I needed some cheering.
So now I can honestly say I've done two things:
1. I've drank a beer out of a can like gross girls int he movies do all the time
2. I've been to a college party... the ones you see on TV and shows like Can't Hardly Wait.
Incredible!
A and I have decided were really are snobs...
But somehow, are not disturbed.
Friday, February 24, 2006
Mixed Up
Spent the day at school. I think I love that place and those girls more than I'll ever understand. There is something being female that makes all the pains; menstruation, birth control disasters, bad dates, cheap pantyhose, MOTHERS - particularly my Italian Catholic one!,- bikinis, endless dieting and feeling fatter than everyone else at all times, high shoes, being single, and intriguing stories of what (and who) we did while intoxicated that makes it all worth it. It was one of those days I didn't want to go home.
For other reasons as well. D.C. died last night. The entire circle of my home friends is distraught. I feel so shabby and worthless, I didn't know her that well. I can't get over this news! Just the other day she was there, eerily in the background, "Cathy Johnson, oh shit!" I went on myspace and looked at her profile again, it's like she never left.
If there were one thing I could get rid of, it would be the drugs. They kill everyone; they take away the lives of so many of us. I'm tired of losing us to this. I'm tired of us losing to this. The funerals... so many kids; always the same, the parent, you can never look at the parent; the siblings, the speeches, the atmosphere of pictures all over the papers and the neighborhood itself. I can't do this again. I want to collapse and sleep; I want it all to be over. I want it to be Wednesday when she was here with us and Alex was at her party. I can't don the black dress and cry anymore for lives that should never have been taken. Why does this happen to us?
And for you, D.C., I'll smile, crying my eyes out on the inside. Picturing you off and free, free from whatever chased you in this life. Attending every concert you wanted to. Up with all the people you wanted to meet. May you burn on, bright and young as you were.
"Kareening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
You're guiltless and free...
I hope you take a piece of me with you."
-Third Eye Blind
All of my love, D.C.
Rest in piece and serenity. You were and always will be beautiful in my mind. We will miss you.
-"Cathy Johnson"
It just hit us today. After an entire winter of summer days, the cold New York winds have set in; it's going to be a long winter.
For other reasons as well. D.C. died last night. The entire circle of my home friends is distraught. I feel so shabby and worthless, I didn't know her that well. I can't get over this news! Just the other day she was there, eerily in the background, "Cathy Johnson, oh shit!" I went on myspace and looked at her profile again, it's like she never left.
If there were one thing I could get rid of, it would be the drugs. They kill everyone; they take away the lives of so many of us. I'm tired of losing us to this. I'm tired of us losing to this. The funerals... so many kids; always the same, the parent, you can never look at the parent; the siblings, the speeches, the atmosphere of pictures all over the papers and the neighborhood itself. I can't do this again. I want to collapse and sleep; I want it all to be over. I want it to be Wednesday when she was here with us and Alex was at her party. I can't don the black dress and cry anymore for lives that should never have been taken. Why does this happen to us?
And for you, D.C., I'll smile, crying my eyes out on the inside. Picturing you off and free, free from whatever chased you in this life. Attending every concert you wanted to. Up with all the people you wanted to meet. May you burn on, bright and young as you were.
"Kareening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
You're guiltless and free...
I hope you take a piece of me with you."
-Third Eye Blind
All of my love, D.C.
Rest in piece and serenity. You were and always will be beautiful in my mind. We will miss you.
-"Cathy Johnson"
It just hit us today. After an entire winter of summer days, the cold New York winds have set in; it's going to be a long winter.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Ordinary Day
Finding pleasure in the oridnary is anything but.
It feels good to run in the park, feel your face with no makeup, no products in your hair, no tight clothes, no miracle pills in your system. It feels good to simply comb your hair before you leave home, no fixidents, no taping here and there on your body, no obsessing. Soap and water and nothing more. To come home and simply do homework; to eat a meal of frozen vegetables and chicken with a glass of milk; to feel your feet in sneakers as you tap out the beat of a seventies record your father is playing in the kitchen. To go to work and actually do your job. To lie down in bed, unhampered by a million gossipy phone calls or scenes with sweaty men in good clothes.
Sometimes all I need to feel fantastic is an ordinary day.
It feels good to run in the park, feel your face with no makeup, no products in your hair, no tight clothes, no miracle pills in your system. It feels good to simply comb your hair before you leave home, no fixidents, no taping here and there on your body, no obsessing. Soap and water and nothing more. To come home and simply do homework; to eat a meal of frozen vegetables and chicken with a glass of milk; to feel your feet in sneakers as you tap out the beat of a seventies record your father is playing in the kitchen. To go to work and actually do your job. To lie down in bed, unhampered by a million gossipy phone calls or scenes with sweaty men in good clothes.
Sometimes all I need to feel fantastic is an ordinary day.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
The Climb
You turn the fourth lap and that's when it starts getting harder. You can't breathe as well and the legs are starting to give, but you push on; trying to work up a sweat just to get by. The wind blows your hair out of place and it is going all in your face. You want to keep going but your body, particularly your lungs, which are closing in by now just want to stop.
That;s when you've got to push harder. You try to focus on thoughts to distract yourself... memories of nights spent clubbing with friends, television shows you had seen, and even peppy eighties hits to keep you going. All you can thuink about is the pain in your legs, the bounce of your body as it hits the track, the rhythm of your breathing.
Eighth lap.
By now it's a war. Between your mind and what's actually going on in reality. Your lungs are giving out, your legs want to give up, but you carry on. On and on, the laps getting slower now as you can't breathe as deep or as fast as your first lap. But you look around and notice all the other girls; heavy girls that are walking in contrast to the thin boys who run with you. Some try to keep up but fall behind; utttering cat calls about your tight pink running pants; a daring choice indeed. And you remember what that was like at that age; to be unpleasant and feel bigger than everyone else at one time. To know you couldn't even do half of this once. To know that those girls feel exactly as you did; that there was no use, and they were locked in a body that had been starved, stuffed and purged every night for two years; the worst years of your life. And in silence, you thank anything and everything that you are no longer that age and are stronger now. And that you will get through this just like you got through those years.
Flash a smile at the girls, hun. Don't you wish you had known an older girl then?
Finally the end comes. Twelve laps. You don't stop until the end; til you reach that green line with the orange flags. You stop, trying your best to look peppy.
The young girls come around and scream out to you "You're AWESOME!" and ask how old you are; surprised you're not their age... one gives you a high five and you smile as they start to run away.
And all you know for the first few seconds is that you did it.
For real this time.
That;s when you've got to push harder. You try to focus on thoughts to distract yourself... memories of nights spent clubbing with friends, television shows you had seen, and even peppy eighties hits to keep you going. All you can thuink about is the pain in your legs, the bounce of your body as it hits the track, the rhythm of your breathing.
Eighth lap.
By now it's a war. Between your mind and what's actually going on in reality. Your lungs are giving out, your legs want to give up, but you carry on. On and on, the laps getting slower now as you can't breathe as deep or as fast as your first lap. But you look around and notice all the other girls; heavy girls that are walking in contrast to the thin boys who run with you. Some try to keep up but fall behind; utttering cat calls about your tight pink running pants; a daring choice indeed. And you remember what that was like at that age; to be unpleasant and feel bigger than everyone else at one time. To know you couldn't even do half of this once. To know that those girls feel exactly as you did; that there was no use, and they were locked in a body that had been starved, stuffed and purged every night for two years; the worst years of your life. And in silence, you thank anything and everything that you are no longer that age and are stronger now. And that you will get through this just like you got through those years.
Flash a smile at the girls, hun. Don't you wish you had known an older girl then?
Finally the end comes. Twelve laps. You don't stop until the end; til you reach that green line with the orange flags. You stop, trying your best to look peppy.
The young girls come around and scream out to you "You're AWESOME!" and ask how old you are; surprised you're not their age... one gives you a high five and you smile as they start to run away.
And all you know for the first few seconds is that you did it.
For real this time.
Monday, February 20, 2006
Again
I woke up this morning with the realization that life goes on, even three years later.
In the early morning dryness of the room made up for Seamus, I could see it. Peeking through my blinds like it always does, what I had looked at all morning as a girl and only stopped seeing recently. If you lean to the right you can see it coming down the street. To the left just so and you'll see it inbetween the branches of the sweetgum tree.
The sunlight.
The world had kept turning even though my own had stopped.
You call and tell me something I didn't need to know. I knew it! Long before you did. (You've always said I was smarter) Part of me wants to shut you up, to close my ears off to it and never hear the horrible truth I had been trying so hard to cover in my own mind for so long. To go on as we had been doing, ignoring the fact that we couldn't go on any longer. To savor the dream, the save the fantasy, not to let the glitter fade again. But childish hope is a feeble thing; and you're getting old now anyway. I have to sit on my hands now everytime I think of it. Bite my lip, suck in my own anger.
Paint on my smile like always.
You''ll never get the best of me. You never knew me at all, did you?
But this is how things must be, and I can't play dress up forever. This burns me worse than I'll ever show. This burns me worse than anyone will ever see. This burns me worse than anything I've ever known. And it isn't hurt, it isn't anger, it isn't saddness. It's a burn like the cold New York wind biting up at my cheeks, calling out all the moisture in my frail fair skin... that feeling that isn't a feeling but the abscence of one indeed.
I'm never going to wear those red shoes again, now so out of fashion... I'll never glow blonde again. I never told you that the blonde, it all fell to pieces while you were away; coming out in the shower and in the Mason Pearson you gave me that first Christmas. The amber underneath was so much stronger, more lively, less pressured without a charade to keep up. You liked the blonde better... you never saw the beauty in the amber underneath it all.
You'll never see what lies beneath it all.
And looking out at the sunlight, seeing the sweetgum tree once again budding as spring never quite left us... (she never left me) I realize that I no longer care.
You lost. It took three long years, but I did it. I beat you and sent you back from where you came.
And finally, the numbness hits me into a definition of what I'm feeling.
Sweet release.
In the early morning dryness of the room made up for Seamus, I could see it. Peeking through my blinds like it always does, what I had looked at all morning as a girl and only stopped seeing recently. If you lean to the right you can see it coming down the street. To the left just so and you'll see it inbetween the branches of the sweetgum tree.
The sunlight.
The world had kept turning even though my own had stopped.
You call and tell me something I didn't need to know. I knew it! Long before you did. (You've always said I was smarter) Part of me wants to shut you up, to close my ears off to it and never hear the horrible truth I had been trying so hard to cover in my own mind for so long. To go on as we had been doing, ignoring the fact that we couldn't go on any longer. To savor the dream, the save the fantasy, not to let the glitter fade again. But childish hope is a feeble thing; and you're getting old now anyway. I have to sit on my hands now everytime I think of it. Bite my lip, suck in my own anger.
Paint on my smile like always.
You''ll never get the best of me. You never knew me at all, did you?
But this is how things must be, and I can't play dress up forever. This burns me worse than I'll ever show. This burns me worse than anyone will ever see. This burns me worse than anything I've ever known. And it isn't hurt, it isn't anger, it isn't saddness. It's a burn like the cold New York wind biting up at my cheeks, calling out all the moisture in my frail fair skin... that feeling that isn't a feeling but the abscence of one indeed.
I'm never going to wear those red shoes again, now so out of fashion... I'll never glow blonde again. I never told you that the blonde, it all fell to pieces while you were away; coming out in the shower and in the Mason Pearson you gave me that first Christmas. The amber underneath was so much stronger, more lively, less pressured without a charade to keep up. You liked the blonde better... you never saw the beauty in the amber underneath it all.
You'll never see what lies beneath it all.
And looking out at the sunlight, seeing the sweetgum tree once again budding as spring never quite left us... (she never left me) I realize that I no longer care.
You lost. It took three long years, but I did it. I beat you and sent you back from where you came.
And finally, the numbness hits me into a definition of what I'm feeling.
Sweet release.
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