There were things I wanted to do by this time. I didn't imagine I'd be in this place now, after so long of waiting to get out. It's sad at one point but then, maybe its realistic. I feel more relaxed today than I have all week.
I think that sometimes we dream so hard about something and try to fight basic destiny to the point where we stand ahead of our own happiness. I'm tired of fighting it, I'm giving in to basic emotion, to instinct I've ignored for so long.I've interrupted a very important flow on nonsense, and its high time to return to the basics.
Monday, December 07, 2009
Thursday, July 16, 2009
24
I absolutely love this age. I would not want to be any younger or older. This is the happiest and most content I have ever been in my entire being. All the bad dreams are gone.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Mine
So the world keeps spinning with Jake the writer and a party tomorrow in Bryant Park for B.
Have realized that this is my life. I'm entirely self possessed.
Purr, cougar, purr.
I've dated old men so long I've felt powerless. What I adore about Jake is that there is, in fact, something to be said for men your own age. What's even better is that he's on my level intellectually; something I've missed. I like the fact that we aspire to be a power couple, and he's TALL. I'm sick of the under 5'8" club, as stupid as this sounds. The fact he's toned to perfection is also key.
And what's best, of course, is that he adores me. We need more of those men.
Terry the lawyer proved to be a skeeve bag of sorts. He was a bulkier version of Chrissy, and who needs that? Eugh.
Spoke to Ker in Kentucky tonight, love her v. much. Love all my friends, a shimmery Sher called to talk about the newest Jason news and whats new with Denise. Matt at works says I have no normal friends.
Loves it. LOVES it.
Have realized that this is my life. I'm entirely self possessed.
Purr, cougar, purr.
I've dated old men so long I've felt powerless. What I adore about Jake is that there is, in fact, something to be said for men your own age. What's even better is that he's on my level intellectually; something I've missed. I like the fact that we aspire to be a power couple, and he's TALL. I'm sick of the under 5'8" club, as stupid as this sounds. The fact he's toned to perfection is also key.
And what's best, of course, is that he adores me. We need more of those men.
Terry the lawyer proved to be a skeeve bag of sorts. He was a bulkier version of Chrissy, and who needs that? Eugh.
Spoke to Ker in Kentucky tonight, love her v. much. Love all my friends, a shimmery Sher called to talk about the newest Jason news and whats new with Denise. Matt at works says I have no normal friends.
Loves it. LOVES it.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Babysitting
So I went over the girls' house this evening and had dinner there with a friend of theirs. Someone once told me that you can tell when a child has been loved; my girls shone. But their friend was so familiar to me, a sarcastic, self-deprecating nine year old with sass. Her mother is Italian like mine.
Is this what I must have been like? It made me so sad, because I understood. I felt nothing but sympathy for that child. Coming to terms with so much over the last few months, I realize how much I really have been deprived of any positive support from that end. My family was never there for me just like this little girl's weren't either. And silently, I hated them for it, my own relatives and hers as well. I got angry for us both. In her case, it was a difficult divorce, in my own, pathological narcissism. I gave her no wrong for being rude, and eventually she caved. I know what it's like not to be able to trust anyone or anything, to have learned that lesson too young. I get it.
I'm spending more and more time away, trying to avoid them as much as possible. It's just easier that way, and I haven't been happier in a while. I'm trying to break the endless pattern I've been living, I'm tired of always getting the short end. I gravitated and wasted my time with men that reflected the same selfish tendencies I grew up around, men who didn't care for anyone but themselves because that was what was familiar. I'm beginning to see the damage it's done me, the lies I told myself were true in order to avoid the obvious, the admission of abandonment, the feeling of giving and giving and never quite receiving anything in return. I'm resilient because I had to be. I'm independent because nobody was around for me to depend on. And lately, I'm tired of it.
I believe there is something beyond all this, the walls I've set up to protect me from the responsibilities of actually feeling anything. I believe there is genuine love and happiness, I see it in the girls and all of my closest friends. I'm beginning to see possibilities again, and that is something I'm grateful for.
Is this what I must have been like? It made me so sad, because I understood. I felt nothing but sympathy for that child. Coming to terms with so much over the last few months, I realize how much I really have been deprived of any positive support from that end. My family was never there for me just like this little girl's weren't either. And silently, I hated them for it, my own relatives and hers as well. I got angry for us both. In her case, it was a difficult divorce, in my own, pathological narcissism. I gave her no wrong for being rude, and eventually she caved. I know what it's like not to be able to trust anyone or anything, to have learned that lesson too young. I get it.
I'm spending more and more time away, trying to avoid them as much as possible. It's just easier that way, and I haven't been happier in a while. I'm trying to break the endless pattern I've been living, I'm tired of always getting the short end. I gravitated and wasted my time with men that reflected the same selfish tendencies I grew up around, men who didn't care for anyone but themselves because that was what was familiar. I'm beginning to see the damage it's done me, the lies I told myself were true in order to avoid the obvious, the admission of abandonment, the feeling of giving and giving and never quite receiving anything in return. I'm resilient because I had to be. I'm independent because nobody was around for me to depend on. And lately, I'm tired of it.
I believe there is something beyond all this, the walls I've set up to protect me from the responsibilities of actually feeling anything. I believe there is genuine love and happiness, I see it in the girls and all of my closest friends. I'm beginning to see possibilities again, and that is something I'm grateful for.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Fasting Forward
Losing something is hard, especially when you can't embrace what is ahead of you. I refuse to move backward to absolve you of all your wrongs. You never think about what is best for me, you never did. It's always about you, your guilt, your idiotic friends, you being angry, you needing "something different."
Well, recently, a funny thing happened.
I thought about you for the first time in weeks, and saw something new. I saw the guy that didn;t walk me two blocks home on our first date. I saw the guy that made me pay for drinks for all his friends, the same friends we had argued about time and time again. I saw the guy who left me all alone to hang out with those same friends on not one but every single important date to me. I saw the pathetic guy who, in running away to Cancun with these same friends, did God only knows what with some eighteen year old and lied to my face about it for two weeks. I saw the same man who thought it was entirely unreasonable that I should, in any way, lash out at these friends after they caused the argument that broke up. And then, of course, he morphed into the guy who took their side over mine. This guy also carried on to date some other girl who is connected to them, (never deter!!!!!) one week after he told me he loved me, and honestly say to me, "What is it you want me to do? Cheat on my girlfriend?" as if we both don;t know full well that he isn't above it. And finally, I'm seeing the guy that has the audacity to expect forgiveness for the wrongs he is so clearly no sorry for, as, you can see, he's done nothing to change them but apologize, as if that in itself, were enough. Talk is cheap.
So, you see, James, its just like you said. I'm looking for something different.
Bye bye now!
Well, recently, a funny thing happened.
I thought about you for the first time in weeks, and saw something new. I saw the guy that didn;t walk me two blocks home on our first date. I saw the guy that made me pay for drinks for all his friends, the same friends we had argued about time and time again. I saw the guy who left me all alone to hang out with those same friends on not one but every single important date to me. I saw the pathetic guy who, in running away to Cancun with these same friends, did God only knows what with some eighteen year old and lied to my face about it for two weeks. I saw the same man who thought it was entirely unreasonable that I should, in any way, lash out at these friends after they caused the argument that broke up. And then, of course, he morphed into the guy who took their side over mine. This guy also carried on to date some other girl who is connected to them, (never deter!!!!!) one week after he told me he loved me, and honestly say to me, "What is it you want me to do? Cheat on my girlfriend?" as if we both don;t know full well that he isn't above it. And finally, I'm seeing the guy that has the audacity to expect forgiveness for the wrongs he is so clearly no sorry for, as, you can see, he's done nothing to change them but apologize, as if that in itself, were enough. Talk is cheap.
So, you see, James, its just like you said. I'm looking for something different.
Bye bye now!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Gala Girl
I had a great time at the gala, better than expected. Jon is romantic and surprising. We danced to top 40 by the Van Goghs on the second floor, something admittedly, I'm terrible at. But it didn't matter, I had so much fun. Everyone at the gala knew Jon, and later I found out he ran for Congress last year - admittedly, I looked him up on Google to check the facts... It all registered. He's surprisingly humble, something the finance men of my past didn't give me. And the best part, is he listens. I'm not sure to take him seriously, I still have yet to really get to know him, and there seemed to be a good deal of women interested in taking my place at the gala, so I'll just enjoy the ride.
He lives right by the river, and at night you can see all the lights across the city. We had more French food and a good wine, though he didn't drink so he could drive me home. I'm having so much fun that, after a while, it didn't matter that he wasn't a knock-out, he's so smart and confident that you forget about his looks. And I really felt proud to be his date for the gala, especially in the sea of beautiful women, some prettier than I may ever be, vying to get his card. He matched his shirt to my new red satin peep-toes, and offered to buy new shoes with my help when I politely mentioned I didn't like them. He's absolutely brilliant, he taught philosophy for "fun" while on a case in Indiana and we talked over my wine and his sprite about Eastern knowledge, and, of course, the Secret. He is polite enough to talk about what I want to, even though I feel a bit silly sometimes, especially in realizing he ran for Congress. Clearly we aren't a match of minds, but he adores my personality so far, so why discourage it?
So, am happy and pampered, and all is right and well with the world again.
He lives right by the river, and at night you can see all the lights across the city. We had more French food and a good wine, though he didn't drink so he could drive me home. I'm having so much fun that, after a while, it didn't matter that he wasn't a knock-out, he's so smart and confident that you forget about his looks. And I really felt proud to be his date for the gala, especially in the sea of beautiful women, some prettier than I may ever be, vying to get his card. He matched his shirt to my new red satin peep-toes, and offered to buy new shoes with my help when I politely mentioned I didn't like them. He's absolutely brilliant, he taught philosophy for "fun" while on a case in Indiana and we talked over my wine and his sprite about Eastern knowledge, and, of course, the Secret. He is polite enough to talk about what I want to, even though I feel a bit silly sometimes, especially in realizing he ran for Congress. Clearly we aren't a match of minds, but he adores my personality so far, so why discourage it?
So, am happy and pampered, and all is right and well with the world again.
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Sugah Babay
Back on track with class action lawyer. Jon isn't attractive and appears physically awkward but you know, he's so intelligent and worldly it doesn't matter. Homeboy drives a BMW Z4, (asked if I'd like to take the wheel for a bit) and bought me a good wine. I haven't felt young or attractive in too long, it's good to be taken to all the better places by someone who can discuss them properly. I drank too much of the good wine, but all seemed well enough aside from a few scandalous comments by me. Jon is an identical twin brother with a neurosurgeon.
So I'm having a blast!
We're headed to a museum gala tomorrow, when I admitted I didn't know what to wear, he offered to take me right then and there to buy a dress for the occasion! I said Jon, we will get along JUST fine... (I decided to wear my own dress, as you never know what to expect from these men...) He also offered to take me for my manicure for the occasion as it was short notice... the world has become friendly an exciting again, could not be happier.
Can't wait to tell D.B.!
So I'm having a blast!
We're headed to a museum gala tomorrow, when I admitted I didn't know what to wear, he offered to take me right then and there to buy a dress for the occasion! I said Jon, we will get along JUST fine... (I decided to wear my own dress, as you never know what to expect from these men...) He also offered to take me for my manicure for the occasion as it was short notice... the world has become friendly an exciting again, could not be happier.
Can't wait to tell D.B.!
Thursday, February 05, 2009
Above and Beyond
Made an appointment today for next week.
Went today for the first time just for moral support; never expecting anything to be gained from it for my own personal benefit. But I have to admit, it did help me in a way; going through all this horrible time of feeling abandoned and thrown away, it was helpful to see that I wasn't alone in struggling. I will never know what that is like, but I can understand what it is like to feel that down, to want an escape. I also felt good in being needed, being asked to go.
The last few months have felt empty. This endless carousel of men with no real tangibility, the endless search and constant frustration in coming up short every time drives me crazy. I feel less and less hopeful for anything different; constantly reliving the rejection, whether real or just imagined. But I mean you see other people having conquered something so much larger than my own whining and misgivings, it really gives you thought. There IS something beyond. There IS an end to the fight. There IS something else.
New prospects looking brighter, at least. Tim the Brit was too dry. Onto a host of American law men. A class-action lawyer, a litigator con MBA, and a friend of an ex. I'm hoping the Opera is in store, I've forever wanted to go... or the ballet! Back to the Billionaire Boys Club this weekend as have been noticed. At least am kept busy. B is back and evenings are active again. I have some red heels I've been dying to wear.
Am feeling better, day by day.
Went today for the first time just for moral support; never expecting anything to be gained from it for my own personal benefit. But I have to admit, it did help me in a way; going through all this horrible time of feeling abandoned and thrown away, it was helpful to see that I wasn't alone in struggling. I will never know what that is like, but I can understand what it is like to feel that down, to want an escape. I also felt good in being needed, being asked to go.
The last few months have felt empty. This endless carousel of men with no real tangibility, the endless search and constant frustration in coming up short every time drives me crazy. I feel less and less hopeful for anything different; constantly reliving the rejection, whether real or just imagined. But I mean you see other people having conquered something so much larger than my own whining and misgivings, it really gives you thought. There IS something beyond. There IS an end to the fight. There IS something else.
New prospects looking brighter, at least. Tim the Brit was too dry. Onto a host of American law men. A class-action lawyer, a litigator con MBA, and a friend of an ex. I'm hoping the Opera is in store, I've forever wanted to go... or the ballet! Back to the Billionaire Boys Club this weekend as have been noticed. At least am kept busy. B is back and evenings are active again. I have some red heels I've been dying to wear.
Am feeling better, day by day.
Monday, February 02, 2009
Every Woman
Feeling optimistic as the days go by. Company layoffs have us down, but there's something positive in the air, I feel it.
I felt absolutely beautiful today for the first time in weeks. And genuinely, genuinely happy. B and I went to the Library, now one of my favorite places. I'm to have dinner with a British financier tomorrow at a favorite Indian restaurant and got a call from my beloved class action lawyer. I'm excited, once again seeing positives in dating. Me and D. are closer than ever, wonder if he'd go out with me sometime? Could you imagine asking?! Drinks with Jess later in the week, hopefully.
Reading my book on Jackie O., the latest of my library acquisitions. It's amazing how strong we women can be when we want to. I'm inspired by her story and the stories of the other women I've been fortunate to find books on; Diana and Madonna. You have to come out of disappointment a star; especially emotional disappointment. You cannot give up, nor deny yourself of the potential in other areas of your life. I'm working harder everyday, fixing my accent, getting thinner, trying my hand at listening, trying to exhibit more of the intellect and less of the diva. A touch of class...I can learn to forgive if they don't lie anymore. It's a compromise.
But the greatest beauty now, is I don't live with horrid uncertainty. I don't feel as if I'm fighting an uphill battle.I know where I'm belonging and feeling comfortable in my new roles. What matters most to me now is developing as an employee, a student, and a friend. I love my job more than ever, as its become a place to express my creative and practical side. I want to develop into a good leader, one of the kind of sophisticated women who I've had the pleasure to work for. I want to be a force to be reckoned with.
When I drove past the movie theater this week, I saw something I'd never noticed there before... a flock of good news geese all about the ice. Everyone stared at me as I broke into laughter, throwing my arms in the air with jubilation.
I felt absolutely beautiful today for the first time in weeks. And genuinely, genuinely happy. B and I went to the Library, now one of my favorite places. I'm to have dinner with a British financier tomorrow at a favorite Indian restaurant and got a call from my beloved class action lawyer. I'm excited, once again seeing positives in dating. Me and D. are closer than ever, wonder if he'd go out with me sometime? Could you imagine asking?! Drinks with Jess later in the week, hopefully.
Reading my book on Jackie O., the latest of my library acquisitions. It's amazing how strong we women can be when we want to. I'm inspired by her story and the stories of the other women I've been fortunate to find books on; Diana and Madonna. You have to come out of disappointment a star; especially emotional disappointment. You cannot give up, nor deny yourself of the potential in other areas of your life. I'm working harder everyday, fixing my accent, getting thinner, trying my hand at listening, trying to exhibit more of the intellect and less of the diva. A touch of class...I can learn to forgive if they don't lie anymore. It's a compromise.
But the greatest beauty now, is I don't live with horrid uncertainty. I don't feel as if I'm fighting an uphill battle.I know where I'm belonging and feeling comfortable in my new roles. What matters most to me now is developing as an employee, a student, and a friend. I love my job more than ever, as its become a place to express my creative and practical side. I want to develop into a good leader, one of the kind of sophisticated women who I've had the pleasure to work for. I want to be a force to be reckoned with.
When I drove past the movie theater this week, I saw something I'd never noticed there before... a flock of good news geese all about the ice. Everyone stared at me as I broke into laughter, throwing my arms in the air with jubilation.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Dinner Party
So another one of B's fabulous parties and I'm back to normal. I drank too much champagne and consumed all the junk I could. It was amazing.
And absolutely exhausted.
"I can't very well marry a dentist from New Jersey!" - Jackie O.
And absolutely exhausted.
"I can't very well marry a dentist from New Jersey!" - Jackie O.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Giving Up
I am the fattest, ugliest, most worthless thing alive and I want to give up on everything. I want to give up.
Billionaire Boys Club
So Joe came through on his promise and I was fabulous and loud. But I got a few laughs and the crowd's attention so all was well?
Had a blast, was just like old times. Started the evening down by Delancey with B and co. We had dinner at an Australian eatery where I chatted up B and E, bonding over the latest in dating disasters. Then me and E took the F up to 34th, where Joe and I had some drinks with Sean. Sean turned out to be the better pick than Martin, unfortunately, but I talked to both. Then up to Cain with T and all the work friends. Then back out to another bar with the boys where I had a great time reconnecting with my high school friends, who came along for the ride.
It's weird now that I get on so well with these people after years of hating them. Everyone agreed that I was the best looking girl at the bar and I acted accordingly, being loud and overly affectionate. I probably made a complete ass of myself but I looked so good no one cared. (Hopefully?) I was wearing my New Year's dress and my new shoes. There was a man to take care of my every whim, but I didn't drink on their tab. I mad everyone laugh with references to Catherine the Great and then held their attention through my stand-by, analyzing their outfits. Whatever. It worked long enough to hold their attention, which was the point. Five years ago, I would have peed my pants if one of these guys talked to me; it felt good to switch places.
I came in at five by way of car service. Thanks to my Red Bulls and vodkas I'm still going strong. Think I'll go to the gym?
Had a blast, was just like old times. Started the evening down by Delancey with B and co. We had dinner at an Australian eatery where I chatted up B and E, bonding over the latest in dating disasters. Then me and E took the F up to 34th, where Joe and I had some drinks with Sean. Sean turned out to be the better pick than Martin, unfortunately, but I talked to both. Then up to Cain with T and all the work friends. Then back out to another bar with the boys where I had a great time reconnecting with my high school friends, who came along for the ride.
It's weird now that I get on so well with these people after years of hating them. Everyone agreed that I was the best looking girl at the bar and I acted accordingly, being loud and overly affectionate. I probably made a complete ass of myself but I looked so good no one cared. (Hopefully?) I was wearing my New Year's dress and my new shoes. There was a man to take care of my every whim, but I didn't drink on their tab. I mad everyone laugh with references to Catherine the Great and then held their attention through my stand-by, analyzing their outfits. Whatever. It worked long enough to hold their attention, which was the point. Five years ago, I would have peed my pants if one of these guys talked to me; it felt good to switch places.
I came in at five by way of car service. Thanks to my Red Bulls and vodkas I'm still going strong. Think I'll go to the gym?
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
New
So things are getting interesting in 2009 as the social scene becomes hotter. S offered to have me move down to her building and Beth is coming to yoga next week.
S and D came over tonight and we had dinner.
I got so angry today that I decided it was enough. I vacuumed up everything. the dead rose petals, the photos, I want it all to disappear. I want to erase that girl I now hate, that stupid girl who was with that worthless white trash. I hit a point in my day today, where, when I came across a picture we had taken last year in my desk, it occurred to me that I didn't care what happened to him anymore. I threw the picture in the garbage and didn't look back. I want him gone now and for good. I want more than anything, my life back, the life I had before I got mixed up in that mess.
And the beauty is, I can.
Sometimes I think we resist change for reasons of fear. Fear of what happens next, fear of possibility, fear of something better. The truth of the matter is, change is imminent, and avoiding it is immobility; a price too high to pay for what isn't gained or lost. I'm seeing the beauty of possibility now, I'm seeing future. Everything beautiful happened after he got lost. The woman I want to be isn't with him. I wish I had seen this, I wish I had known, I wish I had never even started anything with him. I wish I could go back and erase every second I gave him, I wish I could have realized how much better I deserve. I wish I left that night I tried to go, when he held me back. I wish I knew I wasn't afraid.
I threw out the photo, I buried that girl, so desperate to be adored that she settled for so much less than she was worth. No one cried at her funeral. She had to die; and take his memory with her, that monster that robbed her of everything he could take. They went away today, never to be seen again.
And for the first time in months, I felt movement.
S and D came over tonight and we had dinner.
I got so angry today that I decided it was enough. I vacuumed up everything. the dead rose petals, the photos, I want it all to disappear. I want to erase that girl I now hate, that stupid girl who was with that worthless white trash. I hit a point in my day today, where, when I came across a picture we had taken last year in my desk, it occurred to me that I didn't care what happened to him anymore. I threw the picture in the garbage and didn't look back. I want him gone now and for good. I want more than anything, my life back, the life I had before I got mixed up in that mess.
And the beauty is, I can.
Sometimes I think we resist change for reasons of fear. Fear of what happens next, fear of possibility, fear of something better. The truth of the matter is, change is imminent, and avoiding it is immobility; a price too high to pay for what isn't gained or lost. I'm seeing the beauty of possibility now, I'm seeing future. Everything beautiful happened after he got lost. The woman I want to be isn't with him. I wish I had seen this, I wish I had known, I wish I had never even started anything with him. I wish I could go back and erase every second I gave him, I wish I could have realized how much better I deserve. I wish I left that night I tried to go, when he held me back. I wish I knew I wasn't afraid.
I threw out the photo, I buried that girl, so desperate to be adored that she settled for so much less than she was worth. No one cried at her funeral. She had to die; and take his memory with her, that monster that robbed her of everything he could take. They went away today, never to be seen again.
And for the first time in months, I felt movement.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Selling It
So took Joe's advice and will go back to refusing to settle for anything under 500K. Went to a ridiculously overpriced designer hair salon and let Reese and Perry work their magic on me. I suppose it worked, too, A said this afternoon while we were in Lord and Taylor, "Everyone is staring at you!" and fortunately, this wasn't because I was making a scene. (for once)
Am feeling optimistic as of late. I read in Vogue that after someone leaves you become a mess and the strongest woman in the world at once. Joe is to show me off this weekend so I mean to head to the gym and become properly starved by then. Also Tam's party so I'll have an excuse to leave if all doesn't go as planned. Joe is elitist, obnoxious, completely inflated in his sense of his own self-worth but totally and unabashedly honest and I couldn't ask for anything else in a man. It's interesting to have this sort of platonic relationship with one's exes in such a way that you completely understand what is expected of each other. My job is to dress up in something smashing and provide the conversation. To sit and listen to whatever obsolete rubbish these assanine men are coming out with no matter how stupid and conceited it is and manage a smile and let them kiss my hand at the end, saying "How lovely to have met you." His job is to pay for the drinks.
... Isn't a riot?! I had forgotten how much fun this actually could be. And, if nothing else, I at least get to wear my new dresses. (The navy blue one will go with my new hair color by Reese.)
A and me drove through the light snow that fell this evening. It was absolutely beautiful. It felt good to get out the house, lately I've wanted to curl up at the bottom of my bed and remain there but I had fun tonight, just like old times. I adore A, really, I do. Crims is properly up to her ears in work these days so sightings have become scant.
I went to Met after my haircut yesterday and saw a painting I loved so much that I bought the poster. I meant to have it framed but just taped it to the wall. It's all I can do to surround myself with beautiful things when things can seem so ugly. But change is inevitable, you can't expect to stay in one situation forever. Everything is mutable, and all you can control is your own doings. I stayed up past 3 last night watching "Gia." I cried at every scene, really feeling it. What do you do with a [man] who doesn't love you? It travels throughout her career, her sad family life, the lengths she went through to escape it all; feeling completely and utterly deserted and alone and worthless while being surrounded by everyone. I didn't watch it until the end, I never do. But I got it.
I'm feeling free more than anything else, no more oppressive weight on my back. When I think about it, now with a clearer head, I realize how much I really missed being treated right. I miss being wined and dined, going out with men who speak more than one language and have read something other than Sports Illustrated. Men who are good in bed. Men who have slightly more finesse than advertise their bodily functions and discuss their porn habit. And I've also hit the most freeing realization of all: I will never again have to drink a Bud Light.
The world is open and change is coming. God bless it, everywhere.
Am feeling optimistic as of late. I read in Vogue that after someone leaves you become a mess and the strongest woman in the world at once. Joe is to show me off this weekend so I mean to head to the gym and become properly starved by then. Also Tam's party so I'll have an excuse to leave if all doesn't go as planned. Joe is elitist, obnoxious, completely inflated in his sense of his own self-worth but totally and unabashedly honest and I couldn't ask for anything else in a man. It's interesting to have this sort of platonic relationship with one's exes in such a way that you completely understand what is expected of each other. My job is to dress up in something smashing and provide the conversation. To sit and listen to whatever obsolete rubbish these assanine men are coming out with no matter how stupid and conceited it is and manage a smile and let them kiss my hand at the end, saying "How lovely to have met you." His job is to pay for the drinks.
... Isn't a riot?! I had forgotten how much fun this actually could be. And, if nothing else, I at least get to wear my new dresses. (The navy blue one will go with my new hair color by Reese.)
A and me drove through the light snow that fell this evening. It was absolutely beautiful. It felt good to get out the house, lately I've wanted to curl up at the bottom of my bed and remain there but I had fun tonight, just like old times. I adore A, really, I do. Crims is properly up to her ears in work these days so sightings have become scant.
I went to Met after my haircut yesterday and saw a painting I loved so much that I bought the poster. I meant to have it framed but just taped it to the wall. It's all I can do to surround myself with beautiful things when things can seem so ugly. But change is inevitable, you can't expect to stay in one situation forever. Everything is mutable, and all you can control is your own doings. I stayed up past 3 last night watching "Gia." I cried at every scene, really feeling it. What do you do with a [man] who doesn't love you? It travels throughout her career, her sad family life, the lengths she went through to escape it all; feeling completely and utterly deserted and alone and worthless while being surrounded by everyone. I didn't watch it until the end, I never do. But I got it.
I'm feeling free more than anything else, no more oppressive weight on my back. When I think about it, now with a clearer head, I realize how much I really missed being treated right. I miss being wined and dined, going out with men who speak more than one language and have read something other than Sports Illustrated. Men who are good in bed. Men who have slightly more finesse than advertise their bodily functions and discuss their porn habit. And I've also hit the most freeing realization of all: I will never again have to drink a Bud Light.
The world is open and change is coming. God bless it, everywhere.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Thank You
"Well, what do you suggest I do about it then? I mean it isn't like I can just fix everything."
"Do you want to?"
*Silence*
"You can't park a Mercedes in a spot held by an old beat up Volvo. Sell it off or have it towed."
And it's such a simple answer...
"Do you want to?"
*Silence*
"You can't park a Mercedes in a spot held by an old beat up Volvo. Sell it off or have it towed."
And it's such a simple answer...
Sunday, January 11, 2009
San Francisco
After I asked, you didn't come back. You never came back for me. That Sunday in the park, you left and didn't come back. You didn't call. You drove away and didn't say why or when. You drove off being smug. I wanted to rip the smirk of your disgusting laughing face.
I think that was the point that drove me mad. You never came back. Again, you lied and let me down. Why do you lie only about important things, always thinking this lie will be easier than the truth; not understanding that knowing something so important to me was lies will only hurt more? How can you be so ignorant? How many times do I have to say?
And worse still, I watched everyone else have someone come back for them. You left me to stand on my own; constant reminder of my own worthlessness. You didn't think about what you and your pathetic lies would cost.
You didn't think of me twenty minutes after you left to drink with your friends.
I want to forgive, I do. I want to fix this, start anew, move forward, but you have to understand how hard it is for me with that fact: YOU NEVER CAME BACK. I keep tripping over it in my efforts to be "friends." I keep seeing it when I try to forget. It stays with me every second; eating away at all the good that once was, tainting everything until it is the only thing I see. I want to fix this but don't know how. I cannot take back all the things I said and did, you can't erase the fact that you didn't come back.
When I leave for San Francisco, I don't think I'll see you. Maybe we're too far gone to forgive and it is easier this way, a new life for me devoid of anything you ever touched. I can be someone entirely different; focus on my new school and job. Don;t call or try to find me. Don't try. You never came back now you'll stay gone, I made sure of that when I wrote my email. I wanted to burn the bridge so you'd never again waste my time with your senseless shameless lying. Forever, you'll go away and I'll be too far to contact. New things and new faces in a city far from New York, far from all of this.
I've become obsessed with revenge. I want you to hurt, hurt like you hurt me. I want to squeeze out all your lies, even the score so you'll know how it felt and I feel satisfied enough to move on. But that isn't feasible.
You threw me away. Nothing will ever hurt as much as that. Not even San Francisco.
I think that was the point that drove me mad. You never came back. Again, you lied and let me down. Why do you lie only about important things, always thinking this lie will be easier than the truth; not understanding that knowing something so important to me was lies will only hurt more? How can you be so ignorant? How many times do I have to say?
And worse still, I watched everyone else have someone come back for them. You left me to stand on my own; constant reminder of my own worthlessness. You didn't think about what you and your pathetic lies would cost.
You didn't think of me twenty minutes after you left to drink with your friends.
I want to forgive, I do. I want to fix this, start anew, move forward, but you have to understand how hard it is for me with that fact: YOU NEVER CAME BACK. I keep tripping over it in my efforts to be "friends." I keep seeing it when I try to forget. It stays with me every second; eating away at all the good that once was, tainting everything until it is the only thing I see. I want to fix this but don't know how. I cannot take back all the things I said and did, you can't erase the fact that you didn't come back.
When I leave for San Francisco, I don't think I'll see you. Maybe we're too far gone to forgive and it is easier this way, a new life for me devoid of anything you ever touched. I can be someone entirely different; focus on my new school and job. Don;t call or try to find me. Don't try. You never came back now you'll stay gone, I made sure of that when I wrote my email. I wanted to burn the bridge so you'd never again waste my time with your senseless shameless lying. Forever, you'll go away and I'll be too far to contact. New things and new faces in a city far from New York, far from all of this.
I've become obsessed with revenge. I want you to hurt, hurt like you hurt me. I want to squeeze out all your lies, even the score so you'll know how it felt and I feel satisfied enough to move on. But that isn't feasible.
You threw me away. Nothing will ever hurt as much as that. Not even San Francisco.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
For James
I'm writing this here for the thought that maybe you do still read this.
You are never going to fully understand how much you really hurt me. You are never going to know me. And I couldn't expect you too, either. Our lives are so different; you've got a family and friends and I am who I am, the daughter of people who didn't want one and tried to cover that guilt up with so much money that they didn't have to see me. You have no idea what it is like to live a life where you're perfectly aware, from a young age, that you were not wanted. That no one genuinely loves you. That you are around for appearences, another dress that a narcissistic mother would not wear, another expense for an overworked father. This is who I am, they lied just like you did. Sent me away to schools that would take up so much time that they'd never be bothered with me; to a country far enough away that I couldn't call. I don't know what its like to matter. I don't understand what it is to be part of something. All I know, I display. I'm named after dead queens remembered for their rule alone. I'm named after women who lived and died entirely and completely alone.
And what hurts most is that you don't see me. You're like the rest of them, you only see what I put out. You see the queen, not the woman. You see pretty clothes, blonde hair, big jewelry and a good job. You see what I put out, my mother's face, my father's wit, my candor. See me, James, see me. See what a horrible thing it is to be beautiful and forever deemed worthless. See me, the 9 year old that was afraid to go home from school because mommy was so mad, see me, the 14 year old who's first love and best friend is dead and gone at 17, see me, this disaster I've become behind all the glitter. See me.
All I've ever wanted was to be loved. I don't know what that's like. I know what it's like to be admired, I know what it's like to be ornamental. I used to tell you not to tell me that I'm beautiful, but you never understood that's its because I know I am and how little that is worth. I know where I stand with the men I date, what I'm worth to them. I know what I'm worth to my family, I know as long as I please everyone and wear something pretty I'll be fine. I don't want this life anymore than you'd want it. It's all I understand and I hate being a product of something empty. I hate being empty. I want to get out more than you'll ever know. You once told me I'd be very rich. I never told you I tried not to cry when you did. That's all I am. That's all I have. Everything, and nothing in one.
You didn't understand how important it was to have someone to talk to. How important it was to me to feel as if someone wanted to listen, someone cared what I thought and said. You took the phone away first, and disappeared. I wanted to know what it was like to matter, to count to someone, I wanted to know what reality felt like. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be part of something, someone, I wanted to make a difference to someone. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be touched behind the glitter. I wanted to mean something. If you knew from the get-go that you were not this man then you shouldn't have tried to make me think you were. You didn't see me at all.
And now I'm back where I began. I'm dressed right now and have my makeup done, ready for another act, another expensive drink at a bar with a man who is just as empty as I am. I play a part. This is who I am. The queen. A crown of jewels so bright it blinds out the obvious loneliness of being at the top. You're just another courtier, you weren't the prince at all. You're scared of me, too. You don't want to know me, you wanted me to look good for you and not complain. That's all anyone wants from me. And once that gets old, I go away. Isn't that simple? You get to tell your friends I gave you the time of day and I get to deal with being abandoned and put back into a life I do not want but don't think I can break away from. And what will happen when I'm no longer beautiful? Maybe I'll be married and still alone like the women I see everyday, the mothers of children that don't see daddy because he is so "busy." Maybe I'll be alone, Director of This or CEO of That, going home every night to nothing but an empty palace. And either way, people will look at me, and say how lucky I am. They see the queen.
I like to think Catherine the Great and Elizabeth the I had exboyfriends like you. I like to think that there is life beyond this moment, beyond this endless saga that has become this awful experience. I like to think they were like me, good at forgetting what they didn't want to remember. I like to think we could have been friends, then we aren't really alone at all, just misplaced. I'd go to England or to Russia and tell them I understood. That I know what it's like to be somewhere you were born into and can't get out of. That I know what it is like to have everything and nothing at the same time. That I see them; the women who's "greatness" inspired my name, women who's loneliness became outshone by their accomplishments; who's sadness had no name. I look at their portraits now and see sad women. And even if no one else understood for years, I do. I see them. They matter to me even if no one else ever cared, and if I could, I'd have given them all the attention in the world. I'd listen because no one listens to me, either. If I could, I'd hug the 9 year old I was who no one ever held, I'd go to the funeral with the 14 year old I had to be. I'd understand that she wasn't nearly as strong as everyone thought she was. That she was a little girl like the others; only with so much expectation of more. If I could, I'd save her from becoming me. I tell that child she was not worthless, she mattered. I tell her she deserved to be loved and cherished just like any other little girl. I'd tell her her family didn't deserve her, and that her friend didn't die in vain. I'd hold her for hours. I'd tell her it was ok to be vulnerable and human, I'd tell her it was ok that she wasn't perfect. I'd tell her it wasn't her fault she wasn't what her parents wanted, that they don't matter. I'd tell her she didn't have to die with that friend. I'd make her believe she counted. I'd let her know she is not worthless.
But I can't do that. Just like you couldn't love the woman she became.
You didn't see me. All I've ever wanted you couldn't give. And you've no idea what this meant to me, and may never understand. Is that all?
You are never going to fully understand how much you really hurt me. You are never going to know me. And I couldn't expect you too, either. Our lives are so different; you've got a family and friends and I am who I am, the daughter of people who didn't want one and tried to cover that guilt up with so much money that they didn't have to see me. You have no idea what it is like to live a life where you're perfectly aware, from a young age, that you were not wanted. That no one genuinely loves you. That you are around for appearences, another dress that a narcissistic mother would not wear, another expense for an overworked father. This is who I am, they lied just like you did. Sent me away to schools that would take up so much time that they'd never be bothered with me; to a country far enough away that I couldn't call. I don't know what its like to matter. I don't understand what it is to be part of something. All I know, I display. I'm named after dead queens remembered for their rule alone. I'm named after women who lived and died entirely and completely alone.
And what hurts most is that you don't see me. You're like the rest of them, you only see what I put out. You see the queen, not the woman. You see pretty clothes, blonde hair, big jewelry and a good job. You see what I put out, my mother's face, my father's wit, my candor. See me, James, see me. See what a horrible thing it is to be beautiful and forever deemed worthless. See me, the 9 year old that was afraid to go home from school because mommy was so mad, see me, the 14 year old who's first love and best friend is dead and gone at 17, see me, this disaster I've become behind all the glitter. See me.
All I've ever wanted was to be loved. I don't know what that's like. I know what it's like to be admired, I know what it's like to be ornamental. I used to tell you not to tell me that I'm beautiful, but you never understood that's its because I know I am and how little that is worth. I know where I stand with the men I date, what I'm worth to them. I know what I'm worth to my family, I know as long as I please everyone and wear something pretty I'll be fine. I don't want this life anymore than you'd want it. It's all I understand and I hate being a product of something empty. I hate being empty. I want to get out more than you'll ever know. You once told me I'd be very rich. I never told you I tried not to cry when you did. That's all I am. That's all I have. Everything, and nothing in one.
You didn't understand how important it was to have someone to talk to. How important it was to me to feel as if someone wanted to listen, someone cared what I thought and said. You took the phone away first, and disappeared. I wanted to know what it was like to matter, to count to someone, I wanted to know what reality felt like. I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be part of something, someone, I wanted to make a difference to someone. I wanted to be real. I wanted to be touched behind the glitter. I wanted to mean something. If you knew from the get-go that you were not this man then you shouldn't have tried to make me think you were. You didn't see me at all.
And now I'm back where I began. I'm dressed right now and have my makeup done, ready for another act, another expensive drink at a bar with a man who is just as empty as I am. I play a part. This is who I am. The queen. A crown of jewels so bright it blinds out the obvious loneliness of being at the top. You're just another courtier, you weren't the prince at all. You're scared of me, too. You don't want to know me, you wanted me to look good for you and not complain. That's all anyone wants from me. And once that gets old, I go away. Isn't that simple? You get to tell your friends I gave you the time of day and I get to deal with being abandoned and put back into a life I do not want but don't think I can break away from. And what will happen when I'm no longer beautiful? Maybe I'll be married and still alone like the women I see everyday, the mothers of children that don't see daddy because he is so "busy." Maybe I'll be alone, Director of This or CEO of That, going home every night to nothing but an empty palace. And either way, people will look at me, and say how lucky I am. They see the queen.
I like to think Catherine the Great and Elizabeth the I had exboyfriends like you. I like to think that there is life beyond this moment, beyond this endless saga that has become this awful experience. I like to think they were like me, good at forgetting what they didn't want to remember. I like to think we could have been friends, then we aren't really alone at all, just misplaced. I'd go to England or to Russia and tell them I understood. That I know what it's like to be somewhere you were born into and can't get out of. That I know what it is like to have everything and nothing at the same time. That I see them; the women who's "greatness" inspired my name, women who's loneliness became outshone by their accomplishments; who's sadness had no name. I look at their portraits now and see sad women. And even if no one else understood for years, I do. I see them. They matter to me even if no one else ever cared, and if I could, I'd have given them all the attention in the world. I'd listen because no one listens to me, either. If I could, I'd hug the 9 year old I was who no one ever held, I'd go to the funeral with the 14 year old I had to be. I'd understand that she wasn't nearly as strong as everyone thought she was. That she was a little girl like the others; only with so much expectation of more. If I could, I'd save her from becoming me. I tell that child she was not worthless, she mattered. I tell her she deserved to be loved and cherished just like any other little girl. I'd tell her her family didn't deserve her, and that her friend didn't die in vain. I'd hold her for hours. I'd tell her it was ok to be vulnerable and human, I'd tell her it was ok that she wasn't perfect. I'd tell her it wasn't her fault she wasn't what her parents wanted, that they don't matter. I'd tell her she didn't have to die with that friend. I'd make her believe she counted. I'd let her know she is not worthless.
But I can't do that. Just like you couldn't love the woman she became.
You didn't see me. All I've ever wanted you couldn't give. And you've no idea what this meant to me, and may never understand. Is that all?
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