New Year

They say that January was named after Janus, Roman god of doorways and openings.

I used to hate when people said that one door closing meant another would open. I think, lately, and I'm not even sure why, that I've got the secret - you've got to want to turn the knob.

Things have been so good as of late I'm terrified of jinxing it. I believe in prayer again, a faulty Catholic at best. My granddad died without ever seeing me get married, but you know, I think he was proud. My mother, long afraid of losing her father, more than I ever would understand while he was alive, found my picture among some of his papers. I genuinely cried at losing him; the man who loved me when my mother was too stressed to.

I'm inspired lately by my grandmother, so strong through all of this. My Irish grandfather all but willed himself to died when his wife passed, my grandmother makes jokes about the process and asked me how I liked living alone. I've forgiven a lot of the family in this process.

I've started seeing a very nice man. He brought me flowers on the first date (something that, in all the men I've ever been out with and their many gifts, no one has ever done), where we wore tux and gown to ice skate at Bryant Park. I got photographed by the fashion photographer of the NY Times, and met people with names I can't pronounce. As much as I've dated, successfully and unsuccessfully alike (more of the latter, admittedly), there is always the high when you meet someone you like enough to let like you back. The flowers have yet to wilt, and its been a week, a sign that they were given in good faith, Marilyn used to tell me. He contacts me all the time, even if on business. Crossing my fingers it keeps going well. I didn't think I was going to enjoy the date, admittedly, for no particular reason, so it is good to finally be pleasantly surprised.

What is it about dating a good man that suddenly makes you lose that nagging need for attention you used to have from all the rotten ones? Suddenly, "relationships" I invested so much of myself into seem stupid. You get to this place where you suddenly see, it really wasn't you. What is broken to begin with can't be fixed by breaking again, and it never compared to the possibilities I've come to believe are waiting ahead of me.

I see D and I see stagnation, it hurts me because he still wears my clothes. But it's over; new man, C, said you know, you'd have been dressing him for life. And he's right. J got engaged, I want to say I was sad at that news and truly, part of me was, but more than that, a deep feeling of reverberating truth: I'm free. He's happy now; everything had a purpose. I kissed the thought of him on the cheek and wished him happiness.

K invited me to the alumni event for Browning/Marymount, a late twenties version of a dance. Joe will be there, recently divorced, I'll take him around and introduce him, poor kid. K is a dirtbag. His recent trick was to apologize for "going MIA" lately. I didn't have the heart to let him know that only what we care to look for is really ever missing. He's so selfish. And for what?!

I want to turn it up at work this week. I want to excel, I feel like I've been slipping and I've got to give them my entire being. It's necessary!

Happy.