Indian Birthday

Asshley with the Y's birthday. CRAZY. She picked the craziest place, this Indian Resturuant with party lights hanging down from all angles. You couldn't stand up for fear your hairspray would cause a fire, it was great. Everyone from FIT was there and later on, Lar came in in uniform. She had the most beauitful table of drag queens ever, too. They were looking better than us natural women!

I was at a table with Amanda, Meghan and of course, Jessica. I really enjoy being around them, you know. It was good getting out of school and just coming out, getting to wear my own clothing and not my funeralesk Bloomingdale's attire. I even did crazy blue and pink eye makeup.

It was priceless.

Someone actually said to me "I recognize that top from Facebook."

So we drank a bottle of wine and ordered some curry dishes; and got to talk to Ashley who was in a light up crown with maribu trimming. I didn;t get to stay too long, but I'd have liked to, I had alot of fun.

And now, to work, a place of no fun.

Zero

That's what's going on at the moment, obviously because it is only 10 AM. Naturally my biological clock gets up early; I'm an energetic person. I start to fade maybe at 1 or 2 AM, then getting silly and verbally sloppy... but oh, as you can imagine, these are the moments I talk the most.

Contemplating dying my hair to white blond; wanting to look like a pale freak amongst all the beautiful tanned people in the streets; baking their skin to the color of natural clay. I love it, silvery white blond. But I figure my usualy ginger brown is probably the better option. Last time the Casey album went platinum, I loved it for three seconds and cried for three months. I also noticed a significant increase in the number of greasy men who approached me in the streets. None of that, thanks.

Still obsessed with the lovely redhead with the ugly girlfriend. I want to make a scene and yell out "BUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???!" but something tells me this would be a bad idea. Another Catherine Catastrophe.

"I'm and artist, the world of realities holds nothing for me..."
-Me, circa 2003

Can I just tell you that my room has become filthy and dusty beyond recognition?! Definately need to get someone to take care of this...

Oh, right, we haven't got hired help! Best to leave it then, I can dodge the piles of clothes everywhere; think of how it'll tone my thighs!

Lights in this Tunnel

Happy despite the crumbling of my world. Shanghai.

I made money today at the register, I'm really enjoying my new section. I'm glad to be rid of the old area.

I was putting back the hangbacks with Yelin and noticed a couple by the fitting room. They just had gotten engaged and she moved from England to come live with him. They looked so happy and he did up her dress and fixed her stockings and just sat there the whole time she tried on clothes.

And part of me wished I would be asked to go to China with him. And then the rest had to look away because I was going to cry.

I've got to get out of here. I'm tired of this constant mental war between the stronger half and the half that just wants to be loved and forgiven by all the things I need to let go. Jen, Jacks, Marymount, all of it. All of the damage.

But I am going to beat this. Day by day, step by step, dollar by dollar. I've just got to hold it up.

Tomorrow is Ashley's party. Am very excited because I will be seen with:

A) My hair NOT ONLY washed but also combed
B) Mascara!
C) Clothing that isn't for Bloomingdales,' not a SINGLE ONE of my items in black!
D) All my fantastic FIt friends, who I haven't really hung out with outside of our Friday club

It is wonderful to know, at the end of the day, as I sit here; exhausted from work, school, and socializing, that life is going on. And I'm living it.

Sarah's Beads Are Crazy...

Happy today as was at school. It gives me such hope to see Sarah because it's always good to know you're not alone. And knowing that we're both going places, really, we're moving forward, it's just so reassuring.



"Three words, Sar, TONED, TANNED and ACCENT."

"One word, Catherine, WINTER!"

-Sarah and me, on Austrailia this July...



We went beading today, which was therapudic and fun. I got so attached to my fabulous long necklaces I wore them to Microeconomics. Sarah made the hugest bead necklace ever, but you know, she could pull it off with the right outfit. She has these sandals I think it would compliment.

Spoke to Ash for the first time in three centuries. She's crazy, I love it. She doesn't even have a label for Jonathan going to China. She told me to tell him to eat chicken; in hopes he'll get the bird flu! I love her. You need people to make you laugh at your own frivolties. Sometimes I think without my friends I'd be like a sailess boat, tossed on the waves. It is good to know Sarah and Ash will be strong even when I'm not 100%.

No one is taking the news as hard as Genevra, however, who never met Jags and now probably may never.

Currently listening to the Best of Cher; I need cheesy music after a let down, and honestly, singing "Strong Enough" out loud is hysterical and fabulous. Especially when in this computer room at school where everyone beside me knows the words. Only at FIT...

And I'm not alone, Emily in class is in my position, there are so many of us, fabulous single girls, making it. I'm going to make it. There is a certain strength that women possess together that I think has kept us going as a race throughout all of our hardships in history. Women live longer, we contribute, we create, we bond, we laugh, we cry, but we always end up being able to smile. They never got us down, the straight men. And so on and so forth into my proffessional career.

I'm glad I got picked by Marie Claire... I feel my talents will be most excellent there.

I just have to keep up, keep positive, keep dancing. We're going to pull through!

Shanghai

You have no idea how this feels. It's like going to another funeral.

Like I said to you on the phone part of me is relieved. I'll never go down that path again and it's all over now for good. The future is open now. I don't want to see you before you go. I don't want ot have to stand like a fool and wave and smile like everything is okay. As damaged as I am, I forgave you and likewise. There isn't anyone for me to depend on now. And I can go on and try to distract myself with pretty things but the truth will always be that so few have ever really known me. You did and now you're going.

I pass by 80th and I think of all the things we did together, some bad, some good; but whatever, it happened and that's the mark of my very changing. I once told you you saved my life; all the glitter had become too much at one point. But ntohing you bring me has ever been 100% anything; always this odd mix of bittersweet failed intentions. But for the first time in my life, I knew someone tried.

You just didn't try hard enough. I've always said there are two people in my life that are always there to let me down. You will always be one of them.

But both of you I loved more than anyone else.

I wasn't perfect, wasn't quite what you had in mind, was I? Too young, too loud, I always manage to say the wrong thing at exactly the worst time, and I'm nearly guaranteed to make a scene wherever I go... not exactly your ideal Lady... and I guess you were right. Maybe it was too one-sided and I did become to narcissitic in the end. But I tried.

Will you think of me while you're over there? Will you ever call and see how I'm doing? I won't want to answer the phone, I won't want to speak to you, I'm sorry I couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair to me to sit back and watch you go. Let me keep on living in an emotionless denial. Let me keep playing on with my sparkly distractions; don't make me stand there with no dignity.

There's no one left to be proud of me, now. I don't think I've ever felt this alone.

But I'm alive. If I crush my fist closed I can feel the blood pumping through, stronger than ever. I don't need your sympathy anymore, I don't need to depend on you to be there for me now. I don't need any more of this beautiful garbage. I don;t need any help standing up on my own two feet, especially from someone who only let me go. I'm attached and part of me is crushed over it, but I'm stronger than you think. You never saw that in me and it upset me to think that you didn't know. You aren't the first person to leave me but go because you aren't worth any part of me. You weren't bright enough to see this in me; and it's all a loss of yours. You missed your chance long ago and now you're throwing what scraps of it you had left away. So go on.

And I believe you know it, too. Your voice cracked on the phone. I've finally, after three years of wanting to see what it would be like, bought you to tears. I got into you.

I scare the hell out of you, don't I?

It doesn't matter. Get on the plane and go back to the hole from whcih you came. I don;t need another fairytale ending that never became. Part of me is always going to be stuck back in those days; I'm always going to forgive you just like you never stopped forgiving me.

"Which Catherine am I speaking to today, darling?"

I'm all different people, you're right. But you've never met the best of them. And she is going to soldier on, she can make it. You're never going to see me cry over this again. You're not just going to expect to roll up in here when you damn well please and expect me to be here because I'm not 18 anymore. I'm going away myself and starting afresh and you can kiss the ground that person walks on because you didn't take time to know her then and she won't give you the time of day now.

Karma is a funny, thing, Jags.

Maybe it isn't Karma but Fate instead.

Maybe it just wasn't meant.

Watch me rise. Watch me conquer what I've always wanted to, watch me achieve what we used to say I would... watch me as I'm walking away.


And I should hope, you'd look back and smile, whispering under your breath, "Sharp as a tack, that Kitty Cat."


And from the ashes of burnt iintentions, arose another dream, time and time again.

Yea Yea Yea...

Nothing is going on today, and yet I have like 90 things due tomorrow and have done none of them.

Have I mentioned I've become a stalker? Have found my male counterpart, someone just as miserable and obnoxious about their gender as I am, and have been suddenly intrigued. But only for a good swift shag, he seems like he'd get on my nerves after thirty seconds. But I bet he's good in the sack; it's always best when you don;t really care about the person, isn't it?

*Cough, cough* DEREK! *cough cough*

God bless himbos!

Am feeling rather crass today as have to go to work in a few. I'm so sick of that job and all my clients. I just want to tell them, guys, GO HOME. Leave me alone and stop begging for clothes you know you don't need!

Not 100% today, in fact.

I owe it to the Jamba Juice and Cup Noodles.

Blame

For the majority of my life I've given this to you, and you've had this for me. It's become the basis on which we function, the reason we were never and probably will never be close.

My entire lifetime, no one ever said I looked like anyone but you. We have the same face, the same smile, the same odd hair color (a mix of an orangey brown) the same colorless skin. But honestly, same as we are, there is so little I really know about you, who you were, who you wanted to be. I've had to fantasize what you would have done had you been in my shoes over and over again. I know I'm different from you, but maybe that's my own my cynicisim. I think we've thought the worst of eachother so long that it's become second nature now. A safety net built up of all the broken strings of our own pride; time and time again. And thinking back, I know you fear me just as much as I feared you once. But the bruises healed and so did the cuts; the scars fading with age. I'm too old to purge now. Do you ever feel guilty, maybe? I wonder now if that's the reason there aren't any pictures, there aren't any memories of us doing anything together, you never met my new families. Were you running away or spiting me just like I've spited you?

It was maybe close to twenty years ago now, but I remember when you were different. We were the same, weren't we? One of the handful of times I recall with you, you taught me how to draw the sky... how ironic is it that someone I've come to characterize with fear and holding back would know how to express something so limitless? And when I really think it over, you are the reason for my vivid imagination; whenever they would ask, I had to imagine things we did and things we said just to paint a picture; protecting you because I knew in turn it was easier that way for me. I was just safer that way. But I'm old enough to know how ugly truth really is.

I'm always going to be different. Whether this be for better or worse, it's what you left on me, and what I've taken up and continued on; our own work.

I'm leaving in about a month. Something you told me I'd never do, I'm doing it, and I'm never going to know how it really makes you feel. Once again, I'll see you wave with a big smile, the one we both know isn't real and not entirely understand what you're thinking because you aren't going to let me in on that. I'm going to walk away because it is all you left me with knowing how to do. But is it me leaving you, or you at last feeling you can leave me?

All the times you left me alone, all the times you forgot about me, all this time you spent strengthening the wall we've built up; damnnit I was just a little girl! How did you expect me to react?! And it is always about you; you spent so much time focusing on yourself that it's is borderline crazy. Perhaps you meant to teach me independance; did you have any idea it would turn out like this?

"You knocked the glass over, Cathy, I won't clean it up for you."

I won't do it for you this time. You choose your own unhappiness. Don't be upset if I never entirely return. But please, for the love of God and for me, make that decision to let me go. Let me go, end this battling so that I can move on and build up whatever it is I'm lacking (we both know you lacked it, too) and for once stop all this fake smiled waves. It's never going to be entirely okay because you don't want it to be. Let that be the end of it, like you used to tell me.

Let this be the end.

Oh Dear, There We Go Again...

Oh my God. He put up a picture of her. Was tempted to write underneath "What a lovely dog you have there!" or perhaps "This picture ionvokes feelings of nausea and anguish indsie me!" but somehow, found restraint.

How is it that seeing the girlfriends of guys you secretly fantasized about suddenly make you feel like the most undesirable thing alive; no matter how ugly the girl is?

Right.

That bitch was fucked up as Pam at work would say, but I know she'd only be saying it to avoid my screaming in the background about how I'm going to die alone. She was pretty; and you have no idea the discipline is taking for me to admitt this. Well she does, now that I look, sort of resemble Queen Elizabeth. And does she know head bands AND cranberry red went out of fashion in erm... 1990?! And faux fur is a faux pas. That bitch was all over it at the dollar sale by the looks of it at this outfit.

So tell me why I'm:

A) Starring at these photos
B) Carrying on
C) Wonderfully dressed with no man
D) Broke

Right. Have I mentioned that I've picked a priest for my funeral in upteen thousand years that no one will be attending because I would dided a miserable old woman with no one, one hundred cats, a fabulous wardrobe, and indeed,a fortune constrewed from having no one to give it to but Bloomingdale's. And everyone will say, "Oh, Catherine, that was that crazy old cat lady with the big cocktail rings, right?"

Right.

Wow.

Okay, it's getting late and I'm being stupid. Back to reality for thirty seconds, shall we?

Oh, yes. That!

Some updates:

1. Jags called and is coming to visit me tomorrow at my job.
2. Jags has recieved a job offer and is considering taking it for a job in Shanghai. Meaning he will move to Asia and I will never see him again.
3. Upon hearing this news, I am emotionally numb.
4. Not to mention five pounds heavier.
5. Have I mentioned nothing fits me?!

Waiting

That's all this next month will be composed of. Waiting. Waiting to be twenty-one, waiting for school to end, waiting for Bloomingdales' to be over at last (at least for a month), waiting to meet new people, waiting to go to London, waiting to start my new job at Marie Calire. Waiting.

And tonight, i will wait for the day to end, as I am working till 10pm.

Emotionally numb as my life is so mechanical now. I need a trip, I need to get away, I need a good rest. Too many hurdles to overcome in the next few days. Larry's project is due, finals are coming, and I have to hit my savings goal. I'm doing well, I'm just so tired, you know?

But am looking forward top next semester, only three days of classes!

Marie Claire

I will be working in the fashion forcasting department of Marie Claire in London for my summer abraod!

FABULOUS!

Crazy Day

Finally bought the green converse, which I've wanted since I was 13, and saw Kenny Bowen in them. I miss that kid very much.

Went running with Skeeve and actually made it.

Got sent to an odd section with the only girl at work that looks like me. Made my $2000 goal working in the nicer section.

Took the wrong bus home and walked for a half an hour, just breathing in the breeze and for the most part fearing the passers by.

Came home watched Cherry which just arrived via mail today.

And for now, to sleep.

Easter

Easter with the Italians yesterday. I think my cousin has gone a bit offf but she's hysterical and dirty minded. My godchild hates me. He cries. And cries. And cries when I'm even in the room. It is a desparate situation. Lauretta, of course, like everything, is the perfect godmother. Some people just possess that.

Other than that, back to class tomorrow and so forth to London. One month away! Am admittedly a bit scared now as all my lovely little British penpals have deserted me save the lecherous Austrailians and the Canadian soliders. Maybe I'm just not a people person?

MAY 14TH IS THE DAY! I will cartwheel out of Bloomingdales; possibly into all the trash that works with me. I hope I hit my savings goal by then? The bills are arriving in the mail. Once again, I've spent too much.

The neighbors, I have figured out, can see into my bedroom. Hmmm.

Nornna was on the news! Shall leave her a message telling her, but I figure Andy prolly got there before me.

Peaceful

"I'm fine," he said, a wide smile like the Chesire Cat.

And for once, she understood it.

Treat

Will treat myself to a trip to the Met alone as Sher backed out on me to go shoe shopping with someone else's money.

Can't blame the girl!

Isn't She Lovely?

First really good day in a long time. Went out to run, noticed my thighs are beginning to tone. Am managing to keep my weight down, despite binging on bad foods lying around the house. However, a few crunches are needed to tone my abs, slipping away bite by bite!

Talking to Sher, who spent a fortune at Rite Aid of all places. Some people can just shop better than others. Sher is a conseur of all things purchasable; her newest craze being hot rollers. Heard from Ash as well who just went for antoher interview. Fantastic! Jobs galore! The city is ours this summer for the taking! I'll finally be twenty one and hopefully will have found something intresting in London to get me out of Bloomingdales in New York; and Ash will be doing television!

Sun is out and its so nice and warm today, thought I'd go for some lunch in my new yoga pants sans baggy T-shirt. Got more stares than usual. Fabulous.

Am listening to fantastic seventies music downloaded by me and Sarah last night.

Am going to buy myself the capris I wanted the other day. Maybe even some shorts! Am feeling strangely confident in my new legs.

So tell em why I'm eating a burger for lunch with Sher tomorrow after going to the Museum?

Veggie burger, but still... BAD!

Indeed.

Current disposition getting sunnier, despite the loss of what was bringing me down.

Revamp

Made a pact with Sarah today to stop being self-destructive.

Six weeks till London.

And I will be fine. With or without the emotional crutches I've come to rely on.

Sometimes what you depend most on for your fix is what's bringing you down.

I got one week cold turkey.

OUT!

I Can't Go On!

Omg. There is a time in life where it becomes inevitable you've reached a plateau.

EVEN my wierd relatives have found boyfriends. EVERYONE but me. My sloppy brother, embarrassed-to-admitt-is-my-cousin older cousins, and even godmother. EVERYONE but me.

And of course, Jen is all up on it. Fuck her. Fuck both of them. Fuck everything they stand for and everything they wanted for a Seamus who wasn't ever born. Fuck them.

This is as good as it gets with them.

Take every dime and run.

Skiiny Girl Jeans

Mine FIT!

Have added all new piece to my wardrobe that I had but never wore.

Am becoming fabulous.

One step at a time.

Chillin'

Spent an entire day of doing zero.

Ate two more slices of pizza, but so did Ash, so I feel a bit better.

Thankful for these relaxing days that really involve nothing at all. Went running, did a project, had some pizza with Justin.

Have a date tomorrow but will most likely not go. Am enjoying my lfie as per Alex's advice of doing nothing about it.

Have no underwear as need to do laundry.

Took Matt's kissing test, and for now would really like to be kissed... but it's good in a way because I can think of all the new kisses this year. Some random facts:

1. 3 out of the 5 men I've kissed this year so far have been named Chris.
2. 2 out of those 5 were foreign born.
3. 2 out of those 5 had long time girlfriends who weren't me. (BAD!)
4. 1 out of those 5 was semi-planned.
5. The average salary of these men is approximately 80,000.
6. 2 out of the 5 I would like to kiss again.
7. 2 out of those 5 are from Pelham Bay; nearly the only men in years I've kissed from here.
8. 1 I really wish were around right now. :(

Fabulous!

Well, that is a bit of an upper, isn't it?

Sarah is going to LONDON! Will drop in on her and take the place by the horns. (Literally) I believe that Karma owes us some good men, no?

Make your shot, ladies...

MIA

Somedays you sleep at 9 and wake up at 4 and get to seeing the side of things you've covered with piles of your own wardrobe. Sometimes you need a sweet fix, flowing into your veins like the faceless people sitting up and down the city streets, and you know you can identify.

I look around me at all the painted, lying faces, miserable in their own conciet and just want to go back to bed. Their full mouths wording out times I don't rember things I can't say, so full of their own piggedness. Everyone trying to one-up the next, this endless race we keep running to no avail, you all hurt me more than you'll ever know. I'm sick of you all, all of you, you lie, you cheat, you lie to me. Why do you lie to me?

And another day and more lipgloss goes on, the same silicone coating with castor oil as the day before but I can block it out whnever I want to. Anything for the sweet fix of being happy or appearing to be. When you look at me do you see the face I've put on for you or what's going on down here? Here. Where I'm still the four year old no one wanted and will remain that way in my own ice palace.

I hate what you do to me. I hate you. I hate this.

And yet another day goes on, designer clothing and pretty rings on my fingers and a smile that isn't my own. I want to tell you to drop out of the city and out of my life but even I can't do this. You're full of shit and I think it suits you that you should go for what you fall for.

Sometimes I'll find myself looking in the mirror at home and see another face entirely than the other mirros around the city. I just want to fall off my shoes and stop and cry out "END IT! END IT! END IT!" but the world keeps turning and all there is is superficiality and it doesn't matter anymore because now I've become locked up in the palace and can't seem to find the door out. And there are days where it all becomes too heavy to carry around. My shoulders aren't frail, but they aren't without fragility.

(You yourself once said I was fragile... Why did you let me break?)

I bet you don't even know this is for you?

You don't know me. You're just the same as the rest. Forget my number and forget it fast, I don't need another comforting liar. I don't want anything from you and you can't take anymore from what you've managed to get from me. Go back from where you came and stay.














Will be spending this break alone. MIA.

Running Jealousy

Have fallen desparately in love with the kid on television.

The bitch he's dating on the show is nasty. Narsty even.

Have you ever noticed real life reflects what we watch sometimes?

On a carb craze, cravin it all, sugar, pizza, bread... PASTA.

Have finally come to the realization that nothing matters for now except the cash. CASH. I dream of it, the smell and feel of it, owning it all for myself. Seeing that balance for my London trip in my bank account. I don't care anymore about scheming other ways. I need this cash to support myself. Nearly there, too. Once I've got it, I can relax. Until then, have to keep trying my hardest.

Jags emailed again. Said I look fab in my pictures. Did he doubt? Men.

Chris from America has run out like cheap pantyhose. Dick.

Nearly there, one dollar at a time.

Keep up, hun. Keep up.

Deeper

So Dave K. is getting married. Married. Right after I was just pointing out the family's building to Amanda. I mean, let's be serious, I haven't seen this kid in years. Obviously I had gotten over it... or thought I did. I guess I always kept the fantasy where he came crawling back to me, on hand and knee, ring in towe... It's like Sher put it, you feel a part of you go away.

MARRIED.

WHY IS EVERYONE BUT ME MOVING ON?!

This wouldn't be half as bad if I had at least found someone of my own.

Am growing impatient with the male sex. We went out the other night, met no one but losers and men with no real jobs. Every man in New York is an "actor" (Translation: He has a few headshots and mails them to0 advertising agencies for commercials) or a "model" (Translation: He takes those same head shots and mails them to modeling agencies) or in "film." (Translation: He has a video camera.)

Ash and Sher nearly got killed but a raving drunk who broke the window in our faces at the Mars Bar. Crazy. We now know never to knock on bar windows.

Have got to thinking about my life ingeneral and my relationships indeed towards men and how I handle it. Why is it that someone else's happiness always calls attention to your own unhappiness and possible reasons for it? Maybe I am too materialistic for reasons of my own self-doubt and fear of being satisfied and loved. But you know, I do want to be adored simply for myself. But how do you find that, exactly? Surely it doesn't come in a Fendi bag and a box of Godivas every holiday.

Something deeper, more real.

I got to get out of here. I'm bored, like waiting at the dock for this ship to leave. Or to come in?

WHY?!

My ex is getting married. Another one is getting married.

AND I AM STILL ALL ALONE.

Oh my God, I bet the rock is HUGE.

I could just cry my eyes out.

And you know she's ugly!

Free

Going clubbing tonight with Sher, Jen and Ash. Wow.

The weather is gorgeous out. So gorgeous, in fact, that I actually want to go running.

Went shopping last night and blew more money. Hmm.

Ah! Phone Call!

Ok. We're on the list for one place and the other we're smuggling me into. Fabulous.

Have been procrastinating about cosmeticology project; have no desire to do this.

But then do I ever?

Fucking Jags... Was talking to Jimmy at work yesterday, who was going on about how happy he was not to be single. I mentioned I had just recently gotten out of a relationship and that it was three years. He asked me what that's like, to spend three years with someone, more or less, and then just let it go... but when I think of that part of my life, it's nearly another person... all the pictures in the apartment, all the looks he gave me, disapproving childlike... Sometimes you wonder, what you were thinking.

I only wanted what I could never really have.

This rejection is a dangerous thing.

But all that has changed now, I'm different, the world is older, I'm smarter. I won't go back down dead end roads again. I'd like to hope so, at least. And when I really think it over, I'm happy now.

It's really over.

Free...