Apres L'Amour

Am feeling shiny again.

Merci

So four days and a tan later, I get it, it all makes sense. Ker, you make everything make sense, heal all the horrid things I did.

The world isn't black and white, there isn't any right and wrong that's whole. And anything worth doing isn't ever going to be easy.

James, I'm so sorry I blamed you entirely. I get it now. Sometimes bad things happen, people make desperate mistakes, and sometimes it isn't about anyone else. It doesn't have to be. This wasn't about me, this was about you, and I should have seen that. But I was in shock, I was angry, I felt cheated, and I felt everyone around me was out to get something. But there's fault on both sides and we're even now. It doesn't matter what happened, it doesn't matter.

And what's left to do now but move forward.

Von Voyage!

Vacation tomorrow morns, oh, the odious task of packing!

I need this though, a new start, something fresh. I need to forget. Everything is alright, all is forgiven, and I am well.

Fabulous!

Butterfly

I don't feel angry anymore, really I don't. And I stopped eating today.

After all that happened, my weeks of temporary insanity, of trying to understand, of trying to console, of trying to put everything in place, I realized, underneath it all was this overwhelming feeling of relief. My time, my life, my every thought and being, is now mine. I spent so much time blaming him for taking away from me, I never realized he gave me myself back. I'm free. Free to do and think and feel however I damned well please without any criticizim. Without any nerve wracking feeling of not fitting in, without having to try to be who I'm not.

I put my hair back to blonde. I've bought every single beautiful piece of clothing I could find, no longer restricted to buying for the dive bars we'd go to. I've never felt so attractive. I cannot wait to wear every piece I bought, an excitement I'd long forgotten. I cannot wait to put on my new emerald silk dress, my furs, my new cardigans. I actually want to go to the gym, but don't feel let down if I don't. I drink a latte everyday and eat whatever I like and actually lost ten pounds. I don't wait for the phone to ring.

I took everything off, even my necklace, and stood in front of the full length mirror. And for the first time in too long, I loved everything I saw. I didn't have to hear in my mind those stupid comments I never should have believed; how the bar trash that went before and after me had "bigger tits" (that disgusting word) "better hair" and "smaller thighs." I saw how gorgeous my pallor is, how smooth the curves. It's incredible how much we women compromise to get what we think want. We're great bargainers, so much that, like me, we often sell ourselves. Never again. I tap danced for that stupid man trying to please his low-life cronies for a year and I'm not about to do it again. It took me until now to realize that, all their dirty looks were jealousy. Of me or of him, depending on the gender.

While we were out by Lucky Chang's, the balloon man asked what I'd like for myself. I said I didn't know. He told me I looked new, special, and twisted me a butterfly.

I look around now and see that I'm surrounded by people and things I love and love me. All the men in my life now, if they are allowed to stay, earned their keep and made me feel like every woman should, beautiful and special, celebrated for being unique. I'm free to laugh, free to be whoever I want to. All the time and effort I put into trying to please him is now going to who deserved it all along. I don't hate him, but I know now that I deserve and need above all things, to be loved for who I am, the person he didn't want to meet. I have that now, and promise to never forget that ever again. To never live like that again, forgetting who I'd always been.

Thank you, for letting me fly.

Raining Men?

"Well, the thing is, we kind of thought you were, you know, like kidding." - Sher

So Chrissy came round again like always and we had a casual dinner in the park. He laughed at the breakup and said he always knew I was a liar. I told him I had no idea what he meant. He said: "I refuse to believe that you were not the center of attention for an entire year and that you were able to deal."

And then:

"And we both know, you NEVER pay for drinks."

And you know, I laughed, because he's right. We went over all the times he rescued me, all the crazy situations me and Sher and Ash and Bre and Sar and Sash got into over the years, the parties we went to, always with some dubiously infamous B-Lister. All the trust fund babies of bizarre circumstance I know. How I peed on Queensway in Hyde Park, Piccadilly Square still in light. How I got an ex I had nothing to do with finance a 21st birthday party - at the club with the vibrating floor - 2 years after the fact. The time I drank the entire bottle of wine and spoke French to some natives. The phase I went through where I tried to get into sports and ended up with my face painted at a Red Sox bar. The time me and Ash flew in those boys from London, and me and Sher had our share of drinks from an Irish soccer league. The time we wormed into the Balducci's bachelor party. The time I almost fell in the fountain in front of the Plaza, all the crazy times I enjoyed over the years with my friends, being myself. I never got to be that person around James, and never will. I had be resigned, maybe I was seeking a security I felt he could give, but in the end, you get bored of giving so much and getting so little. Yes, I was in love, but i never should have given so much of myself to hanging out with his friends who I knew from day one were not my perfect fit. I'm too old for them, in truth. They were fun sometimes, but I never got be the girl everyone of my friends says they're happy to have back.

I'm older now and what becomes a 21 year old doesn't a professional woman. I can forever remember that a man bought a BMW to please me, but in the end, I'm beyond those things now. But I'm not beyond having fun, and I never knew I would and could without him. The beautiful thing is, I'm beginning to remember what I had thought I lost, I feel beautiful. I feel exciting. I feel fabulous again. I'm not giving up and I have my mystery back.

"So how long before he comes back?"

He never knew me for what I am. He never went out with me with my friends, and for some reason I hid the person I can be, I wouldn't let him in on my interests, didn't give enough of myself to allow him in. He didn't want to know. And never will. I sent my email and he didn't reply because he doesn't want to change. I did so much changing for him and unnecessarily so, never again. It was so stupid. Cathy Jay should never have left the party. I should have never, ever hid. No man was ever worth that back in the day, and James was not the one; he's proven that. I will miss him for a while, he was something no one else will be, but maybe being alone isn't so bad. And if I were to ever do it again, I'd do it all differently. I'll never let myself fade again, never put up so much time worrying about fitting in when I've made a life of standing out. It was wasted time and effort. There was no need to hide. Everything would have gone better had I just been myself.

I am sad sometimes, angry others, but I'm getting out of it more and more each day. I have my life back, and in ways, couldn't be happier. Chrissy always told me, like so many other men, what a wonderful wife I'd make. But I'm beginning to see, how much I'm not ready for that yet, how little I really do want to be that woman just yet. I'm getting used to my new status and not afraid anymore.

Not afraid, not now, ever again. Amen.

"Walk with purpose. If you can't do it, get up try again." - Tennille, my "mentor"

Blonde Ambition

And after all that, I remembered, I'm a natural blonde. The roots are beginning to show, and I can tell you, it's the best color I've had.

Onto the important things; my job. I've been lagging behind too long now, time to pick up the pace. I want to do better and I will. I just have to have faith and focus, and I can have that now. I don't want to let anyone down. I have to be focused on all this.

Sher and I figured out that everything and everyone in our lives can be compared to shoes in our closet. And the beautiful thing is, we each have nearly 100 pair.

Love to all of you, who had faith. And may you all shine on in your roots.

Working through It

Am doing better this week though am still having random outbursts. Am so angry at said individuals. But I put down the phone today and went to the gym and just got on the treadmill and ran, ran, ran until I couldn't feel angry anymore for lack of energy. And then I came home and had a good cry, miserable that I can be so angry without any sort of outlet.

It is just not fair that I can be forgotten after an entire year. It is not fair that he should get away scotch free and I should have to suffer. It is not fair that someone would want to do this to me and then tell me, "Oh, you're very nice." I want to break his new car. I want to break his face in. I want him to hurt as much as I do.

But what good would that do to anyone? He's a worthless human being, like so many others, and I will get through this. Daniel called to take me out again, B. invited me to Michigan, K. invited me to Virginia Beach. I dropped J. because she was no good. There is an end to all this pain, whether or not I see it.

I'm Thinking About My Doorbell... When You Gonna Ring It?!

Hmmm. Some conversation for the first time since the big fight, seemed to go smoothly. Oddly suspicious.

Ok, are we like done with this break now?