Fidelity

The older I get, the less attracted I am to fidelity. There was a time when I wanted a family, but the more accustomed I get to my own and what this all means, the more I long for my freedom. I love J as a person but I know from now I do not want to marry this man. There are so many things I want to do for me. It isn't anything against J, its more a general self-knowledge. I am not to be in a family at this point in my life. I do not want children yet. I want to work on my career at this point in my life, finish my education and become as independant as possible. My own unhappy childhood has me with serious doubts about my ability to give a child a happy home myself. I know he wants them.

A part of me does too, just not the life that J wants to give them.

We will sit at dinner, dressed in our finest and not say anything. Sometimes he smiles and I wonder what it is we are so happy about. I feel nothing. It hurts. I don't like what he did to me. He drinks, I roll my eyes. He has some more, I laugh it off and we go on again.

He doesn't understand that he broke this. I was genuinely afraid. J, he laughed. Nothing scares me more than feeling helpless. He let go of my hand and laughed. I had to be stronger. I'm tired of being stronger. It's almost as if it was amusing to him, seeing me tear up. He'll hug e later and say it's all in my head. What is the point of being with a man who doesn't even stick up for you?!

He whined when his friends wanted to sit with me at the game. He whines when they laugh at my jokes, because J thinks women can't be funny. J is always right, even when he is wrong. He whines when his work colleagues at the party say, what a clever girl you have. He whines when his college friends remember my birthday. His eyes were full of murder the day I got flowers from his idol. He whined when I got a promotion. He nearly threw the drink at me when his mother asked if I out-earned him.

"You're the only thing that matters," he says. It kills me every time he does. I'm exhausted of feeling responsible for fixing everything that's wrong.

I can't help you if you won't help yourself. And I no longer care to see if you do.

And lately, I've been in a mood for excitement. I've forgotten what it is like to be beautiful and admired, and how much I genuinely miss it. I don't feel beautiful with J. I don't feel anything with J. J. feels for himself. He doesn't understand me.