Quiet and Not Sleeping

Internet stalking has proved invaluable.

Chrissy called toay to wish a merry holiday. I'm over it as I don't really trust the man. What ever happened to his old girlfriend? What happens all the nights I'm not around? I'm driving myself mad and for no good reason. He's a prick and we can all see it. He's cute though. I persist in my forgiveness. But that won't last forever. It is one thing, though, to know your friends, even if you didn't necessarily want it that way. I can't say I'd be sure to depend on him for anything, or even if I'd like to, but he does make me laugh. For better or for worse, it's something.

Visited my Irish grandmother today. She is very sick, it's the first time I'm really seeing it. I was nearly drawn to tears at the sight of it all. Watching her struggle to breath, and seeing how unhappy she was, and knowing that's the relative I most resemble in character. She felt it, too, what I felt all season long. At least I'm not alone. It was beyond sad though, to watch, a woman of remarkable character as she has, and had had even then, struggle. My grandfather loves her very much. And I'll smile for her now because I know she's still fighting. And someday, although the woman I remember is gone even now to the horrid mind-washing diseases of old age, when she ends her fight with this disease, I will be sure to smile for her. A woman who fought until the very end. A remarkable spirit full of the eccentricity that I will always cherish as my own. She has a strength I worry isn't understood by my father, or rather, that he doesn't show. It isn't how she is, but how she got through. How hard she tried and how she perservered over what horrible cards she was dealt and survived. Her wit, her frivolity, all of it, my father may never understand but I will, and do. And for that, I celebrate her now, and I will for years to come.

Feeling disconnected and bored by my maternal relatives. I just don't fit in. I drank Triple Sec and accepted that. I get bored of being different. My brothers are spoiled little children, and adored. It's disgusting. Granted, I didn't like my gifts, either, but I at least had the decentcy to say thank you and to smile. My older brother nearly laughed in my relatives' faces. Even after all the comments they make about me, I wouldn't I wish sometimes that they'd see I have the patience to deal with them, and that I deserve that as well. But for now, I'll smile and eat my calamari; I'm leaving in May, anyhow. You simply cannot change the old. My father was waiting with some dessert liquors. It is good to know at least he accepts me as does my mother. And who'd ever thought I'd say that?

So I dealt with yet another Christmas alone, but hardly so. There are so many people, perhaps not blood relatives, or even good friends, but whom I love very dearly. Thank you, all, for letting me grow.

J'adore.

Reflection

Sometimes I think, how happy I really am to be me. I am surrounded by so many positive things, that at times, it chokes me up and I just want to cry.

There is no greater treasure than to be around the people and the things you love most. After twenty one years, I've finally found it...

Happiness is from within.

So here's to you, to me, to us on this fine eve of Christmas eve. I love you all so much and I want you to know I wouldn't trade any of it for a second.

To us, what we have accomplished, what we have attained for the better, and where we are going... the dreams yet to come true.

All of my love, Casey.

Rainy Morning

Ok, so I'm still gaining weight but have now surrendered to buying clothes eight sizes too big to compensate.

Spent an evening with Chrissy, wasn't so bad as passed out after drinking an entire bottle of Reisling and speaking French to his friend Ian. I need to drop this loser.

Sean from the party has kept up with a steady trail of phone calls. i didn't return last night's, however, because it was raining out.

SARAH AND ASH ARE BACK! But with the holiday buzz and such we haven't met up just yet.

Feeling groggy and as if I slept in a humid hot box and forgot to open the window last night. But at least I was sober.

Needing to go out to a classy party. Tomorrow is Italian Christmas with the Lizzos. I'm fasting now!

Holiday Tons

Have gained so much weight I'm fat again like I was in high school. Am properly a whale and working out isn't helping like it used to. Am contemplating hiding out for the rest of my life, preferably without food or drink.

Have made up with Chrissy and am searching for him via phone as missed his call. Legs hurt as was sweating out the pounds on my step machine. Am slowly becoming a blob of fat and cellulite. Have gained five pounds and ate my weight in greasy Italian family party food as slimmer than slim Aunt nibbled on celery in the next seat. Have never felt so low and gross.

Economics final tomorrow and not studying!

C'est le Fin

The end is here with Skeevatz Chris. What simply doesn't work, simply doesn't work.

And now to deal with the aftermath.

Ween and Second Hand Buzz

I'm flying high off of other people's steam.

Chirssy said the "L" word then got mad. Oh, I adore him. We are currently not speaking, but if we were, what would we talk about? He's perfect. I will never have a day where I do not laugh at the thought of him. I absolutely adore him. Is that odd?

Loving Crims. Had a great night in which I refused to argue with a fool.

Need to go to bed as have cut my tongue.

A Night in Converse...

Oh dear! Had a crazy night out with odd German men who purchased too much liquor for my tolerance. Was ranting and raving really loudly. Simply hope I did not embarrass myself too much.

Lert us reexamine the picture. Five things I would change:

1.) What in the name of all that is sensible was I wearing?!
2.) Mints. I needed a mint.
3.) I would not have spoken so loudly and freely with 90's slang.
4.) I would not have attempted to dance at the Delancey hotel.
5.) I would not have committed #4 with a stranger.

The German I was assigned to was not nearly as cute as the other one, but whatever. (I lived vicariously!!!) He is leaving in a few days to visit this girl in Brazil who is like his personal Chrissy. I have no idea what I told this man, but it was nice to have a like mind. He was saying that being with this girl is this unrushed feeling but he is pretty sure she's the one. Ugh. Not Chris. Yet it was nice to find such a young guy (only 22) who felt that way so self-abandonly.

Other than that nothing new in the holiday season but a few more pounds. Having Cheleastina style my hair and ease an upset stomach.

Then off to work! Was Scarface's birthday yesterday. Asked Bre if she contributed to the gift. Eesh.

Do you realize I will be working till ten PM this evening?!

Work and Fabulousness

Loving my job as of late. The girls I work with love my body. I need that boost sometimes, especially since I'm no longer as toned as I was a month ago. They marveled at my wiast today as I tried on this corset. I nearly bought the thing because they all thought it looked so nice!

The weekend was crazy. Wrote my cross cultural studies paper (all 25 pages) all of Sunday. Can now live life without thinking about it. It needs some serious editing, however. But that can be done within seconds.

Went out with Chrissy on Saturday. Adore him lately. He had nerve to tell me, "Catherine, I'm only buying ONE ring." as if to suggest a marraige to me would end in divorce. i told him I'd exchange the ring if I got a bad one. Poor guy was disgusted I even suggested he'd be giving me a ring! (after all my misgivings, my affections that change with the hour) I love how well the man knows me, as odd as this sounds. Being able to laugh at yourself is a precious thing. He teased my shopping, too. Having nerve to say, "When I go, I only look!" I said, "Yes, but I'M not cheap..."

I cannot decide if the man is a prick or if I am enthralled by him. I come to a conclusion sometimes, then of course, it changes. I guess that's what keeps me coming back. Not knowing where i stand.

Loving N and J. Had some mid-day drinks and a good couple of laughs. There is a companionship amongst women that I'm sure is entirely oblivious in the eyes of most men. I love having the freedom to speak as I wish to at school. I know I'm going to look back at these days, tedious as they can be, and remember them most fondly.

Love to you all for being my rainbow.

The Taming from the Shrew

I need a drink. I've always said that people who say this are needy impossible beings but I do. A drink.

Exhausted and frustrated and have no one else to blame but myself. Have you ever pulled and pulled and pulled and have gotten nowhere? This isn't fair to me. I have fantasies of me doing the right thing, walking off without a note goodbye. Leaving without anything to say other than a possible, "too bad." But I never do it. The problem is mine entirely and I'm too used to this issue. Call me dramatic but see me for what I am, the little girl who created an entirely imaginary world to get away from the cold realities.

Don't break this world and leave me standing here, Chrissy. You've taken it all away and if you keep going and leaving me with nothing, really, I have nothing.

Nothing.

I can get over thius like I did the others, I just keep going, I'm good at leaving and going, going, going until it just doesn't matter anymore. When I want something enough I take it. I've beat death, I've beat Shanghai, and I can beat this.

So you tell me when to give up.

Waiting on a Friend...

Playing that song on my ITunes. So fitting for my life currently.

Date with the doctor was a success, but so much that I'm a bit curious; like waiting for something bad to happen. He was three quarters normal, but SUCH a California boy. Shaggy hair, roadtrip history, and vacations in exotic Thailand. A refreshing contrast as compared with that Lousiana redneck the other night. And shut up, he's a DOCTOR!!!!!

Was very natural wth the doctor. No need for forced conversation ect. I like knowing the person likes me. Was very nice.

Here Come the Holidays!

Oh joy. This is, literally, every retail worker's nightmare. Christmas, Hannukah, and whatever else people celebrate. It is one big pain in the ass.

Speaking of which, the men in my life are, as always, keeping me at bay. Went out with the taxman from New Orleans last night at Tao. The man was a dissappointment and half. He was cute, well dressed, liked good wine and shoes, BUT shaves his legs and keeps his mother's ashes on display in his apartment. YES. He was easily the wierdest man I've ever gone out with. (and THAT is a pretty hard line to cross...) He had a terriblely loud Southern accent and did not understand any of the faux pas of the North and yelled out terms like HOMOSEXUALS and WHITES (without saying anything derogatory about either group, but the volume and the accent were just so awful) so that everyone around us stared. The WORST!

(Is it any surprise I found him on line at Crobar?!)

He has, however, texted me consistently throughout the day. Needless to say, I will not be writing back.

Although, admittedly, I did get a kick out of his use of "dang."

And tomorrow brings on another possible disaster. Ben the doctor has come to rise. We're dining near my job.

But lately, I just don't care.

Back to reality. Asked Chrissy where it was going today. He said he didn't think it wasn't going anywhere. Could have been said in different words, but I think of him more fondly these days.

Oh, but how fickle our affections, Casey! Before I realized that the taxman was a disaster in a good suit, poor Chrissy was old news.

Let's hope for the best, eh?

Tomorrow is the start of the Annual Casey Christmas Diet. The starve-all-December-so-that-you're-ravenous-and-eat-everything-at-Christmas post Thanksgiving diet.

Looking hot in my new suit and new coat. Will sport that badgirl tomorrow out with the doctor. Until then, will return to my fantasies of the hot taxman suddenly becoming a different person overnight.

Love to Sarah, who keeps a faithful reader.

Party at the Lizzos

Family party in which I was emersed in a sea of respective girl/boyfriends all alone. The first of many, unfortunately. I'm beyond disgusted with that. It wouldn't be so bad if they didn't take these people everywhere. Damn boring family members.

Ugh... and that Ashley. Ugh seeing Jen with her. Disgust. It's bad enough she bothered me my entire life but to sit and beam at MY education, please. There's nothing more I can't stand about the woman than her habit of taking credit for things she didn't do, or for that matter, pay for. But a happy Jen is a paying Charlie. And I'm taking every cent until May.

I do not enjoy taking directions from anyone on how to live my life. It's mine. I can judge and I got here all on my own will. I don't need any advice on anyone. I'm tired of people knocking Chris when I've supported every last one of their relationships, even if I knew nothing good can come of them. My happiness should be worth more than their predjudices. And since when are these people worthy judges of character?

Am feeling restless and impatient lately. I want to be out of here so badly. It gets unbearable most at these times, everyone and their worthless advice. Asking me to do them favors when they can't help me out. And the major issue is, their never going to see fault on their own side. These people work my nerves. They don't even know any better. Why should I be expected to help out with something that didn't involve me at all? Why should I be asked to support this nonsense that barred me out even farther? Why am I expected to go on smiling like an idiot when it is so obvious that I am owed an apology.

I'm not asking for much. Just tell me you know. Tell me you see it that you were wrong and that it shouldn't have been like this. Give me what is owed to me. I've fought so hard, so hard I can hardly recognize kindness when it comes my way, and poor men like Chrissy here are left to deal with the remains.

I need to leave ti all. To go. I'm ready to leave this city, this home. I'm ready.

The Current Situation

Umm.. Let's discuss all the things I would like to call attention to on this fine Wednesday morning. Mothers who are raising America's sons needs to take a step up. I am disgusted with all of the male species in my generation and perhaps the ones before as well. Gross, blood sucking pigs who crowd the streets trying to draw attention to themselves by shouting out sexual slurs at any female passing by. Expecting girlfriends and female companions to be subserviant, act as their mothers did, carrying on and cleaning up after them.

I'm so over it, it is not even funny.

I therefor ask for, nae, DEMAND a better class of straight men be put into motion. I would like to set this revolution in order! Here here!

Other than that, Alex is in France. Missing his words of wisdom and hoping all is going well. Getting ready for work and dreading the moment I have to go into motion, hoping Marlin is around to help out.

Am over it and carrying on, can you tell?

Adoration

Skeevatz Chris took me to see Marie Antionette. He really does try. Maybe Crims is right and I'm creating the problem?

Ready and Over It.

Have slowly become a has been without as new has.

Saturday at the Park

Drinking $3 wine and sitting in the cold woods can be unbelievably entertaining.

Fucking English men in New York never call in time.

Winning the Battle, Losing the War...

OK. So I finally got to attend one of Chris' shows. Honestly, I really enjoyed his band. He moves around! They play well, better than I expected, and these days I've so few nice things to say about Skeevatz Chris anyway. Well, not recently. I'm losing the war. Was very cute how serious he gets about it, I was written in on an old manilla envelope in the front, constitituting the "list." I couldn't help but think, four or five years ago, this would have been so cool. Looking around at that show was just depressing in a way. Old age; the fact that I don't know any of the kids there anymore, and if I did, it'd be through some connection with Steve. And, of course, the fact that alot of those same kids I used to love to see at these things have passed on in the recent years. You know, I see some of them sometimes and they wonder why I don't say hello; why I dropped the JNCOs and the Vans look; why I went from Cathy to Catherine. I got out. It is a strange and colorful world I hope never to visit again.

Now I'm being dramatic.

And you have to wonder, which one would I have been? There was this one prissy blonde a few rows in front of me, wearing a soccer sweatshirt from a private school we had at our dances. I still have my field hockey sweatshirt, the one I wore holes in. She even sported the same hair coloring; amber shimmer #52. Oh, the tacky days!

But in all seriousness aside to my PMSing, I couldn't help but text J. and say, "Chuck a quarter at them."

And if you really think it over, I have gotten out. But there are things I miss about being here all the time, mainly one of course being Jonas. But Chris replaced Jonas, same in-and-out feeling. Only this time I'm old enough to know the difference.

So yes, I've won the battle. I was even nice to his friends, and genuinely happy to see another one's girlfriend. I think she likes me well enough. We've planned out outfits to advertise the band.

I'm losing the war, however. At least today, and oh, how fickle are these affections! When he drove away, I got that feeling, you know where you want to call back but have nothing to say.

A Pamprin will clear that right up and get me back on track AND on the phone with IFF.

Am making new advances at work. My shirts and cashmeres are WALKING off the shelves along with the coats and that retro fit polo. We had a cake for Julius. Am beginning to love work.

Have the faintest notion to call the girl just like me. The other bitches would CRY!

Have I mentioned I'm going broke? Bought another pair of shoes today... at least mentally. Will possibly pick them up tomorrow.

Harrassing C. with S. Love her.

Entry for Sarafilia...

Well dreams of being New York's next trophy wife shameslessy shattered as the delightful Marcus cancelled on me, leaving me to whimper and whine like a wounded animal on the other end. Clearly, will not be hearing from him again. Or will we?

These days, nothing these men do surprises me. I have come to see my romantic fate as a mere ocean filled with lusty currents dragging me away like a piece of driftwood. Somedays I'm really bothered by it, others I'm fine. Frankly I'm giving up.

Well, Skeevatz Chris is always around. Is it wrong to say you're beginning to enjoy the company of a man you once described as a foot fungus? There is something very soothing about Chris. The unconditional, knowing I'll always have him left in the bag is priceless. We discussed relationships once again tonight. I think he's in favor of it. But you know, that scares me. The chance of it actually working out, with Chris of all people, is not a chance I can afford to take. But at the cost of being alone all evening, jerking this kid around...

Needless to say when he anticipated me going home alone and sad he called. Was good to get a hug. Who ever thought I'd be the one to say it?

Mother's fiftieth is this weekend.

Stuck it to those pathetic girls in class. The older I get the more and more childish I find things around me. Am glad for people of previously deemed dubious nature. Soemtimes you meet the coolest people in the unexpected bodies!

Wishing Alex was online, would like a chat. I think he's in France.

Am broker than broke these days.

Missing Sarafilia, who I am writing this for.

Tasting My Own Medicine in the Taming of the Skeeves

OMG! I can no longer shamelessly stalk Skeevatz Chris via MySapce! He put up a privacy as well!!!!!

But I've notice my taming act is working. He apologized for three minutes on my answering machine last night. Aha. Got him down, indeed.

Wore out my new boots last night at Mo's of all places while Sher romanced a greasey Italian man. Hmm. Met the fabulous Kate and Melissa of course was in the mix. Got ridiculous amounts of men in the streets whilst sporting my new riding boots. I looked so hot. Wow.

Am currently broke and still shopping.

Wow.

The phone isn't ringing and it is you not calling. I never knew I meant what I said. I never knew I could be this sad at the thought of not ever speaking to you again. People make mistakes, my life is full of them. I'm sorry, and I hope you hear that.

Really, I do.

High and Dry

Missing my friend and assessing my life now at home with washed hair, good skin and solemn attitude.

Is there someday that you decide, this is what I want and I'm going for it? I want to know, looking at Sean and even Steve, how they escaped this, being so constrewed as I am, wanting more. I want it so badly. I want to be away, far away from all of this.

But at the cost of losing who took care of me? You know I've dated alot of men, no one ever took care of me like that.

I can't use being afraid as an excuse forever.

Crimson and everyone else says I'm right. I did the right thing. Since when did I care so much?

This si something I want. The best kind of want. The want you didn't realize you needed until you had it.

And let it go.

I called about four hundred times, no answer, no answer. I don't care anymore. What can I do? I know I'm capable of stronger emotions, more sharp senses of feelings. I created this and I let it go.

I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or worse. You picture yourself at last being let free of this evervescent lonliness, then to realise, you were alone all along.

Running Away

My philosophy on life was never stop going. Keep going on. I learned to soldier on through most horrible of situations, I made it alone.

But when, when, when is it time to stop?

Early Morning Contemplation

Recovering from the most I've ever drank in my life last night, or at least the worst it ever hit me. Vodka goes down quicker. Cheap liquor settles. And then makes a second appearence, all over your best friend's bathroom floor although you aimed to throw it up in the bowl. The damn thing kept moving...

But screw that. I need to assess my life. I'm five pounds heavier. I'm with a man I don't really like. But you know, I don't know what it is about Chris. Say what you will about him, yes, I've said it over and over, he is skeevy and has dubious taste in his friends, who, although I don't even respect as human beings, I do find myself fantasizing about and have even told poor Chrissy about this... hmm... I just can't seem to leave. Is it the fear of being alone or simple attraction? I'm not attracted, I knwo that, none of the fireworks ignited by his loser friend for example go off for Chrissy. It's more the underlying feeling of security maybe. Chrissy understands me, well my negative attributes, at least, and being me I dwell on these myself and thus am attracted to him. Right? Or is it the feeling of being taken care of... the constant secuirty and safeguard that you know at the end of the night, he'll be around to call. Or have I created that image myself and therefor believe my own fairytales? He's certainly not dependable. Nor compassionate; towards me anyway. I think I scare him, really, which indeed makes him the perfect boyfriend. But at the end of all this misgiving, you wonder, what everyone always asks in the end, What is it you want, Casey?

What indeed.

I don't know. When I find it, I'll know it. Right?

Talking to Nicole last night and have come to the conclusion that I do miss Kenny very much. But that phase of my life is over, I've been cursed from day one, starting relationships and even the whole discovery of it all so badly broken, no wonder I'm messed up. I wish I could talk to him, you know... One conversation, maybe, just a few questions... You know, after someone dies, they keep changing, stories told and images laid all over until it wasn't even like what the person was like in real life at all. I might not remember this right, he's been dead 7 years this last past week. I might not remember him right, he scared me sometimes, I was a little girl, after all. I would love to know, what he thought of me, again... I know, I've got the letters, I want to hear it again again, and again. I want to know everything is going to be ok, I need that.

But my Irish grandmother always said, if wishes were horses beggars would ride. Which doesn't make any sense even now, but it's one of those explainations that serves to close the deal. Like better to have loved and lost than never loved at all. I don't think anyone really believes that.

How is it to be drunk the morning after, or at least tasting the drink you had last night at the back of the throat? I miss that feeling, of being swallowed in attraction; infatuated beyond reason, closest thing to insanity. It's been so long, you know.

Now I'm being sappy.

Loving my body as of late, its gotten alot of attention lately. My small waist, my wide hips, my butt... I need to tone up, though I'm all gross and loose. Going running with Bonnie later.

Properly Yoko

Ok. So after months of fighting it, the inevitable has happened and the real life Carrie Bradshaw has committed. To, yes, believe it or not, Skeevatz Chris, who has become my Skeeve.

Proper girlfriend and all, with my high-necked blouses and dignified gait. I'm smiling like a Crest kid at his scrappy little friends and even considered an attempt at baking. I'm attending poker nights and local band shows that I haven't been to in seven years, at least. His name has found its way into my regular conversations. I wore sweatpants and that England soccer jacket out in the street with unwashed tied back hair and even managed to gain a pound this weekend. His friends have, overnight, become people I'm obligated to be nice to. NICE. I'm experiencing the odd feeling of having to be nice. Half feeling like rainbows and sunshine like the bride on the cake in all her plastic glory... the other half feeling like Cournty Love at an NA meeting.

And here I sit, after poker night with the boys. Oh, steak, chicks, cars, and motorbikes! We discussed it all with crude humor about bodily functions interjected at will! Here, here, let's scratch our crotches and throw back a cold one!

(Beer, correct?)

Right. This man is working up quite a debt. I forsee a long and profitable future of Bergdorf, Saks, Bendels and even Victorias in store for our little darling!!!

Or at least a chance to throw my legs around his neck... no threat of reciprocation, please.

"Well, it's perfectly clear,
Between the TV and beer,
I won't get so much as a kiss,

As I head for the door,
I turn around to be sure...

Did I shave my legs for this?"

-Deanna Carter

Hung Up

Damn this doctor!!!

Hung up and waiting, always waiting. Phone ain't ringing and it's him not calling. Skeevy Chris called will ggo out with him later if in a good mood. Cannot believe the truth?

Oh, Boy...

Why is it the ones you can't forget are the ones you fight the most for?

Beached Out

Blonde and paler than ever.

I Don't Want to Think About It...

Ok, yes, it's August 7th. Now we've said it, it's over.

OK. Well, tomorrow I'm headed to the beach with crazy Bronx people.

The doctor still hasn't called me. I'm holding out as long as I have to. I've given into stalking; but not doing it very well as I told him I stalked him as I was drunk. This is pathetic. Everytime that phone rings, there I am waiting to see his number. He's got me open like 7-11, excuse the nineties slang.

So sad and wierd and PMSing this evening, freaking out about nonsense. Will go to bed and make sense of it all tomorrow.

AS I STRUT THE BEACH IN A BIKINI!!!

(Hello, sweet chunky arse...)

I Don't Want to Think About It...

Ok, yes, it's August 7th. Now we've said it, it's over.

OK. Well, tomorrow I'm headed to the beach with crazy Bronx people.

The doctor still hasn't called me. I'm holding out as long as I have to. I've given into stalking; but not doing it very well as I told him I stalked him as I was drunk. This is pathetic. Everytime that phone rings, there I am waiting to see his number. He's got me open like 7-11, excuse the nineties slang.

So sad and wierd and PMSing this evening, freaking out about nonsense. Will go to bed and make sense of it all tomorrow.

AS I STRUT THE BEACH IN A BIKINI!!!

(Hello, sweet chunky arse...)

4AM

Local and loving it. Something is so peaceful about summer in Pelham that you wouldn;t believe it. The taste of diet coke on your tongue, the feel of the water on your sandals, the sound of odd foreign music in my ears and the blissful wind upon my skin.

It's enough to let you know that it's okay.

Can I give you CPR?

Ok. Med student. Working pretty well.

Will be attending his leaving work party including all of his close friends this evening.

And what to wear?

What?!

OK wow. Skeevatz Chris has a girlfriend?! That's something special. Wow.

Oddly enough ran into my older brother's best friend recently. The guy turned out to be a bit wierd but adorable... I'm not sure what it is, perhaps all the years spent in private schools but the thought of sleeping with a teacher is such a turn-on... Obviously he isn't suitable to take out again, I mean please,... but you know, we could go there.

Did I mention Sean would kill me?

Anyway, I mean how could that be, like I obviously couldn't go up to a guy who knows I sucked my thumb at twelve (they had to install some appliance in mouth to get me to stop) and request his number... obviously I would have to initiate, I mean I want to see him again... but I couldn;t initiae, then it becomes my fault. Perhaps I'll just weave some web in which we get invited to the same social occasion.

Maybe not.

Ummm... Skeevatz Chris has a girlfriend!

What is the world coming to?!

30 Seconds...

WHY DOES NO ONE LOVE ME?! WHY?! WHY?!


*regaining composure...*

It's Raining Men!

OMG. What?!

Let's discuss the MEN. THE MEN! Wow. The fact that there are any men in my life currently and that these are ones that aren't with other men is an accomplishment. I mean, let's face it, I NEVER meet straight men, or at least ones I want to speak with thirty seconds after I meet them.

OK. We got:

1. The redheaded advertising director from a hamlet in Pennsylvania.

2. The med-student.

3. The investment banker ( who is a bit short, but short men stand on their millions)

4. My fav, the son of diplomats who lived all over the world and settles here in London. HOT. HOT! Sydney accent on London manners. LOVING IT!

5. The Irish entrepenuer... fascinated by New York and redheaded. Hmm.

And it's only been one week!

What?!

Crimson!

Back hanging out with Crims, out in the Nova last night, was fabulous, laughing our asses off at ugly girls who now date my exes and the times we shared and whats to become of us, now and back then.

So out to meet Sher!

Taking it Well...

Family party. It's not so bad to stand there, just that I feel so shitty next to all the cousins in my generation, currrently enjoying these meaningful relationships.

It isn't being alone. Alone I can handle. It's more the number of times I've been burned so badly...

If I weren't alone, I could deal with it. But to think that it happened AGAIN... and he had nerve to talk about how he still loved and missed her... did you think of her whilst we were together? Did you look at me and see her face? Did you somehow hope I'd replace any want of her still left in you? Like I'd cover the stain of her memory... Apparently not.

Of all the people that let me down,... it's always the ones you gave nothing but truth.

I feel sometimes, I've got the black cloud. It always happens like this... how many more weddings do I have to endure where I'm not the bride but the former girlfriend of the groom... sad and alone. It isn;t fair he should be able to move on and replace me so easily and my darkness looms on whilst he dances on in sunshine. And I don;t need his lousy pity, his friendship, I've got enough friends. I don;t need his pathetic emails talking about truth and being upfront or however he'd like to mask the awful situation. Why do men think they're doing you a favor?

I've been down this road before. Surely, I'm used to dissappointments now.

Oh, but it kills to see her flaunting that cheap bracelet in my face. I've dated men with twice the finesse, money, and taste than anything she's ever had but it kills to know she and everyone else is out there in the sunshine and here I am... again, breaking down. You have no idea, sometimes I think I've repaid Karma several times over for whatever sin I committed. I've buried, I've broken engagement, I've been left behind, I've been used and taken for granted and cheated and God knows what else.

Part of me wishes to take that job simply to spite those people. Awful, writhing lying cheats, I'm richer, prettier, and smarter than that Eurotrash you're with. Watch me rise up and you get used for a green card. I hope she leaves your ass and makes you feel used like me. I hope she calls you the wrong name. I hope YOU TELL HER MY NAME WAS CASEY. I HOPE YOU TELL HER HOW YOU NO LONGER LOVED HER, HOW IT WAS ALL A FANTASY OF YOUTH OR WHATEVER BULLSHIT YOU TOLD ME.

I hope when I pass you by in the London streets, you tell her, you missed your chance. And as my driver passes you by, you get splashed, adding onto you the dirt you traded over for my memory.

You obviously weren't who I thought you were.

I hope you're not reading this, you aren't worth my better emotions. If you see me in the streets, know better than to talk to me. Keep walking away, and do it quick. You're good at that! You who died, you who moved to Shanghai, you who walked away leaving me on that train to sit there knowing what came next.

I'm going to beat this.





At the party, my aunt told me, I resemble a great aunt of my mothers, a woman who died at 21 of a heart condition.

I can't help but wonder, isn't it odd how history repeats itself?

August 7, 1999

It was hot and balmy today, the kind of heat that only New York brings in, enveloping you with the memory of a thousand words and feelings, a million smells and sounds.

The best days of my life were that summer, Kenny. Somedays, I'll be driving by and look over, as if you're still there, waiting for me. I can't explain how or why but since you've gone far far far away, I've always had this in me, waiiting. I have so many things I want to know, to say to you. Seeing you would be enough. I do remember the night you died. I never felt so safe going to sleep... when the glitter faded in the morning.

Could you help me figure me out? You always had this way... everyone said it at your wake, and there you lie, looking peaceful. I don't remember the funeral, but the wake, that image of you lying there, that picture never left me. If I could have stopped the car that evening I would; but I was a kid. I knew what was going to happen, even before you did, I can't explain how, but I felt it, like a much dreaded departure. Only you left, and I've stayed in that summer all this time. I need you now more than ever.

Kenny, I've fucked up again.

I don't blame anyone. It wasn't his fault he couldn't speak up. It wasn't his fault he moved to Shanghai. It wasn't his fault he didn't know me. It isn't their fault the doves all turned out to be paper bags. And now here I am, the child nobody wanted to begin with, alone in a world where everything real is out of my reach and I sit with my pretty distractions; content because I don't know any better. Sometimes I feel like I'm a child again, standing at a counter with only 75 cents in my hand, admiring all the items for a dollar. I know I'm never going to get it, Kenny, but you just can't help wanting.

There are things in my life that I can't change. I can't bring Jags back from Shanghai. I can't undo all the things I said, the things I did to make that happen. I can't undo the things I said to Chris. I can't make Crimson forgive me; I can't change that I won't be seventeen forever. I can't bring myself to call Derek again, and agree, you're right, Der, I'm only human. I can't undo the things I did to my housemates because closeness, it scares me. I can't change all the times I've spent, hating everyone who's left me... hating every last thing that represented any form of feeling. I can't change the fact that my entire life I've never felt as if the people around me really knew me, that I was really a part of everything around me and that nothing was going to change that. I can't undo the night you died, and this feeling of abandonment that I've lived with since. I feel sometimes I've relived that funeral more times than necessary. I feel sometimes, I did this to myself. I've never stopped feeling that the bottom would fall out from beneath me, time and time again.

Kenny, it always had. Am I pulling it, I wonder? I want to be happy for them, I really want to say,... but the words never form because the music starts playing and there I am again, fourteen years old with the world slipping away; right out from underneath me.

I'm quite fragile, really.

Realise that. See me, see past the lipgloss that I am who I am and I can't change it until I know how. Look at me like you never really did and tell me, tell me you see her, the little girl beaten down, the fourteen year old who had everything she knew yanked from her grasp in one evening, the woman who's engagement broke up over a fight about a cat scratch, the American mindless plaything of a man who never knew her worth, the person trying to get out of this fight alive.




I want everyone to know I'm going to be okay because I have to be. I can't let the things that will never change hold me down. Someday, I'm sure, I'll understand it all. I'm going to keep moving. I'm going to succeed in everything I desire and you can watch me while I rise, up and away from this house, from this city, from all the people who let me down... I'm going to do this even if it hurts every step. I can't give up due to dissappointments reverberating throughout my brief history. I've got do it, for me, for Seamus, for whoever I am and was meant to be. I learned to be strong because I had to; even alone I can't stop laughing. Reliving this heartbreak, I've got to get over it, no matter how much it hurts, I've got to finish this and do it the best I can. You have to stand up straighter when you feel need to collapse. I'm not happy and I can't mask that, but changing it is up to me.

So promise me, I'm not alone...

Amazing

Brief talk with Sean. Have realized who I'm really angry at. I walk around all this time feeling like the bottom will fall out.

You know what?

It always did.

I'm over it, now. Lucky for you, I've turned out wonderful and beautiful and amazing and all without the help of you or your wife.

Sher made so much sense the other day when she said he must have always knew I'd be the stronger one. Sometimes I think, really, she's the wisest person I know.

But, as for the question, I've never actually asked... what about me?

THAT BITCH AIN'T WORTH HALF OF ME!

Stalking once again, to find other pictures of happy couples.

Well, I got a job interview while these stupid girls got men. I cannot take anymore of this, girls with nothing to do but mirror the guy they date around. I want it said one day that I did everything by myself, for myself, and all in good shoes.

GOOD SHOES!

Skeevatz Chris called again today. What is it about bad men that you can't get enough of? Fuck him. Fuck all of them, these stupid little boys I mess around with. Fuck them all. They're all full of shit and wasting my time. I'm a proffessional now.

If everything works out, I'll be the future manager of this promotions company. And do you know what that means?

COLD HARD CASH. And a faster route to another job.

And that girl sitting in the pictures next to sexy redhead, oh please, all she's got is him!

Hairdresser fucked up my hair today, goddamned butcher. I asked her to take an inch off, that woman took a foot. Now I'm prqactically bald. It's so short I look thirty.

I'm disgusted, angry, and embittered.

Surely, an ad proffessional in the making.

Chin Up!!!

Job situation looking better as have at least scored an interview. Not o sure it's what I'm looking for, but it's better than nothing, right?

Wish I had someone to talk to... bored and need something new.

Shopping out with Sher yesterday who's having the same struggle. Having dinner with Genev tonight at El Cantinero! Excited mildly... begruding the thought of having to return merchandise bought for no reason in this same neighborhood.

Skeevatz Chris has been hanging around. It kind of annoys me honestly, I feel so frustrated, I never find anyone I like. Sher says I'm too picky, but I don't think that's it. If I could just get a job, I'd be happier. Personal acheivements, right? I've just got to keep trying. You don't get anything unless you really want it. I want this. I want a new job. I want a new life out of Bloomingdales, out fo my old norm of simply moaning about an issue instead of solving it. I want a new job. I want a new job for Sher too. I want success I can come home and think, I'm doing something worthwhile, I'm working to potential. I'm encompassing all my talents and not letting my brain waste away in the mindless world of retail.

And as for all the dimwitted losers I date on and off in New York simply to get into this party or be seen there can go to hell, too. This si getting me no where. I want to be adored. I want to be revered. I want to be with someone who will apprechiate my mind and not my family backing or my shape.

I want to move forward.

And, like I said, you've just got to want it bad enough. I do. I'm trying.

Keep dancing, babe.

Zero!

T emailed; poor thing sounds very stressed after his vacation to Prague. Hmm. This job buisness sounds serious... Ah, wish I had a better one of those!

The job buisness and buisness of finding a better one is going slowly. Have been contacted by no one. NO ONE.

Jen and Chas are carrying on about the new railing. Destroying our fabulous antique railing for my brother's kitchy lack of taste!

Saw Genev yesterday who, of course is, like everyone else on the planet save myself enjoying a good relationship and the chance of Tiffany's come the ninth. Have I mentioned there is a chance I'll be spending July 4th with the Silversteins? If not for being sad and alone and pathetic with a thusfar unsuccessful job search at least I'm going down with Sher. We're going out to the clubs tonight.

Ash somehow appeared at the beach yesterday. Ina went as well. We are currently using her as the measurring stick for our own going outs.

So tired though haven't done anything. Restrart job on Sunday.

Appearences

Anyway, week has been crazy as is. Spent a fortune on lingerie at Victoria's... why is beyond me as I have gone out every night this week and met no one.

Had dinner with Cor who took me to see Madonna... The woman is GOD! She was amazing, you have no idea... I got to sit in like this box with him where all the minions that didn't know the right people couldn't get to me. Cor... eh, there just isn't any chemistry with him. I was the pretty date to keep up his image. I didn't care, I saw GOD! She was like three feet away from us! He's alright, I guess, and as Ash says, just like any other leprachaun, he's got a pot of gold! But I'm over that. Golddigging went out in 2005. I'm taller than him anyway! He ruined the concert; spent the whole time she was on stage doing a roller disco talking about the lighting. Loser. He leaned in as I was getting into my cab home, and I tapped him on the back and said, "Thank you for the evening," leaving him standing there, gaping. But this guy won't take no for an answer. He hasn't stopped calling, texting, I think I even recieved an email... (it's good to watch them squirm...)

Met Ash's Adam, eh, he's got a wierd sense of humor. The kind that makes you envision how your Chardonnay will look all over his face. He managed to be offensive within two minutes of meeting him. We have judged him unworthy. He and Cor are going on our list of been there but won't do that.

Sher finally took me to Pie and saw the man she gave her number to, who never called her. How could she not see that he is gay?! After thirty mintues of shock, we discussed in length Caitlin's wedding, in which popcorn and peanuts were served as the bride, five months pregnant, drank champagne from the bottle.

After stalking sexy redhead just for kicks, have learned he moved to Dublin. Hmm. He is also claiming to be engaged. I could die... And you KNOW she's gross and ugly with a snaggle toothed cockney attitude talking about what she bought at Primark and wearing the latest from New Look. HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?!

Oh, yes, right; reality. I am simply an aquaintence he has met once and therefor have no real stake in him.

Right?

That can't be correct...

Have been searching out new jobs... no one in New York has taken any intrest in me... but I got some attention from a London firm dealing in retail PR. That would be crazy! I'd get to go back to the place where I ate and ate and ate and still managed to drop ten pounds... The position offers 50,000 pounds a year... I selfishly admitt I'd like to hear back from them. I mean I sent in my resume, but God knows. And could I really leave New York before I finished my degree? Eight more months!!!

But for 100,000$?!

Hmm.

I'd be a sugar mommy. A bit young, really, but still a sugar mommy.

And I'd stand there at King's Cross... by haps surpassing T (who never emailed, but then, he is on vacation) and standing there in my fabulous ornate clothing supplied by my hefty salary and yell out "BOO!" to which we'd havee an amazing reunion and the best sex of my life.

But he never emailed me. Hmm. This could be an issue... Right?

Ah, well. If it gets bad, there's always Cor or newly freed Adam. What a selection!

(God bless this desparation!)

Am taking oral lessons with Ash, as have become quite aware that I have no ability in that area. We signed up for a class near West 4th. Might skip out, though. All the pretty girls are bad in bed!

Going tomorrow with Jen to pick out colors for the new living room. The picture of what I'll be like at fifty gets more and more fastidious.

Missing T. Fucking men! Why is it that the ones you never want to hear from again can't stop calling you, and yet, the ones you liked well enough to drink a beer with (in public!) drop you a line only when they're getting married; have become billionaires and are getting married; have gone broke and thus, are looking to marry you, or, the best of all, have spent the time away from you in therapy and have decided to marry your preceeding ex, also on the road to self-discovery once you were out of the picture?

Ah, well. I'll sit here and bitch to Ash as always!

Jipped

Miserable to be back here. I just want to cry my eyes out but it won't help. Everything is hot and humid and my bills have arrived. And the more I look at my vacation photos the more I wish it were me and not Raphael who got hit by the truck and had to stay.

What now?

Lessons Learned

Things I Learned in London:

1. I am not a friendly roomate.

2. I have a profound respect for crossaints.

3. I really CANNOT cook. Nor am I good at oral sex. Nor ironing. Nor laundry. Nor can I keep a room in order for more then ten minutes. Hmm.

4. The appropriate themesong for my lovelife should be "Express Yourself" as opposed to "Material Girl."

5. I depend on intellectual conversation. Or faking it.

6. I lose patience with stupid girls.

7. I have more to offer than the average NYC trophy wife I so longed to be once.

8. Always ask for directions. Even if you don't need them.

9. You get what you pay for when it comes to hotels.

10. I take things too seriously.

11. I own too many clothes!

12. The best kind of man takes you out for a hamburger and will kiss you after you've quiffed.

13. I'm a very bad listener.

14. I'm a very good talker.

15. My best look is definately black cocktail dresses.

16. "Cheers" is thank you.

17. How to speak cockney.

18. I do not need a cellphone.

19. I am not really the ice queen I try to be. Nor do I really enjoy the taste of caviar.

20. I cannot hide my facial expressions. I'm transparent when I'm angry.

21. I can't control everything. I can't run away when things get bad. But it does help to sing; if you can.

The Fairytale... Ending? (here we go again...)

Well, I want you all to know that after yesterday I was obviously feeling pretty let down about the way things ended with T. Just so up in the air and all.

Well, sometimes men can surprise you. I recieved a tearful phone call this morning; demanding I come over to see him. Of course, by the time Cinderella got to the ball, the prince was drunk out of his wits with a shady night out with his jester friends at a seedy King's Cross club... but you know, I can't explain it, there was something so sweet about the afternoon. The helplessness of it all. Of course, I expected a big dramatic closing, but that's just Casey being Casey. We laughed the entire afternoon (the part when he wasn't sleeping, this is) away lying there in his bed; picking at his face and all. (to his annoyance :) ) It was just good to know I'd be missed. I wouldn't want him walking around miserable all the time... but I wanted to know I had made some impact. And I got that. Whatever the form, I got what I came to get. And a possible Christmas vacation!I don't know what I'm saying. I'm glorifying an afternoon spent with a man who uttered my name in his drunken sleep and cried over missing me. You know you like the person when this become acceptable behavior. He is adorable.

Is this the end? Who knows. But whatever the case be, I've enjoyed every second.

I went out tonight with Lori and I. and had drinks at the ice bar like we said we would. 27-yr-old housemate who just asked out the guy she had been lusting after all week at her job and hasn't slept at home for five days! She was asked to spend another week with him... they're going to Provence... I must admitt, I'm very happy for her. Everything worked out so well for everyone. J. got a job, B. got a drink, L. got drugged up in Holland and I got a London romance.

And now, I'm sitting here on our little street, Leinster Gardens, in the night air I'm going to miss. And a car drives by; I hear the faint sound of "I'm Every Woman," and nearly start to cry. All my friends here in New York, I've missed you all so much.

I'm coming back here someday, I promise you all that.

But for now, it's time to go home.

Cheers to all; and best wishes. All of my love to all of my new friends and findings.

I'm going home...

A Drink of Diet Coke before the Bar

Went to nap after sad last entry; woke up to the phone. In a mood because I thought it was my roomate's families and ect. Was delighted to see it was T.

Am smiling now as have realized life goes on. Simply because I'm back in America doesn't mean he drops off the face of the Earth... who knows. Maybe we will keep in touch and meet up next time in here or he's there...

Or maybe in twenty years from now, I'll be strolling down the streets of a more glamorous New York City... get approached by a gorgeous blue eyed man in a suit with blue pinstripe...

"Excuse me, Miss, can you give me directions?"

And I'll look at him and he'll look at me because it all hit us at once and he'll yell out:

"YOU'RE THE QUIFFER!!!"

And we'll laugh and grab a drink leading to a glamorous romantic getaway in Aruba because we'd both be rich and fabulous and every night I'd let one out just for kicks...

(If you're reading this, I hope you see I've made my mind up; you will be mine... *clicking tongue cheesily* I mean how could you resist a future of such sexy noises?! And by then, I'll be old enough to suit the grandma panties...)

(Don't get too turned on now, Lad, twenty years isn't so long to wait that you can't hold it!)

I'm laughing now. It's feeling good to laugh today.

I'm not sure whats going to happen to me in the next few months. A new apartment, a real job, graduation, new friends, new life entirely, really. But wherever the road takes me, I hope it leads back to London someday. I've loved it here. You'd be surprised how much you can change over just a month. New perspectives, new things to look forward to, and even a panic attack and presumed throat infection. Everything melded together; colorful and on cue, just like Raphael said it would. Winding up into a colorful box of memories to open on a rainy day.

So let us drink and close this cheesy cliched ending wiht a smile and a quiff.

Miss you, T. X. Thank you. For everything.

Numb

Today was the goodbye T day. I want you all to know we tried again on Wednesday, on his birthday, and it was perfect. Last night was sheer bliss as well; he cooked for me, even!

And here I am.

Here. In this sad townhouse that no longer feels like home all by myself.

I wanted to write this entry; telling you all that things went perfectly; that nothing happened and I didn't live in America after all, and I don't have to leave on Monday and that we'd actually make something of our friendship; but I can't.

I sat there, in the train car, and watched him walk away. It was all I could do.

How do I feel? I have no clue. It is a "bit sad" like he says I guess, but it's more of a feeling of shame. It is a shame this should happen this way. It is a shame that again, I'd be standing there as he went, and then as I went away, back to New York, back to my old life, back to bitching and school and living in my illusionary world of trying to impress people in the end who don't really matter. I didn't know what to say the entire time; the cabride, a morning nap; nothing. It just played itself out like the rest of our time together, easy; one thing after the next; smoothly.

I'm going to be okay because I have to. I have alot to do in this next year of college. I'm a strong person and I'm not going to be sad or sit around and mope. I've got a job to land and the buisness world to take over. A book to write and stories to tell. People to meet and adventures to have, too.

There's so much left to do.

In the cab ride back, I asked if he thought we would have eventually had a relationship; had things been different. He said he thought we would; it would be the only natural thing to have done.

And then he looked down and said, "Ah, well."

He's right; it's just one of those things, just a shame. A misfortune. What could have been done? I live thousands of miles away...





I know I'm too old to believe in fairytales now. But I really wanted the happy ending this time.

I Cannot Believe You Did That...

Sitting here in this internet cafe again and sobbing my eyes out on the inside. You see, I sort of lied when I said things were going great with T. Things are great with this T, BUT not great with me. He is wonderful, sensitive and sweet like the men one dates should be, but it's me who has the issue this time. I am mortified over an incident that happened Thursday night.

OK. Thursday night we went out just like we've been doing maybe three times a week here. I was wearing my brand new black silk dress and feeling pretty gorgeous in it. Everyone stared as I walked down the street, or maybe they didn't and I just imagined they did which, really, is just as good. I felt really great, despite the crazy grandma "knickers" I was wearing due to lack of clean clothing. I hadn't shaved my legs (which I decided to let free of pantyhose) either. But I felt beautiful in my brand new outfit.

T thought I looked good, too. Oh, you should have seen him. All pretty like in his blue Paul Smith suit (he's VERY concious of what he's wearing) with a tie I didn't like but no one asked me. We had white wine at a classy bar around Bond Street and then a shot of Jameson at a nearby pub. Feeling particularly romantic in the streets walking home (by now it was midnight) we decided to get a room for the night.

OK. This story should have had a happy ending but it doesn't. A hysterical ending I will laugh about for days once I'm safe in America but not now when I'm here in Britian. T, before I get into this situation, is snobby like I am and easily disgusted. And, as mentioned before I like this guy, so part of me actually cares about chewing with my mouth open and enjoying my disgusting meals of Subway and my own wonderful cooking... I aim to impress!

Oh, but it wasn't in the cards. The hotel was gross and disgusting and made our room in Paris look like a palace. I spilled chocolate all over the white sheets which left some awful stains, as previously mentioned I didn't shave and even had on scary grandma panties. Great. And I stood there in all my untoned glory in front of this man, who even has that chiseled muscle men in cologne ads have; you know the indent just over the hip... (I didn't know real people actually had that!!!) I never felt so disgusting in my life.

Until what happened next.

Well, it just so turns out in my twenty one years I have never had the shame of quiffing in public.

OH, but God is a strange and mysterious Woman... and I assume She had it in for me. For at the WORST POSSIBLE MOMENT, I let out the loudest string of quiffs for what felt like a grueling 100 years... He actually had time to ask, "Casey, what's happening?" inbetween.

I.

Wanted.

To.

Die.


Oh, but T, winner and fabulous person till the end stayed with me anyway. I spent the time before I went to sleep thinking of ways I could disappear (osmosis? apparation? simply walking out?!) and bargaining with whatever higher power was willing to listen that if they could simply turn the time back I'd join Greenpeace, throw my self into a volcano as human sacrafice, shave my coveted hair and become a monk, anything.

Nothing.

We woke up the next day and had a sweet morning, breakfast and a kiss goodbye as my train left and he went to work. Laughing at the whole ordeal. I didn't expect him to call again, mind you this is a man easily disgusted, but he did and we spoke later that night. We made plans for today, Sunday, and he called again today. But it is Father's Day, and his brother flew in.

I don't know if I believe him to be totally honest, and am sitting here feeling rejected and gross. I don't blame him for cancelling. I cannot believe what this man is putting me through; I just want everything to be so perfect around him, and oh, all that worry, it just messes up in the end. Under ordinary circumstances I'd say, "Well, this is me, take it or leave it," but as much as I try to hide it, I do like the guy. I've always said that if I'm going to be let down I'd rather be let down rudely, like "Fuck off!" then "Casey, I feel terrible, let me take you out tomorrow." I just wish Ash were up, or Andy were around, or Sher, anyone, to bitch to. But as we're on different time zones this is kind of impossible. Cory wrote me, though, talking about "Oh, when you get back we'll have a birthday drink and maybe more, who knows..." only making T look even better and thus making me feel worse about what happened.

I wouldn't call me again, either.

So another sad story is developed and I'm about to wallow in my own miseries. I'm allowing myself anything I want for breakfast or, lunch now, as it is late. Anything to make me feel better. I just want to cry. Of all times for that to happen to me!!! I know, it's funny but really, I'm not laughing right now. And do I see him tomorrow or save him the trouble of having to reject me again and just say, "Oh, well I leave on Monday, have a good life..."

Although, one good thing has erupted from all of this, I'm actually astarting to look forward to going home. I tried to rember my phone ring last night, and I couldn't. It's such a different life, going back to paying the bills and working at a job I hate and doing the same things day in and day out, being single and pathetic and without a hot half Egyptian WHO THE WORST POSSIBLE THING THAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN IN FRONT OF DID.

Of all people this could have happened in front of. The first person I genuinely respect and date at the same time. I wouldn't have cared half as much if this were Jonathan, or Joe, or Derek even, or any of the stupid guys I've dated. Even Cory! But this one...

I feel marginally better now that its all out on the internet, the whole world can laugh at it. We can all have a drink and sit back in the park as I will do today, relaxing and enjoying the spoils of youth and what disasters parted us from our good men and drew us into the bad ones.

Updates!

OK. I would like to apologize for not posting as frequently as oringinally promised. I had a panic attack last week and basically needed some rest and its so hard to find a computer.

Well, ever since I've had that nervous breakdown, my appearence in the office did a whole 360. The Senior Editor of fashion for Maire Claire ahs taken em as her pet. She says we're very similar. She laughed at me when she overheard me complain that I hated getting coffee for her.

I come back to NYC in a week, and would write more, but there's so mcuh to tell.

Things are going fantastically with T.

Andy, we need to talk the minute I get back. I have a hysterical story not suitable for internet!

The SweetestThing

T dinner tonight. Am very much enjoying his company and he keeps calling.

Part of me wants to yell out whilst we're sitting there "WILL YOU MARRY ME SO WE CAN MAKE A PACK OF 1/4 EGYPTIAN BABIES AND CAN WE GET STARTED NOW?!" He's such a great guy. But somehow I restrain myself; as offering to mother his children might not be the best idea; as he'd run away screaming, most appropriately. It's odd. I find myself undressing this man with my eyes as he talks about his job. I'm trying to listen! Or perhaps we'll go for the wordless approach and I'll simply fling my legs around his neck... actions speak louder than words, afterall...

(And we thought female chauvenisim was over?)

Family is safe thank God, lack of answering the phone at home concerned me. Especially when no one called me after Paris, which was the place I wanted to leave most. Londontown for me, I suppose.

Rapheal and I went down to McDonald's and had fries and pies. Queensway is so nice now that the weather is better. However, all we do in this strange country is eat. Bathing suits? I think not. He asked me what would happen with T once I left. I said I didn't even think about it. I guess things all fall into place; one way or the next. Why push?

Am loving this place; am feeling so free lately, you've no idea.

Peace at last.

Blessings and Failures

Well, for all those who need to know, I love and miss all of you terribly. Sometimes I hate this place. My job at Marie Claire is, at best, less than glamorous. I sit and do returns of samples used in photo shoots in a closet all day without even a chair. Today I went on a photoshoot where no one talked to me and even went so far as to bash Americans in my very prescence. I nearly went home crying.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having the time of my life, all editors of fashion (my boss is easily the ugliest woman I've ever seen... she kind of looks like Paul McCartney AFTER the good years... and they hired HER as fashion editor?!) aside... I'm making friends with the other interns at my office. The English girls love the way I speak and love nothing more than imitating me. We laugh alot and it keeps me going through the eight hour days. I'm beginning to love living at my flat with my roomates; I love the feeling of for once being in a place where I'm always welcomed.


NOW down to the real buisness. I've met the man of my dreams here. A sexy engineer who is both Irish and Egyptian (the strangest mix I've ever heard of) who just came up and asked me out at Piccadilly Circus the second night I was here. We've gone out twice already and he keeps calling. His name is T. He's 5'10 with dark hair, olive skin, and sparkling water blue eyes. He's the kind of man women look at in the street; obsessed with working out. But you know, dating T has put a new perspective on my views on relationships ingeneral. T isn't what I'vethought myself to hbecome used to in New York. T is more... Smart and successful, but not the lavish trust fund baby type I've become used to in New York. I am dating this man solely for himself. He is sweet caring and funny. He loves thicker girls like myself and thinks that I will be on the cover of Marie Claire. I never thought I'd actually find someone I genuinely respect; someone, who, sadly I know I may very easily not be able to keep as I have to go home and he knows that too... I am, for the first time in my life, with someone just to be with them, even if it may not be anymore than for a month. I never knew I could want soemthing rational, something more than the image of being happy. I want to cry my eyes with happiness and emotion when I think about how long it's been since I've been cherished this way, even by this virtual stranger... I didn't think after all I've been through at home, with friends, everyone leaving me, dying before we hit 18, this constant life of a stolen sense of security, that I could find happiness with another person solely for the sake of being happy. A new part of me is growing in this city, and I'm beginning to feel the winds of maturity all around me. Discovering what it means... what everything means... and how litttle I actually know.

I miss my home and my family and my friends, who I realize being here, I love more than life itself.

Just Checking...

We just got in. Have met more men tonight than al year in NYC. Have to go so as not to wake Jess, but have some crazy stories...

Doing It Up London Style

Well, for all those that need to know, Jess and I made ti alive. We're here in Londontown and I managed to get a few hours sleep in the meantime. Jet lagged and fabulous, we slept till noon today, 7am our time. Jess and rolled out of bed in the dank apartment.

We live ina townhouse in a flat on the top floor. The place itself, at first glance isn't so bad but I never thought that what I'd miss most would be good American plumbing. Our toilet doesn't flush until u push the clutch a few times; good hard arm pumping. The sink doesn't turn on until u really hit the knobs; and when it does, no telling what temperature the water will be. The shower has to be pumped, and even then, again, no temperature. I took a bath by letting the boiling hot come out of the tap until the ancient pipes were hot enough to let the cold become warm once it was out. Then I just stayed under until it got so cold I had to repeat this process again. Jess and I are here at an internet cafe. We are however, enjoying all the suited men. Loving men with jobs; men who adore little American girls with spunk and flavor.

Flavor?

It still ahsn't sunk in, however, that I'm not at home anymore and won't be for another few weeks. I keep telling Jessica, it feels like we're in some odd part of NY, I just keep thinking we can go home; forgetting that that would mean a seven hour flight. I'm getting comfortable, though, I rembered where I was when I woke up.

I called Jags last night and told him all my woes. As much as I ahte the man its good to know he'll always be around. He's coming through on Thursday and his hotel is just down the winding street we live on.

Something pretty about London; not sparkly like NYC, but pretty and dark at the same time, like grass after a rainshower.

Two Days... What?!

Well cleaned out and fabulous and nearly ready to fly away...

But what to do until then?

The most exciting part of any trip, I've learned is the days before, when you don;t know what to expect. It'll be dissappointing, honestly, to actually get there.

But I'm doing better. i really am.

Tao and Sombreros...

Had happy birthday sung to me at El Cantinero and recieved a free flour tortilla with Ash.

Went to Tao and met Ina, who I love.

And so peaceful and quiet tonight... just ready to sleep.

Perfectly Contented.

West 4th

Missed Ashley with the y's end of the year party unfortunately do to an impromptu birthday trip to West 4th with Sher. She's too funny.

The day itself was wonderful; and also tinged with a bit of sadness as I won't be seeing all of my friends as often now that it summer. Well, except Jessica, but that's a give-in. We got manicure yesterday then went to Jamba Juice. I fell asleep in packaging but I wanted to cry when we left. My life has changed so much in these last few months, and I value nothing more than my new friends. When it really comes down to it, I love my school very much... the years I'm having there are certainly so far my best. I cannot tell you how refreshing it is to actually look forward to classes... Will miss the girls dearly.

Sher's trip to her school for family night was a disaster. They think me and Sher are a couple. I insulted some woman who's paying thousands of dollars to have her daughter's birthday at Debbie's Disco by saying the last party I went to over there was awful beyond reason. None of the other mothers adressed me. I got checked out by a skeevatz father. I moved soem woman's handbag and was repremanded for stealing it. By the end of the evening, it was just hysterical how bad the whole thing went. Sher and I were the only people in there without a child. I didn't know where to place myself, really. Sher was feeling more single than ever but she's older, I just felt secure in my singleness because all the parents were closer to my parents' age than my own. It was the first time in my life I had been to one of these school functions and not been a student. Someone adressed me as Ma'am and asked if the little boy next to me was my son. I want to stop and tell them, no I'm just a kid!!! I was 13 when this child was born!!!

Can you believe the kid looked at me, smirked, and said, "No this is my girlfriend."

Well, at least someone was on my side.

And can we point out that he is the first male to say that about me in erm... WEEKS?!

So obviously, we needed some relief. And so Sher and I hit up Macy's then went down to West 4th for my birthday trip.

Well, we made a purchase in Birthday Suit; a rather ridiculous one, the craziest one we could find. (it even lights up!!!) And I was feeling pretty crazy about carrying this thing in the streets. So I stopped to dispose of the packaging in a nearby trash can on tenth; trying to be as discreet as possible...

Oh, but soe higher force had a plan because who walks by but the finest guy... in a suit, with gorgeous eyes, AND an accent... basically my future husband... and I'm standing there holding well...

And Sher HAD to start talking to him. For some reason, I felt I had to explain to him what I was doing and why. Obviously this was a bad idea, but he seemed to think it was pretty funny; he was laughing hystericallly as he skipped across the street to meet his wife.

Right.

Anyway, the floor unfortunately did not open up and swallow me at that moment. And Sher WAVED (physically WAVED HER HANDS HELLO) at the wife. As I stood there... holding my purchase with the light up tip. Drooling over her hot husband. Alone with Sher...

Right.

But all in all, it was hysterical. I'm going to miss my city while I'm away...

I've decided I will indeed persue Mr. FitzGerald when I come home. He is so sweet.

Old

I am getting old. And my life is going nowhere, as I sit here, a failure typing in my online jounral while friends I grew up with are out getting new lives and mine is just the same as ever.

Wow.

Pounds to the Euros

God bless those French and their cheap excahnge rate!!! Picked up my pounds and Euros this afternoon... Fabulous amount of Euros and little pounds. I could probably eat for one day with 100$ worth; at the best resturuants, of course, I refuse to eat cheap. I can do that here!

Steak, anyone?

Believe I failed statistics today but the point here is that it's over. I can survive with a forty at a C level. FABULOUS. Passing is all we're going for, here.

Cheers to that!

Saw G. in the street today. It is so odd to see your childhood friends, who still look the same and yet are about to be mothers/wives ect. I'm happy for her. The baby is a girl. I hope she picks the name Gwenevere; I like it better than Isabella. But I guess it depends on the last name; I didn't ask.

And I don;t think I could do that, quite yet. I'm not so sure I want to, really. The giving of yourself it takes to be in a relationship, and more so to be a parent. I feel I have so much to learn about myself that I'd just rather not share this time with anyone else... I can get by on my one-nighters for a little while longer. The beauty of that is you never have to call again. He serves his purpose and then you get the pleasure of watching him crushed when you admitt it will never happen again... and then the sudden triumph by just dragging that chain again by calling unexpectedly some other time. It's like dangling a feather on a stick in front of a kitten... they just keep reaching up...

Suely there is something sick about this sadistic pleasure I get out of this...

(Christina and I agree, we've been single too long)

But you know what, men have been doing it to us for decades. So they can kiss my arse. Literally, even; like Ben Affleck to JLo in her video...

God bless that woman for bringing my most prominent feature into fashion... even if it is the season of the hipless...

Sigh.

Welcome Back

Leaving for London has become a reality, as I've booked my weekend in France with Jess last night and moved some money from one account to the next this afternoon. Also ordered some pounds and some Euros and settled my credit cards.

There comes a moment in every life where you realize all your fears and worries in the end were empty reflections of your own insecurities. That all you really ever needed, you had, and continue to enjoy, whether under taking it for granted or sincerely.

I went for a run this afternoon and ran into Will and Andrew, who still smiled at me. I got a letter from Scott the Marine who asked me to bring him back evidence of having met the prince. Mike F. is supposed to take to me to a birthday dinner Wednesday, and Cory will be by on Monday. My family birthday party was last night; in which Jen's gift was the crown pendant I had been wanting.

And Jags... you know, he is sad we aren't getting along as well as he'd imagined. It doesn't matter anymore. I'm ready to forgive him and move on with my life. Even Jen, even private school, even Jacks, even Pelham Bay itself... I'm ready to forgive.

And knowing that is often all you need.

Sometimes it is in leaving that we indeed do come back.

Back. I'm back.

Shocker

Jags has a girlfriend. A girlfriend who spends the night at the house. In MY side of the bed.

I've said it once and I'll say it again. There are two people in my life that will always let me down and this man will forever be one of them.

He needs to go to China right now. I want him out my life for good. I'm ready for this. I can do this. I'm not going to give up ever again.

It wouldn't be so bad if I had found someone of my own. But I haven't. There's nothign to make you feel more pathetic than to know your ex is out there with some gorgeous girl partying and you're alone in your parents house writing on your internet blog.

Fuck him.

But in a way, he is someone else's problem now. I will never have to look at that wierd face again; will never have to endure anymore of his annoying tendancies.

This shouldn't upset me as much as it does but it DOES.

I need to go to bed; I need to get out of this train of thought.

Cory and the Lawyer

Hmmm. Have found a hot law student to hang around with as well.

I love how all these elligible men are popping up now just as I'm leaving the country. Typical!

Printing out my Gwen Stefani material. Was not as bad as I imagined originally. Now that the hard part is done, its simply spin off, spin off, spin off.

Gotta love recycling!

Had the most wonderful sandwhich for lunch today; needed my Subway fix after withdrawl.

Failing math miserably. Ready to throw in the towel.

Could go for another sandwhich...

Ah, comfort food!

No, I Must Say Something...

What the fuck is up with ugly girls being happy in relationships with cute guys and I'm here alone? Well, admittedly, the guys aren't that cute, but still. I mean this is getting serious. I'm fucking sitting here obsessing over pictures on pictures of ugly girls standing their with good men who of course, are infatuated with them. I bet those bitches give and don't expect to receive. I bet she does his laundry and bakes him cupcakes and even buys him presents for no appparent reason. Full of shit. Fucking stupid girls! Making the rest of us look bad!

Watched a documentary on one of my namesakes, Elizabeth I, last night and have gained new respect for dead "virgin" monarchs! Girlfriend was a sugar mommy! Had a harem of young hotties who she employed and bribed on her council to just agree with her and the occasional sex romp; which of course, straight men being what they are, lead these idiodic straight guys to believe they had a shot at being King. HAH! Good to see her crush them under her foot; which, like mine, was remarkably small. I tip my hat to you, Ma'am!

And when it got serious, and her reign was at stake; she simply sent them away to Ireland, which at the time was warring with England to die by a people who then deemed savages. I love her.

Spoke to this Cortland Fitzgerald, however, for three hours. Not sure if I like him or I'm simply fooling myself into it because I've got nothing better to do. It was my discovery phone call; you know, when you ask all sorts of embarrassing questions just to get a reaction. After considering his answers, and how freely he gave them, he kind of skeeves me out. He's childish. He even sounds it. And the fact that he's short does no good.

I think I've been single too long, admittedly. There comes a point, where you're over the wall and there is no return. Not even hottie redhead does it for me anymore. I'm over him, too, looking at his grosser than ever potential girlfriend. There comes a point where you just lose all worldly respect for them; these straight men.

Please. I'm over it. I got other things to do.

Over It

OK. Over Cortland Fitzgerald.

Know i should be running, just don;t want to do it.

I'm over everything, I should just go back to bed.

Cortland Fitzgerald

THAT is the name of Cory, who I've developed quite a little crush on lately. Hmm. We spent a good half hour on the phone this evening, chatting away about nothing. He's going out to sushi now. I've forgotten what it was like to date guys in my own age range. Very cute. he drives, too, which is rare in New York, AND he;s Catholic, which of course means he and Jen will get along well. Obviously, Chas will see him as one of "his" people, I mean come on; Cortland Fitzgerald. Wow. Doesn't get more Irish than that.

Was at the birthday party for Michael and Julia all day. He actually spoke to me! He's such a cute kid. I'm not sure if he knows I'm his godmother, but at least we're talking. He liked his Thomas the Tank Engine outfits, too. He didn't understand that his twin's birthday is his birthday, too... He kept telling me "Julia's Birthday!!!" Crazy... she is such a diva. I love it.

And Jen was on her best behavior even though I wore an outfit I know she hates to see if it would provoke her. I'm so bad. I wore the gauchos she so scorns and had an exposed thong to see what she;d say. She made a frown when I arrived but kept quiet. She even bragged about me to Margie, Grandma's best friend since like 1930. It was crazy. I didn't think the woman had anything positive to say about me. And I was surprised she bragged about aspects of my life I could never see her finding the good in; I mean we're so different; it's good to see her finally accepting me. It's never going to be perfect, but at least there is a peaceful coexistance.

So many blessings before London! Bridget's mother had a new baby, a girl named Kelly with red hair already! I love it. All three; redheads! So cute.

So now just hanging around needing to do work laundry.

Umm... Have i mentioned I consumed... erm, four thousand calories today?! Dinner with the Italians is crazy... not to mention the birthday cakes... oh, yes... Casey was doing CAKES today. One for each twin!

BAD!

American Idiot

Oh dear; once again I have tried to look intellegent and sophisticated and have dug myself into a hole. Cory thinks I'm all into politics because I ranted about the media in one of our emails, as if I really knew anything on the topic. Hmm. Oh my God. WHAT am i going to say when we meet up for dinner, which of course I agreed to with the proposition "We can discuss changes in our society now that we're under Republican rule..." Oh, yea... Ummm... Wow.

I need to get up on the news though. It is no l9onger acceptable for me to be so apathetic. I need to call Ash and discuss it. She's on the ball at least. I can soak up some knowledge in her rays!

So over everything tonight, I should be out having a marguerita with Jess!

Am having fun at home alone; oddly enough. Singing out "Express Yourself" at the top of my lungs. Where is Sher?! This is our song!

Needing to run! My legs are puffing up!

Fashion Student Moment

Sometimes, I'm standing on 34th and just watching all the people go by, or at FIT, and for a second, I forget everything and see the real truth.

The majority of people I have ever come onto contact with are completely full of it.

And my friends, my fabulous friends, are a significant and precious bunch. I am so glad to have all the people I have in my life; and hope to gain more. This si a time of new beginnings, and I thank all of you who helped me see that with sincerity.

Stalking the redhead who put up new pictures of himself. He's not that serious. Certainly only up to cheap fuck status.

I have decided I need some British tail whilst in London. I'm too picky in America! I'm not intresting enough; I need a story to take back with me in July.

"Catherine, you better fucking get some in London! I'm not talking to you if you don't!"
-Ash

But what about here?

Well, not too sure about that. He cracks jokes I don't get and seems like he'd be an asshole. You know when you can just tell some guy will be an arrogant prick? He just looks like one. I can't explain it. I already despise his friends; they look gross, too. He seems like a loser. Like he'd stand at the bar and tell you cheap lines and yet not know when it's best to lie; IE. the kind of guy that has nerve to say yes when you ask if you've gained weight. (How stupid are they?!) Or like the kind of guy that laughs at his own loser jokes with his friends... the jokes NO ONE else gets. Or the kind of guy that would be a jerk simply to be a jerk.

So tell me why I'm already picking out what to wear to meet him?!

Right.

"You know what they say, Gorgeous Redhead," I say suavely, swirling my martini. "A change will do you good!"

Hmm. And who's the loser here again?

Right.

So I'm whoring myself out in London. Any offers?

Anyway, back to reality. Went shopping with Sher on 34th after a fabulous day with basically everyone at FIT. Was crazy. I went into five different stores, bought five different things, then, in a rare moment of restraint, returned all but one! Fabulous. I'm becoming stronger.

Was so depressed. NEVER go shopping after a day of salt intake. Water retention is an ugly thing. Bought some cute little knee length shorts, but reconsidering as they make my tiny legs look even shorter. I'm so grossly short-legged. The moment of truth came while trying on capris. Hello! Regular pants on my body, thanks.

And it wouldn't be so bad if I weren't so thick on the bottom.

(Brazil, perhaps?)

Am starting to love my arse, though. Huge and rounded as it is. Have become obsessed with the pencil skirt. LOVE IT! Buying them in all colors five sizes too small to emphasize the hump. Love it.

Have I mentioned I'm mentally over school?!

Oh That is Just IT!

NEWS!

Have coaxed sexy-redhead's roomate into easing him to meet me.

Hmm. This si not as exciting as I meant it to be.

Looking at pics of myself online and deciding my face needs lipo. Did not go runnign today and chose to eat a bag of tortilla chips instead.

Wow.

Have I mentioned I'm slowly becoming obese?!

Forward!

Go back from where you came, and stay. You're full of shit and you won't get me now. Don't plan on seeing me, you're making a mistake and I made one by knowing you. Get out my city, get out my country, get out of my life.

I want to be done with you. I want to be done with all that held me back.

It's time to move forward.

At last.

Need a Laugh?

OK. In my internet stalkings, my newest obsession, I would just to say that I have found common thread with that bitch dating the redhead. OK. And here is the update:

1.) She's with the brother; bitch landed a doctor.
2.) We share common origins!
3.) She's dorky and well-read, therefor, most likely not as much fun as me.
4.) Society agrees: I'm in need of being committed.
5.) By the way, I've decided he's not that serious anyway. Who wants what you can have?!



OK. So back in reality:

Met a new guy, a bit short but owns his own buisness. And everyone knows that short men stand on their millions. So here we go again! At least until I leave the continent. His name is Cory, which is too eighties for my taste, but then, I hate all straight men reguardless of name so this predjudice must be ignored. I've decided I put too much emphasis on this exhausting search and need to focus on all the fabulous stories I have to tell about my failed relationships as opposed to feeling like a failure due to them. Failure is no fun; free dinners are!

And I'm getting sick of that smug look on Jen's face whenever she points out that she was engaged at my age. She didn't have half the looks, talent, wit or personality I've got which is why she had to get married; that bitch had no friends!

She needed to throw the wedding; people just showed up for the pasta!

Have I mentioned Mother's Day is soon approaching?

Oh, Mother Dearest, I'm just the improvement of your genes...

Other than that, finally got around to doing my laundry and have realized that I own way too many clothes. I don't even remember some of these outfits!

So tell me why I can't throw them out?!

Oh yes. I have made a scary discover. Does anyone remember Mary Janes with construction boot soles? I owned and noticed today, still own a pair. And a plaid mini dress and black knee highs to match!

Ninetieslicious.

(Now all we need is that bark brown lipstick I loved... Viva la Grunge Years!)

Indian Birthday

Asshley with the Y's birthday. CRAZY. She picked the craziest place, this Indian Resturuant with party lights hanging down from all angles. You couldn't stand up for fear your hairspray would cause a fire, it was great. Everyone from FIT was there and later on, Lar came in in uniform. She had the most beauitful table of drag queens ever, too. They were looking better than us natural women!

I was at a table with Amanda, Meghan and of course, Jessica. I really enjoy being around them, you know. It was good getting out of school and just coming out, getting to wear my own clothing and not my funeralesk Bloomingdale's attire. I even did crazy blue and pink eye makeup.

It was priceless.

Someone actually said to me "I recognize that top from Facebook."

So we drank a bottle of wine and ordered some curry dishes; and got to talk to Ashley who was in a light up crown with maribu trimming. I didn;t get to stay too long, but I'd have liked to, I had alot of fun.

And now, to work, a place of no fun.

Zero

That's what's going on at the moment, obviously because it is only 10 AM. Naturally my biological clock gets up early; I'm an energetic person. I start to fade maybe at 1 or 2 AM, then getting silly and verbally sloppy... but oh, as you can imagine, these are the moments I talk the most.

Contemplating dying my hair to white blond; wanting to look like a pale freak amongst all the beautiful tanned people in the streets; baking their skin to the color of natural clay. I love it, silvery white blond. But I figure my usualy ginger brown is probably the better option. Last time the Casey album went platinum, I loved it for three seconds and cried for three months. I also noticed a significant increase in the number of greasy men who approached me in the streets. None of that, thanks.

Still obsessed with the lovely redhead with the ugly girlfriend. I want to make a scene and yell out "BUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME???!" but something tells me this would be a bad idea. Another Catherine Catastrophe.

"I'm and artist, the world of realities holds nothing for me..."
-Me, circa 2003

Can I just tell you that my room has become filthy and dusty beyond recognition?! Definately need to get someone to take care of this...

Oh, right, we haven't got hired help! Best to leave it then, I can dodge the piles of clothes everywhere; think of how it'll tone my thighs!

Lights in this Tunnel

Happy despite the crumbling of my world. Shanghai.

I made money today at the register, I'm really enjoying my new section. I'm glad to be rid of the old area.

I was putting back the hangbacks with Yelin and noticed a couple by the fitting room. They just had gotten engaged and she moved from England to come live with him. They looked so happy and he did up her dress and fixed her stockings and just sat there the whole time she tried on clothes.

And part of me wished I would be asked to go to China with him. And then the rest had to look away because I was going to cry.

I've got to get out of here. I'm tired of this constant mental war between the stronger half and the half that just wants to be loved and forgiven by all the things I need to let go. Jen, Jacks, Marymount, all of it. All of the damage.

But I am going to beat this. Day by day, step by step, dollar by dollar. I've just got to hold it up.

Tomorrow is Ashley's party. Am very excited because I will be seen with:

A) My hair NOT ONLY washed but also combed
B) Mascara!
C) Clothing that isn't for Bloomingdales,' not a SINGLE ONE of my items in black!
D) All my fantastic FIt friends, who I haven't really hung out with outside of our Friday club

It is wonderful to know, at the end of the day, as I sit here; exhausted from work, school, and socializing, that life is going on. And I'm living it.

Sarah's Beads Are Crazy...

Happy today as was at school. It gives me such hope to see Sarah because it's always good to know you're not alone. And knowing that we're both going places, really, we're moving forward, it's just so reassuring.



"Three words, Sar, TONED, TANNED and ACCENT."

"One word, Catherine, WINTER!"

-Sarah and me, on Austrailia this July...



We went beading today, which was therapudic and fun. I got so attached to my fabulous long necklaces I wore them to Microeconomics. Sarah made the hugest bead necklace ever, but you know, she could pull it off with the right outfit. She has these sandals I think it would compliment.

Spoke to Ash for the first time in three centuries. She's crazy, I love it. She doesn't even have a label for Jonathan going to China. She told me to tell him to eat chicken; in hopes he'll get the bird flu! I love her. You need people to make you laugh at your own frivolties. Sometimes I think without my friends I'd be like a sailess boat, tossed on the waves. It is good to know Sarah and Ash will be strong even when I'm not 100%.

No one is taking the news as hard as Genevra, however, who never met Jags and now probably may never.

Currently listening to the Best of Cher; I need cheesy music after a let down, and honestly, singing "Strong Enough" out loud is hysterical and fabulous. Especially when in this computer room at school where everyone beside me knows the words. Only at FIT...

And I'm not alone, Emily in class is in my position, there are so many of us, fabulous single girls, making it. I'm going to make it. There is a certain strength that women possess together that I think has kept us going as a race throughout all of our hardships in history. Women live longer, we contribute, we create, we bond, we laugh, we cry, but we always end up being able to smile. They never got us down, the straight men. And so on and so forth into my proffessional career.

I'm glad I got picked by Marie Claire... I feel my talents will be most excellent there.

I just have to keep up, keep positive, keep dancing. We're going to pull through!

Shanghai

You have no idea how this feels. It's like going to another funeral.

Like I said to you on the phone part of me is relieved. I'll never go down that path again and it's all over now for good. The future is open now. I don't want to see you before you go. I don't want ot have to stand like a fool and wave and smile like everything is okay. As damaged as I am, I forgave you and likewise. There isn't anyone for me to depend on now. And I can go on and try to distract myself with pretty things but the truth will always be that so few have ever really known me. You did and now you're going.

I pass by 80th and I think of all the things we did together, some bad, some good; but whatever, it happened and that's the mark of my very changing. I once told you you saved my life; all the glitter had become too much at one point. But ntohing you bring me has ever been 100% anything; always this odd mix of bittersweet failed intentions. But for the first time in my life, I knew someone tried.

You just didn't try hard enough. I've always said there are two people in my life that are always there to let me down. You will always be one of them.

But both of you I loved more than anyone else.

I wasn't perfect, wasn't quite what you had in mind, was I? Too young, too loud, I always manage to say the wrong thing at exactly the worst time, and I'm nearly guaranteed to make a scene wherever I go... not exactly your ideal Lady... and I guess you were right. Maybe it was too one-sided and I did become to narcissitic in the end. But I tried.

Will you think of me while you're over there? Will you ever call and see how I'm doing? I won't want to answer the phone, I won't want to speak to you, I'm sorry I couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair to me to sit back and watch you go. Let me keep on living in an emotionless denial. Let me keep playing on with my sparkly distractions; don't make me stand there with no dignity.

There's no one left to be proud of me, now. I don't think I've ever felt this alone.

But I'm alive. If I crush my fist closed I can feel the blood pumping through, stronger than ever. I don't need your sympathy anymore, I don't need to depend on you to be there for me now. I don't need any more of this beautiful garbage. I don;t need any help standing up on my own two feet, especially from someone who only let me go. I'm attached and part of me is crushed over it, but I'm stronger than you think. You never saw that in me and it upset me to think that you didn't know. You aren't the first person to leave me but go because you aren't worth any part of me. You weren't bright enough to see this in me; and it's all a loss of yours. You missed your chance long ago and now you're throwing what scraps of it you had left away. So go on.

And I believe you know it, too. Your voice cracked on the phone. I've finally, after three years of wanting to see what it would be like, bought you to tears. I got into you.

I scare the hell out of you, don't I?

It doesn't matter. Get on the plane and go back to the hole from whcih you came. I don;t need another fairytale ending that never became. Part of me is always going to be stuck back in those days; I'm always going to forgive you just like you never stopped forgiving me.

"Which Catherine am I speaking to today, darling?"

I'm all different people, you're right. But you've never met the best of them. And she is going to soldier on, she can make it. You're never going to see me cry over this again. You're not just going to expect to roll up in here when you damn well please and expect me to be here because I'm not 18 anymore. I'm going away myself and starting afresh and you can kiss the ground that person walks on because you didn't take time to know her then and she won't give you the time of day now.

Karma is a funny, thing, Jags.

Maybe it isn't Karma but Fate instead.

Maybe it just wasn't meant.

Watch me rise. Watch me conquer what I've always wanted to, watch me achieve what we used to say I would... watch me as I'm walking away.


And I should hope, you'd look back and smile, whispering under your breath, "Sharp as a tack, that Kitty Cat."


And from the ashes of burnt iintentions, arose another dream, time and time again.