23.

A delicious birthday today as had the entire day with my favorite. Went to the Central Park Zoo, Tiffany's, Macy's, then Tffany's again for the first thing I tried on. Had a dinner in Little Italy and ate nothing but crap today whilst wearing fur shoes. Poor James came along everywhere, never questioning. I knew I was getting away with murder. Jen said he must have been running off the bus after we got back, I dragged him around like I did, but I didn't care. I got my day with him and the perfect commemoration. (I pick it up tomorrow.) He's off to Lousiana, (the other L.A.) tonight, so hopefully my neurotic behavior will be wiped out in the drink. I have too much guilt for no reason. He's funny.

Irish grandpa gave a good gift, Jen sent hers, and Italian grandparents donated to the cause as well. Irish and parents gifts go straight to Bloomingdales to fund my own gift to myself, but really I ought to put them in Fidelity. (Irish grandpa is always crazy generous and this year is no exception. Though I won't tell S & Skeeve my gift was double theirs...)

So the big birthday weekend is upon us and I'm so over it. PMS has me with my usual indecisive melancholy. I'm not myself. Sher called and left about 17 messages about all the things we must do. Friday is the movie with Genevs, Sats afternoon LWL and yoga, Sats night is out with Sher. We're going to the sex shop to pick out some new fun (Sher says I need color and O is the only way to go, according to her, so I'm given the limit of 9 inches and up... ) then off to the clubs at 3am. Ever since I was 18 it's been the same way. I'm extremely grateful for Sher, I really am. You need that one friend in your life who just doesn't give; Sher gives me that freedom. I wonder if she remembers like I do, Washington Square Park at 5AM, 81st and 3rd at 8. The way all the lights shone when we got in. The entrances she taught me to make; you know she bought me my first mixed drink? I was 17 and we were at Favia, a Modori Sour. We've been trying to track down the waitor ever since, Sher's mysterious Mr. Right.

But that seems so long ago now. I look at all the photos we took, silly girls. There is the one where I'm on the fountain in the Theory skirted suit with those Parade shoes, the water coming up in geysers behind us. It was taken just minutes before I fell in and the British soccer team dragged me out, ("cahnIgibyoooooooooa ahand DAHHHHHHLING?") We got in the car and just drove, drove. All the lights were up and everyone was out, the air was cool and we were soaked anyway. We never made it back to the apartment to sleep, we stayed out until 3pm the next afternoon. I don't even think I gave Jen an explaination; she didn't ask back then. The next year we went out with the Yuppies, I was single that year and properly unhappy about it. Sher ended up topless in a cab and I was at cafeteria taking to our cameraman. I watched the videos recently, eyes shimmering with MAC I look like a Las Vegas drag queen. The next year I was in London, drank wine in England's oldest bar with my newfound friends. When I got back, Sher and me went out, but it lost its lust after it was legal. I had on a fedora and silk shorts with suspenders and pink garters to hold up the stockings. I saw Madonna and drove a Mustang. There are pictures of that somewhere, Sher's eyes, just full of fear, sitting in the passenger's seat, Mike the Doctor in the backseat, happy to give Sher his car. The next year I threw a party and the British financials came through.

And this year, I have accomplishments:

1. After 10 years, I met up with and have been enjoying being with my childhood crush.

2. I got a job and a promotion.

3. I became a better person.

4. I learned to relax more.

5. I joined and have kept a habit of going to the gym.

6. I made new friends and went new places.

7. I learned to enjoy beer.

8. I got rid of Chrissy.

9. I bought everything I wanted.

10. I got my Tiffany signature piece!!!!!!!!!

11. I got my liscense.

12. Everything I wanted to do, I went for it. Full speed.

So a wine spritzer for all, and a happy birthday to me. Many more, many more.

"Drink comes in at the mouth, Love comes in at the eye, I lift glass to you, and sigh." -Cherry

R E S P E C T

When I signed up I didn't register for all this. These things are mine and mine alone and I deserve the same I give.

And truth be told, I don't give a damn how they arrive or if they ever do. Truth be told, I'm not 100%.

I'm just seeing the picture a little bit different this week.

(Time for a change?)

Nip it at the bud, nip it at the bud, babe.

(Just a little bit...)

HEEL!

Oh No, Not Again!

Is he kidding?!

I just stood there, thinking of nothing but him laughing at the situation. And you know, he had nerve to text me later.

WHY?!

(Hadn't I put up with enough from that end?! Anymore dubious skeletons from my closet to erupt disguised as close personal friends and relatives of my new life?!)

It was like being naked in Times Square. Thank God his memory, last I remember anyway, wasn't too good, so even if he did make the correlation necessary he wouldn't care enough to make something of it. I'm okay with that. I'm okay not revisiting that chapter of my existence. We're good.

And I really do owe you something, you kept quiet. Whether out of lack of concern or complete disgust I'm not interested to know, but you did. And I'll do the same for you.

Setting In

Talking to Ali tonight in England and he commented I surprised him; he couldn't have told months ago here I'd be. But there is something in that, drinking a beer I paid for and wearing a T-shirt. There was the time on Queensway, right outside of Hyde Park in the green silk dress I'd bought solely for that occasion, where I looked up and knew I'd get it. I never wanted to leave but the inevitable happened like always and the plane flew away back to things I couldn't do. I never understood them, the girls I'd so envy, smiling laughing creatures lazing on beds of lush grass that was endlessly greener than my own. I'd watch them all, standing in the rain of my own perceived loneliness, and know I wanted what they had.

But the truth is this; I never respected men. I never understood because I didn't know; and maybe some of this was purposeful, my secret nurturing side I so try to conceal like a battered woman's bruises. It was never something to pained but more or less a blessing if you use it right. And I can feel it awakening, growing in me as I get older. They do make you laugh, their secret helplessness. And you do find yourself enjoying their friends, like a pack of little boys. I missed out on things like that for just the right amount of time, I think. The answers they give you when you ask personal questions, the look they give you when you embarrass them, the quiet loathe when they figure out you're just pushing buttons, the pout when they're really upset, the tone when you hurt their feelings, the thrill when you call after just a little bit, the inquiry in their eyes when they're trying to read you. Precious.

But I stopped envying those girls just recently. Events of this year are turning my mind in so many different perspectives. I never thought the time I spent would benefit anyone, and I'd be at the end of the line, overjoyed as if some ordeal had passed. But the truth is is I never lost the most important thing. I'd never give her away for anything, and I never want to be in a position where I'd consider it, I love her too much to let that happen. I always want to be who I'm here, I want to know she;s safe and all her moments were recorded for a reason, some vain attempt at immortality as the inevitable may eventually happen and Miss Johnson becomes a Mrs. But even if it never does, I no longer fear that. And I'm glad I stood in my rain because I think it was necessary. I don't have that fear, I was never afraid. And when I do get there, I just think of all the amazing things they brought me. Some I pity, some I never knew, some I loved, and some I want to tell off. Who would I be today if not for them? And all that pain I sorted through recently, and got out all the photos, and I can't remember some of the names, but I'll always know how I acted.

Maybe she's angry because of that? A certain envy in the beautiful story I get to write out. And the women I most respect in my life were girls like me, who didn't always get it. And there is a marked difference between women and girls; flashy cubic zirconias against understated brilliant pearls. I adore my cousin more than almost anyone, she is really one of my best friends. And Crims, I want the best for her as well, I think she;s getting there. She is stronger than all of us. want to have that understated brilliance, a quiet elegance and demeanor. I want to be that dignified. I really do want that. I want to be Ellen, not Scarlett. And it makes me sad to think a lot of my friends won't understand this. Of course, I'd never wish bereavement on anyone, nor the end of something perhaps beautiful. But is it really neediness that men seek out? I'd like to hope not. But you have to sort through it, the endless times I was told I was cold. That wasn't it; I only gave what I could get.

I have been very happy ever since I left school. I learn something new everyday; a new reason to step out of the rain. and I wish that for everyone.

Ugly

I want to apologize every time we talk of it, because you're so perfect. There are things I don;t want to hit your ears, words I don;t want you to understand, a picture I don't want you to see. I don;t want you to know the truth.

And you, you disgusting selfish piece of humanity, I can't believe you'd do that. I wanted to scream at you every time I take you around the things I love, you destroy them. Why do you need to be this way? Why, after then ten thousand years we've traveled past this road do you feel the need to do this to me? I hate you for what you do to the people I love. But in the end, I know it's all you. You're just a sad, cynical bitch who never thought of anyone else but herself. Why do you need to be this way?! Why must you go out of your way to be as mean as possible to me? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you to Hell and I hope yours is plastered wall to wall with photos of me. I want you to see my face everywhere when you sleep. Let's put up all the photos you denied. Let's paper the walls with the face that looks just like yours with the bruises you inflicted because you were miserable.

But in the end, I can't do that. You once said to me, I'll never be bigger than you. You got it wrong again. I'm bigger than you now. I can do things you never will be able to, I can see things you are blind to. I put up with you and stuck by you no matter how bad it got, that time you left me in the street all alone because of a B+, do you remember that? No, because, it simply didn't happen, did it? Oh, just another thing I did to hurt your feelings! Mean old Cathy!

It did. I know because I found my own way home. And when I got there, I realized you left because you couldn't come with me.

You don't belong there. Maybe you know that, secretly. I always said you were intelligent.

And in a way, I'm sad for you. You'll never get to know what I learned. You'll never know the person you thought you created. You shut it off so you can't now. And I'll feel sorry for you.

Again, I got there. No matter what you did to prevent it. Here I am.

I'm here now.

And I won't let you touch her. I won't let you have her like you had me. I won't let your words reach her ears to rot her brain like yours. I want her to be free. I want her to feel worth it, to know that I'm proud no matter what she does, no matter who she is, I want her to know that I'll stand by her and won't leave her standing alone. I'll let them have her, I'm very lucky really, I was saved. I want her to know them, I don't want her to be able to see the difference. They're more perceptive than you think, really. And there comes a time when I'd have to choose, and please be clear who my loyalty stands with. Don't be deceived in thinking that I gratify you for anything, and don't think that I've any desire to. I tolerate you because I have to, I love my brothers very deeply. I want her to have a sense of wholeness, so there is this as well. But I know you, and I know what you're going to do, and don't think I'm going to do anything to help your cause. I'll explain to her, you're just a nice old lady who was unhappy, and it isn't her fault.

And that if you hurt her, in any way, I will do something about it. That your threats and your words hold no relevance once they enter into a certain ground, and if they do, that's when we go home. I don't care what nonsense you believe, and I don't care that you're always right because I figured out long ago that that wasn't true. (you never seemed to be able to accept that, you know, and I think that's where you fell in) You touch her at all, you tell her the things you told me, you let her in on that tone of voice you used with me, I'm not going to stand for it. It would be my job to protect her, and I think what you did to me was most detrimental. I'd never let you make her cry or feel less than herself. No. I'm taking her away. Because I think she is a blessing. You never got to feel that way about your own. And in a way, I'm very sad for you. Because I can only imagine what a devastating loss that must be. I want her to be empathetic, I do, but when she's old enough to understand.

But what will you do? You'll be all alone. And I'm not taking you in. Not out of spite, but out of knowledge that there are things I cannot change, and you are one of them. You hurt me as much as you please, but I can't let you do that to the people I love. I'm sorry it has to be this way. And to know you're not just makes all the difference. I never really noticed it until I bought him in, after seeing his loud, happy family, behavior I don't understand fully as of yet, but I'm learning... and the contrast made me want to cry because I could tell he was uncomfortable. And it is beautiful I didn't miss that. It is beautiful that I can do that now. I learned what you couldn't teach me.

And in an odd way, I love you very much. You are my mother, and I'm only going to have one. I do wish things were, different.

But the truth is, I got home that day. I found it in the end, and years later I do remember.

Here I am.

I hope you'll find your way here soon. If you stick by me, I'll lead you to it.

As soon as you're ready to stop walking away.

With a Little Help from My... Friends?

Thank you, gentlemen, for pushing to my pull. I'll lift my glass to you, and give to you all the prettiest curtsy I can manage in my billowing white chiffon. And you'll know from behind the veil, it took your vote to get us here. Thank you; very much, in fact.

All of my affection. And then some!

Sickles and Crabbles

Head is full of phelgm and cannot hear properly from left ear. Work is driving me mad. If this stress takes out my hair again, I'll scream. I'm not built for this. MCE is coming through tomorrow; I'm very excited to meet 180 year old Jim. It's all about who you know.

Had a wonderful walk in the rain this evening. Got word from Mike from Regis, gave me the nickname on facebook he had for me when we were 14. Funny how old you get. He is a model now, and properly vain. Aren't they all when you no longer care? Has beens. But he is pretty to look at. He was always tall and his hair is less orangey; a true red now. I hope he's well, we were sad kids. Reading his profile, (which, of course, was the point of the nickname; I fell right in) and again, of course, he's recently broken-hearted over some California girl who's skinny and wears dark glasses from American Apparel; you know the type. I bet she only eats bean sprouts and has beliefs about changing the world so we all wear burlap and live off of brown rice and work at coffee shops for below minimum wage to save our zen. Stupid boy. Why are men so entranced by nonsense? And why do they, after seeing it, decide to call on me?! I've no desire to relive the past. Not his, anyway. You know, everyone laughed at the picture you gave me with that huge teddy bear, remember it? You were sitting on a dome somewhere in your Albany home, head cast to the side; the curtain of red hair you had then falling to the side. My mother put it up on the refrigerator because she thought it was hilarious. But in all honest and my illness aside, it's good to see you're well, you haven't changed.

Wine with Bre last night yielded some revelation and some discovery. It was good to see her be strong in possibly the hardest of all moments. I worry about her. I have renewed faith she'll be ok. I hope it all works out for the best; she has a beautiful new tattoo with wisps that form a heart with "Faith" written in the center. The night was beautiful, we went to the tea room and sat outside amongst the Christmas lights and the fair air that comes in early May. I told her I finally understood. I'd fly to Guyana too, if I had to. I felt it, too. Keep strong, Bre.

This cold medicine is making me giddy. Am starting to worry everyone at my job thinks I'm empty-headed. But the truth of the matter is they're useless. It's good to know I'm finally learning my job, though.

Feeling slightly sad and oddly complacent tonight; the rain is making such a pretty sound on the windowpane. Jess invited me to a pending reunion at FIT. I'm not so sure I want to go. But if it's another excuse to dress up and to drink some wine, why not? I'd love to see Nikki. I do miss her. I ought to give her a call. But I just run out of energy.

Craby and mean tonight. Bah bah bah.