What?!

So I bought another piece today, a green quartz that sparkles to no end. It's absolutely gorgeous.

I feel ridiculously pleased for no good reason today.

"Drop that zero and get you a hero!"
-Maury

Diwalli

Diwalli is the Festival of Lights, everything was beautiful today. I felt so loved at my office, I always do these days, so loved by friends, far and near, by a family I'd previously no connection with.

In the Cathedral, the glass broke as I asked... I knew I was heard. Everything was warm, dark amongst so many candles, so many hopes amongst each other, light on light, hope on faith, truth on actuality. Everybody has something, everybody has something.

I know mine isn't much, but it means so much to me. I don't know where it comes from, I don't know where I learned, I don't know where I'm going, but I'm trying my best to keep up, but I meant what I said. And I'm grateful to you, forever to you, for saving me.

I bought myself a new Tiffany piece, today, and felt so whole, so complete. I sent it away to have it customized. I know it'll be beautiful. It's the piece I've been searching for.

Old

My last relationship ended heavily because of an 18 year old. I think he's with a 19 year old now. I told Jay, for the first time in my life, I felt old.

But honestly, these last feel weeks have been both unbearably ugly and beautiful in one. I've never felt so attractive, and yet so ugly somedays. I once read somewhere that 24 is a woman's most beautiful year, then only to read the next month in a publication that 36 is. It' hard to explain how I feel at the moment, at 23. I'm not sad like I was, not angry, either. Not afraid, and for the longest time, I mean this wholly. I meant what I said to Jay, I remembered what it was like to be that 19 year old girl, a 27 year old British Lord at the time, everyone remembers him, one of the key players in my bizarre dating adventures. At the time, I felt like I was being serious, but knew I wasn't. I don't have that fear anymore. The same Park Avenue princes I dated then look at me differently, not necessarily less, but differently, and I admit I'm loving the change. I'm someone to be reckoned with, now. They now think twice about sending me flowers, but the flowers come anyway. I will miss the clubbing nights, the dates with endless partners going nowhere, but now there's more substance, the same number of dates but a different kind. I'm no longer auditioning for a part I'll never have. I can have it now, and the men show that they know it, too. That certain cautious tone in their voice says it all. But they needn't be scared, I know what I want and now I'm sure I'll get it.

And the most unexpected part of this all is the younger men. I never fancied myself somewhat of a budding cougar, but I assume they do. I admit a certain curiosity. After years of being a living doll, I'd like to play the game a bit myself! And who can blame me?

The one thing I long to be better at right now is my job. I have been slacking so much lately, and this isn't me nor is it fair to myself. I want proper success, and that I can give myself so long as I try.

But I want you all to know, I'm no longer afraid. All the fears I had for so long are melting as the days go by, like a long suffered nightmare, only to awake, warm, safe, and laughing at my own misgivings. I want to do this right, and I will. I had it all along, just needed some help bringing it out. It's here. This is my time, my turn, my chance at last.

And I intend to take it, fully and wholly, savoring the moment as I'm afraid so many women I know never could or did. It's mine.

At last.

Thanks to all of you who saw me through, fighting tooth and nail to remain unenlightened. I love you all more than you know.

"Live through this with me, and I will die for you."
-Hole

Social Engagements...

Dinner, parties, get-togethers and group yoga. Such is the spice of life in the city.