Babysitting

So I went over the girls' house this evening and had dinner there with a friend of theirs. Someone once told me that you can tell when a child has been loved; my girls shone. But their friend was so familiar to me, a sarcastic, self-deprecating nine year old with sass. Her mother is Italian like mine.

Is this what I must have been like? It made me so sad, because I understood. I felt nothing but sympathy for that child. Coming to terms with so much over the last few months, I realize how much I really have been deprived of any positive support from that end. My family was never there for me just like this little girl's weren't either. And silently, I hated them for it, my own relatives and hers as well. I got angry for us both. In her case, it was a difficult divorce, in my own, pathological narcissism. I gave her no wrong for being rude, and eventually she caved. I know what it's like not to be able to trust anyone or anything, to have learned that lesson too young. I get it.

I'm spending more and more time away, trying to avoid them as much as possible. It's just easier that way, and I haven't been happier in a while. I'm trying to break the endless pattern I've been living, I'm tired of always getting the short end. I gravitated and wasted my time with men that reflected the same selfish tendencies I grew up around, men who didn't care for anyone but themselves because that was what was familiar. I'm beginning to see the damage it's done me, the lies I told myself were true in order to avoid the obvious, the admission of abandonment, the feeling of giving and giving and never quite receiving anything in return. I'm resilient because I had to be. I'm independent because nobody was around for me to depend on. And lately, I'm tired of it.

I believe there is something beyond all this, the walls I've set up to protect me from the responsibilities of actually feeling anything. I believe there is genuine love and happiness, I see it in the girls and all of my closest friends. I'm beginning to see possibilities again, and that is something I'm grateful for.

Fasting Forward

Losing something is hard, especially when you can't embrace what is ahead of you. I refuse to move backward to absolve you of all your wrongs. You never think about what is best for me, you never did. It's always about you, your guilt, your idiotic friends, you being angry, you needing "something different."

Well, recently, a funny thing happened.

I thought about you for the first time in weeks, and saw something new. I saw the guy that didn;t walk me two blocks home on our first date. I saw the guy that made me pay for drinks for all his friends, the same friends we had argued about time and time again. I saw the guy who left me all alone to hang out with those same friends on not one but every single important date to me. I saw the pathetic guy who, in running away to Cancun with these same friends, did God only knows what with some eighteen year old and lied to my face about it for two weeks. I saw the same man who thought it was entirely unreasonable that I should, in any way, lash out at these friends after they caused the argument that broke up. And then, of course, he morphed into the guy who took their side over mine. This guy also carried on to date some other girl who is connected to them, (never deter!!!!!) one week after he told me he loved me, and honestly say to me, "What is it you want me to do? Cheat on my girlfriend?" as if we both don;t know full well that he isn't above it. And finally, I'm seeing the guy that has the audacity to expect forgiveness for the wrongs he is so clearly no sorry for, as, you can see, he's done nothing to change them but apologize, as if that in itself, were enough. Talk is cheap.

So, you see, James, its just like you said. I'm looking for something different.

Bye bye now!

Gala Girl

I had a great time at the gala, better than expected. Jon is romantic and surprising. We danced to top 40 by the Van Goghs on the second floor, something admittedly, I'm terrible at. But it didn't matter, I had so much fun. Everyone at the gala knew Jon, and later I found out he ran for Congress last year - admittedly, I looked him up on Google to check the facts... It all registered. He's surprisingly humble, something the finance men of my past didn't give me. And the best part, is he listens. I'm not sure to take him seriously, I still have yet to really get to know him, and there seemed to be a good deal of women interested in taking my place at the gala, so I'll just enjoy the ride.

He lives right by the river, and at night you can see all the lights across the city. We had more French food and a good wine, though he didn't drink so he could drive me home. I'm having so much fun that, after a while, it didn't matter that he wasn't a knock-out, he's so smart and confident that you forget about his looks. And I really felt proud to be his date for the gala, especially in the sea of beautiful women, some prettier than I may ever be, vying to get his card. He matched his shirt to my new red satin peep-toes, and offered to buy new shoes with my help when I politely mentioned I didn't like them. He's absolutely brilliant, he taught philosophy for "fun" while on a case in Indiana and we talked over my wine and his sprite about Eastern knowledge, and, of course, the Secret. He is polite enough to talk about what I want to, even though I feel a bit silly sometimes, especially in realizing he ran for Congress. Clearly we aren't a match of minds, but he adores my personality so far, so why discourage it?

So, am happy and pampered, and all is right and well with the world again.

Sugah Babay

Back on track with class action lawyer. Jon isn't attractive and appears physically awkward but you know, he's so intelligent and worldly it doesn't matter. Homeboy drives a BMW Z4, (asked if I'd like to take the wheel for a bit) and bought me a good wine. I haven't felt young or attractive in too long, it's good to be taken to all the better places by someone who can discuss them properly. I drank too much of the good wine, but all seemed well enough aside from a few scandalous comments by me. Jon is an identical twin brother with a neurosurgeon.

So I'm having a blast!

We're headed to a museum gala tomorrow, when I admitted I didn't know what to wear, he offered to take me right then and there to buy a dress for the occasion! I said Jon, we will get along JUST fine... (I decided to wear my own dress, as you never know what to expect from these men...) He also offered to take me for my manicure for the occasion as it was short notice... the world has become friendly an exciting again, could not be happier.

Can't wait to tell D.B.!

Above and Beyond

Made an appointment today for next week.

Went today for the first time just for moral support; never expecting anything to be gained from it for my own personal benefit. But I have to admit, it did help me in a way; going through all this horrible time of feeling abandoned and thrown away, it was helpful to see that I wasn't alone in struggling. I will never know what that is like, but I can understand what it is like to feel that down, to want an escape. I also felt good in being needed, being asked to go.

The last few months have felt empty. This endless carousel of men with no real tangibility, the endless search and constant frustration in coming up short every time drives me crazy. I feel less and less hopeful for anything different; constantly reliving the rejection, whether real or just imagined. But I mean you see other people having conquered something so much larger than my own whining and misgivings, it really gives you thought. There IS something beyond. There IS an end to the fight. There IS something else.

New prospects looking brighter, at least. Tim the Brit was too dry. Onto a host of American law men. A class-action lawyer, a litigator con MBA, and a friend of an ex. I'm hoping the Opera is in store, I've forever wanted to go... or the ballet! Back to the Billionaire Boys Club this weekend as have been noticed. At least am kept busy. B is back and evenings are active again. I have some red heels I've been dying to wear.

Am feeling better, day by day.

Every Woman

Feeling optimistic as the days go by. Company layoffs have us down, but there's something positive in the air, I feel it.

I felt absolutely beautiful today for the first time in weeks. And genuinely, genuinely happy. B and I went to the Library, now one of my favorite places. I'm to have dinner with a British financier tomorrow at a favorite Indian restaurant and got a call from my beloved class action lawyer. I'm excited, once again seeing positives in dating. Me and D. are closer than ever, wonder if he'd go out with me sometime? Could you imagine asking?! Drinks with Jess later in the week, hopefully.

Reading my book on Jackie O., the latest of my library acquisitions. It's amazing how strong we women can be when we want to. I'm inspired by her story and the stories of the other women I've been fortunate to find books on; Diana and Madonna. You have to come out of disappointment a star; especially emotional disappointment. You cannot give up, nor deny yourself of the potential in other areas of your life. I'm working harder everyday, fixing my accent, getting thinner, trying my hand at listening, trying to exhibit more of the intellect and less of the diva. A touch of class...I can learn to forgive if they don't lie anymore. It's a compromise.

But the greatest beauty now, is I don't live with horrid uncertainty. I don't feel as if I'm fighting an uphill battle.I know where I'm belonging and feeling comfortable in my new roles. What matters most to me now is developing as an employee, a student, and a friend. I love my job more than ever, as its become a place to express my creative and practical side. I want to develop into a good leader, one of the kind of sophisticated women who I've had the pleasure to work for. I want to be a force to be reckoned with.

When I drove past the movie theater this week, I saw something I'd never noticed there before... a flock of good news geese all about the ice. Everyone stared at me as I broke into laughter, throwing my arms in the air with jubilation.