Catastrophe Averted

"Catastrophic thinking."

Maybe she is right, I used you. You were my imaginary house on the hill with the perfect life you never had an interest in. I took something, gave it all to you.

When do you forgive? Does the guilt dissipate?

A came over and lay on the bed and we talked for hours like we used to. Its hot in the apartment now that the summer is coming and everything is everywhere. We feel together; I can be myself with A. That love is something I can't appreciate enough; when I do not know what day it is.

I went back to the better gym, they have boxing there which I'm dying to take.

I want to go to the water tomorrow and stare at it to think.  I want to leave flowers for K, I haven't been to the grave in years. N at work told me her best friend died the same way when she was 15, I couldn't believe it. Her name means "New Beginning." Maybe its a sign she came when she did? They really have no idea how much they help me.

My mother left me a book recently - I need to read it. She never says what she means, that woman. A pattern of avoidance that has carried into her children. S and I understand each other, just like our family. Cutting things off so as not to feel it. I like that we can be close, that I know I'm not entirely alone. S doesn't understand, he saw a different side. But S loves us both, you know?And I need that, the love of someone I think is normal. I want to know if S ever went to the doctor, do we struggle the same way? It's odd how eerily similar our lives play out. Everyone tells my mother she should be proud. I think so, too.

Two and half hours I talked to a virtual stranger about my inability to love. About my feelings had I had them. About disappointment, about meaning. She doesn't think I belong there, thinks I deserve to have answers.

It's going to be ok; I keep telling myself that when I feel down. A said I never sleep.

Effort.

The best kind of man plants lilies in his garden and brings you pickle chips from his business trips. I love that C is kind to me, and patient enough to allow me my space. There really is something unique about being around a man who makes you feel beautiful. I like his American friends and slather my face in Russian skincare. I haven't decided what I want. Grandma tells me I look beautiful in all the pictures.  I had drinks with J, who was a perfect gentleman and fellow creative. I'm thoroughly excited about the next couple of weeks, even with little idea of what that is going to look like. What can we do?

"You doing what you can, girl."

It's almost like waking up from some bad dream; I see change everyday. There are times I get sad and miss the past, but I'm happy to see everyone else is, too. It was a toxic place. I don't ever want to see those faces again. Today, anyway.

I was the only "I" in training, and went to the gym with A, an odd instance of us getting along. I'm always closest to those I can't even stand to be near at first. The most profound loves of my life are always found in people I hated. Mutually!

I go home in two weeks to visit K. I want to go back to copper, I always cling to the roots when reaching the tangibility of something.

I asked A to take me to the mountains in an odd want to hike. N wants to take me to the islands in a getaway from her own life. They know me.

"It ain't bad, Cat, it's just different."

I'm trying, God knows I'm trying.