Quiet and Not Sleeping

Internet stalking has proved invaluable.

Chrissy called toay to wish a merry holiday. I'm over it as I don't really trust the man. What ever happened to his old girlfriend? What happens all the nights I'm not around? I'm driving myself mad and for no good reason. He's a prick and we can all see it. He's cute though. I persist in my forgiveness. But that won't last forever. It is one thing, though, to know your friends, even if you didn't necessarily want it that way. I can't say I'd be sure to depend on him for anything, or even if I'd like to, but he does make me laugh. For better or for worse, it's something.

Visited my Irish grandmother today. She is very sick, it's the first time I'm really seeing it. I was nearly drawn to tears at the sight of it all. Watching her struggle to breath, and seeing how unhappy she was, and knowing that's the relative I most resemble in character. She felt it, too, what I felt all season long. At least I'm not alone. It was beyond sad though, to watch, a woman of remarkable character as she has, and had had even then, struggle. My grandfather loves her very much. And I'll smile for her now because I know she's still fighting. And someday, although the woman I remember is gone even now to the horrid mind-washing diseases of old age, when she ends her fight with this disease, I will be sure to smile for her. A woman who fought until the very end. A remarkable spirit full of the eccentricity that I will always cherish as my own. She has a strength I worry isn't understood by my father, or rather, that he doesn't show. It isn't how she is, but how she got through. How hard she tried and how she perservered over what horrible cards she was dealt and survived. Her wit, her frivolity, all of it, my father may never understand but I will, and do. And for that, I celebrate her now, and I will for years to come.

Feeling disconnected and bored by my maternal relatives. I just don't fit in. I drank Triple Sec and accepted that. I get bored of being different. My brothers are spoiled little children, and adored. It's disgusting. Granted, I didn't like my gifts, either, but I at least had the decentcy to say thank you and to smile. My older brother nearly laughed in my relatives' faces. Even after all the comments they make about me, I wouldn't I wish sometimes that they'd see I have the patience to deal with them, and that I deserve that as well. But for now, I'll smile and eat my calamari; I'm leaving in May, anyhow. You simply cannot change the old. My father was waiting with some dessert liquors. It is good to know at least he accepts me as does my mother. And who'd ever thought I'd say that?

So I dealt with yet another Christmas alone, but hardly so. There are so many people, perhaps not blood relatives, or even good friends, but whom I love very dearly. Thank you, all, for letting me grow.

J'adore.