Hold It Up

Whoel world is crumbling. Fucking up royally in every way possibly at school, Bloomingdales and Fir. Slapped a fat girl at work and now have to deal with charges of racisim and carrying on from her end. (admittedly, slightly proud of myself)

Have just left Fir, as well. I want to cry of embarrassment when I'm there, I hate these people and they way they speak to me. I'm taking it too much to heart but I don't like the way they speak to me. I get it; they're WAY ahead of me, I will not be hired, I'm naught but a pathetic unpaid intern they graciously allow in their midst. I get it. Next topic, please. I couldn't get down crop marks, just like I couldn't get down type changes. There is so much filth in our lives, must we clog it with poor eight sided communication? Ten sets of different directions for the same task are not making it any clearer. And I hate knowing what people think of me when it is negative. I hate being called paranoid and annoying when I know I'm hiding something much bigger. I am not dumb, I am not worthless, and I'm not too stupid to see that I'm bothering you. I get it. I just don't know what else to do. If you'd kindly let me know, I'd be ok. Too many cooks and just one bowl of soup. And I still haven't gotten a taste.

But what else can I do?

I'm young. Understand I haven;t had any enjoyment here on in my life thus far. I had a acrazy mother who beat me down because she was beaten. All my childhood friends are dead. I wake up every morning trying to think of how I'm going to finish what I don't even want to start. Cut the crap. Get rid of the fake smiles because I see it. Just talk to me not like an "intern" (whatever this foul word must communicate!) and speak to me like a person. Take me seriously. Don't humor me with side comments meant not to be understood by me. I get it. I'm not the girl you apparently think I am, but have fooled you instead. You only try harder to make me feel less and less significant. I'm no fool. I don;t want to be your friend, I don;t want to impress you even. I want to finish this. I want to finish this. I just want to finish this.

I'm doing the best I can with what I was given. Dignify me in doing the same on your end.