Beating a Dead Horse?

I want to promise myself that no matter what happens I will remember I who I am. They can't take that out of me, no one will be allowed that.

I came to some startling revelations this weekend about what I miss and what I'm willing to give. I feel so tarnished and alone these days. As if all the glitter faded and left what I am today. There are things I want to change, things I work to change, and things I can't change. But maybe I'm too liberal with the latter of these. I wanted to get up and run, run, run back into a place where I felt secure and comfortable. I don;t feel that way these days. I feel cold hard truth setting in. I feel glum. I feel like I'm losing everyone and everything I knew to be right and true to older age, a strange abyss where what I desire in some ways is only looked down on. Is this how all these girls feel? Resentful yet afraid? I don;t want to be afraid of anything, I want more than anything to be happy.

I'm not sure exactly what to pinpoint as the reason I noted for this change. Something did. Something fell out. Something made me take off the pretty lenses and see. Like a bad taste though, I can't seem to stop approaching it.

Big Brown lost the Triple Crown today, first hopeful ever to come in last. I watched that DaTara win and thought how typical, as if I saw the race before. Big Brown just gave up. I don't want to throw it all away for someone I don't find worthy. Am I giving in out of sheer disgust or out of fear of losing? Am I throwing in the cards for hate of the game, or do I truly hate my partner in it? Is it silly to contemplate? I worry about my impulses.

Things I know to be true are I love myself more than anyone, a love I learned because I lacked. Everything is dull and gray today. I don;t want to feel badly about myself ever again, and will never let another person tell me what is true about me. I'm taking that back, you can;t have what I worked so hard for and you tried to take once. This is mine. And I an be miserable and angry and upset and down and have not one positive thought in my mind, but I will always own them. I will always own me. And I am beautiful. I am not worthless. And I deserve beautiful, loving things around me. I deserve all that is light.

Love me how I need, don't ask me what I don't know. Don't push me, don't push me. Be delicate... the skin is tender where it's just healed. I only look strong, I'm fragile and calm, waiting between the trees. Trying to understand.