November 2nd

I want to just give up, to crumble into a ball and sleep all day long. I want to stop going to work, to stop trying to be anything but a waste. I just want to eat, sleep and cry.

All I can think about, is how no one wants me. No one needs me around, no one cares. It hurts so much to know I've failed again, and here I am alone, again.

I can't take much more of this, in truth.

Of all the women he dated, all those wasteful, whiney women, no jobs, no lives, no goals other than to land someone to take care of them, it just hurts me to know I was the one he did this to. It was me, I stood out from all the rest; I wasn't afraid to be without him; he figured I'd be ok. Worthless, I'm worthless, so much that only the trash his cousin dates, that drunk, was worthy of being protected where I wasn't. He just isn't ready to grow up, isn't ready, isn't ready. When did he decide I was ready, that he was even good enough? Who told him that? Presumptious scumbag. And it would be so easy for me to break him down, I know all the right buttons, but what good would it do? He wanted to be left alone - so much that he took this desperate plea at some 18 year old, he's got the rest of his sorry life.

But you fall off, you get back on. I can't immerse myself in problems that aren't mine. I have no desire though, no willingness to go through this again. This one, another banker, another trust fund baby, maybe that's what I'm good for. I can't even concentrate on my job, I'm so angry, so sad, so happy all these emotions, a constant swing of things.

But I did better today, hardly any tears. I just need a good rest, a nap that lasts all day, some time to listen to sad music and cry my eyes out. Everyone has a solution, a new man I must meet, date, everyone is rushing to me, quick to insult him, beat him down verbally, even his own friends write me! Everyone pities the woman scorned.

All I can think of is the facts. He lied about everything, and I never got to Hawaii. He didn't enjoy talking to me, the precious moments on the phone I looked forward to, any moments on the weekend. Torture for him, to the point where he was literally running away to Mexico to get away from me. What did he think, I was going to chase afterward? I respect the man enough, even now, to let it go.

I want to go back to the start, I don't like being here now.