Old

My last relationship ended heavily because of an 18 year old. I think he's with a 19 year old now. I told Jay, for the first time in my life, I felt old.

But honestly, these last feel weeks have been both unbearably ugly and beautiful in one. I've never felt so attractive, and yet so ugly somedays. I once read somewhere that 24 is a woman's most beautiful year, then only to read the next month in a publication that 36 is. It' hard to explain how I feel at the moment, at 23. I'm not sad like I was, not angry, either. Not afraid, and for the longest time, I mean this wholly. I meant what I said to Jay, I remembered what it was like to be that 19 year old girl, a 27 year old British Lord at the time, everyone remembers him, one of the key players in my bizarre dating adventures. At the time, I felt like I was being serious, but knew I wasn't. I don't have that fear anymore. The same Park Avenue princes I dated then look at me differently, not necessarily less, but differently, and I admit I'm loving the change. I'm someone to be reckoned with, now. They now think twice about sending me flowers, but the flowers come anyway. I will miss the clubbing nights, the dates with endless partners going nowhere, but now there's more substance, the same number of dates but a different kind. I'm no longer auditioning for a part I'll never have. I can have it now, and the men show that they know it, too. That certain cautious tone in their voice says it all. But they needn't be scared, I know what I want and now I'm sure I'll get it.

And the most unexpected part of this all is the younger men. I never fancied myself somewhat of a budding cougar, but I assume they do. I admit a certain curiosity. After years of being a living doll, I'd like to play the game a bit myself! And who can blame me?

The one thing I long to be better at right now is my job. I have been slacking so much lately, and this isn't me nor is it fair to myself. I want proper success, and that I can give myself so long as I try.

But I want you all to know, I'm no longer afraid. All the fears I had for so long are melting as the days go by, like a long suffered nightmare, only to awake, warm, safe, and laughing at my own misgivings. I want to do this right, and I will. I had it all along, just needed some help bringing it out. It's here. This is my time, my turn, my chance at last.

And I intend to take it, fully and wholly, savoring the moment as I'm afraid so many women I know never could or did. It's mine.

At last.

Thanks to all of you who saw me through, fighting tooth and nail to remain unenlightened. I love you all more than you know.

"Live through this with me, and I will die for you."
-Hole