Walking with Pride

There was a time when I believed that you could have anything you wanted if you just worked hard for it, that sticking with something, no matter how horrible, would eventually pay off. I used to believe in not quitting, no matter how bad it got. But maybe that isn't true.

I've wanted to work for Macy's my entire life. I wanted to grow, be with the company for good. I wanted to be a favorite amongst its forces, be involved in the better decisions. I wanted to stay.

I'm interviewing with someone else tomorrow, and I can't help but feel as if I am cheating on a long-time love, a relationship that was supposed to last. But maybe not everything is worth forever, not everyone is worth second chances. Maybe the stress and exhaustion I received from Macy's is no longer necessary. Maybe I'm just not meant to stay, maybe I don't have to. The realization that it isn't the absolute is perhaps the most freeing and liberating feeling I've every rationalized from this entire situation. I'm not saying I regret it, one can grow flowers from even the foulest of manure. But people and priorities change, and I can easily get this new job. I'm not sure where it will go, but who is? I guess we'll see what happens.

Maybe Kathy and I aren't so different, after all. She's just like me in a lot of ways, always looking for the most extensive thrill, the keenest sensations, the woman has been on more stunts than I can count. Maybe she wants out just as much as I do? Sometimes your picked on for reasons of envy. I refuse to be obsequious, I'm too old for that now. And, in reality, she really doesn't get much from bothering with me. This can turn out well, after all. I don't want to be angry at the world anymore, I don't want to feel alienated and alone; maybe this new job is all I need, all I ever needed? I guess we'll see tomorrow.

I'm scared and worried, but I know I shouldn't be. There's this underlying sense of calm in me I know I should cling to. I just have to look gorgeous, smile and remain calm. Maybe she had some hidden meaning of motivation in this scheme, who knows? I don't hate her now. I think her inferior, but she really can't help that.

I'm crossing my fingers that you'll keep up with me tomorrow, watching every move. I'm scared and anxious, and I need all the sanity in the world to keep me from completely flying off again. I can't ever let anyone take me there again. I'm going to hold my head up high, because, really, there is no reason it should be down. There never was. Those stupid girls in Marymount never got the best of me and nor will this woman. Nor will that dope Ron. Nor will all the specialists and their inflated egos and that pathetic Jessica. They have no idea the amount of time and effort it took to get me where I am today, and they wouldn't get it, even if we took all week to explain. They can't understand, how much a long line of very determined women loved me, so much that they're with me even now. Not divorce, public shame, embarrassment, or even illness kept us from it, and Kathy is no match. Not with her team, not with the company, not with that fat waste Sheila. I think it makes her angry and I'm sorry to see that. But she can;t take my shine away from me ever again, I'm not afraid of her.

So walk with me, tomorrow. I need the strength you gave to me, all of you. Through your stories, your lives. I'll never know your struggles, but instead your triumphs, and isn;t that the important part? Walk with me, and never let me go.

I love you all, for giving me who I am and always will be.