Numb

Today was the goodbye T day. I want you all to know we tried again on Wednesday, on his birthday, and it was perfect. Last night was sheer bliss as well; he cooked for me, even!

And here I am.

Here. In this sad townhouse that no longer feels like home all by myself.

I wanted to write this entry; telling you all that things went perfectly; that nothing happened and I didn't live in America after all, and I don't have to leave on Monday and that we'd actually make something of our friendship; but I can't.

I sat there, in the train car, and watched him walk away. It was all I could do.

How do I feel? I have no clue. It is a "bit sad" like he says I guess, but it's more of a feeling of shame. It is a shame this should happen this way. It is a shame that again, I'd be standing there as he went, and then as I went away, back to New York, back to my old life, back to bitching and school and living in my illusionary world of trying to impress people in the end who don't really matter. I didn't know what to say the entire time; the cabride, a morning nap; nothing. It just played itself out like the rest of our time together, easy; one thing after the next; smoothly.

I'm going to be okay because I have to. I have alot to do in this next year of college. I'm a strong person and I'm not going to be sad or sit around and mope. I've got a job to land and the buisness world to take over. A book to write and stories to tell. People to meet and adventures to have, too.

There's so much left to do.

In the cab ride back, I asked if he thought we would have eventually had a relationship; had things been different. He said he thought we would; it would be the only natural thing to have done.

And then he looked down and said, "Ah, well."

He's right; it's just one of those things, just a shame. A misfortune. What could have been done? I live thousands of miles away...





I know I'm too old to believe in fairytales now. But I really wanted the happy ending this time.