By George, She's Gaah-It!

Am laughing this morning as the entire Corless against neivahood has ended. Let me show you how:

Cor: Call me when you go home.
Me: Ok.


*some time later*

Cor: You had better not still be out.

*some time later*

Cor: You had BEST not still be out.

*some time later*

Cor: (Leaves unreasonably angry voicemail.)

*this morning*

Cor: How are you feeling this morning?

Is he kidding?!

So now I can relax. Corless is trash. The last thing I need is a controlling man in my life, and taking anymore of his time and enjoying his "gifts" would only encourage him to be possessive.

THIS being said, it all makes sense now. Silly Casey, must you be so foolish?

Poor neivahood, he liked me he did. And I was just crazed not because of some unseen insecurity of him not liking me, but more because it became this entire malfunctioning discombobulated argument against one part of myself against the other. I had been so worried about giving up the glamorous things I put so much value in I forgot why I left them in the first place. I thought back to, and got out the photos of Jonathan, and remembered what being with him was like, having that title that had nothing to do with me. The pictures change, as one fantastically named man became another. One suit after the next. All the expensive gifts I had accrued over the years, all the names I had, all the time I spent playing the different roles. I had so much fun, but I was ready to leave that world and honestly, I don't want to go back there.

One of the most marked things about living in London was coming back and seeing the photos. J always told me when we were girls that I was bad with my expressions, that my face gave me away. I never knew what she meant, and figured it was simply her being overemotional, I'm the logical one. But there are all different smiles in those photos. A different group of girls, one for every relationship she got into, something to define herself. I never had proper parents, I wanted to be taken care of monetarily, I wanted to be hopeless and endless adored, I didn't want to have control anymore for fear that I'd lose it. All I've wanted my entire life was to belong to something. But the photos of me, they were so alone. There are more than a few where I'm in a room of people and the only one looking at the camera.

I left because I wanted a life of my own.

And I've got that.

So as for neivahood, maybe I've wrecked it beyond repair, who knows? But I understand now why it was so different. I also get why he hated titles so much, and why I depended on them myself.

So the summer fades to autumn with a wiser, older version of the same things before.

I want you all to do something for me. I'm asking because I know it works. Hope I get there. Hope I'm someday able to open my eyes, turn the lights on, come out of the imaginary shadows that I've grown into.

I'm getting closer.

Adoration to all of you, who loved me, even when I wasn't lovable.