February

I ratted out the wrong man today. That was wrong and I feel terrible. I just couldn't expose the real problem. Does that make sense? I lie very well, sometimes so well, even I end up believing it.
I feel that, there are times, that I hide so much from so many people. I'm alone in this castle I've built up, and it's sad to think, I don't trust like maybe I should. I wait and wait, always expecting the bottom to fall out. And in the end, it sadly usually does. I whine when I get like this, but it's easier to accept the impossibility than to deal with any possibilities.
I really am sorry I hurt you. And there are times I am sorry I couldn't be what you needed. There are times I miss you, there are times I don't. You weren't there for me, and never could be. I couldn't be your Pelham Bay housewife. I'm sorry, I really am. I feel stagnant ever since, but it's a pleasure and relief to feel something, anything, after so long of feeling down and unattractive. I felt trapped with you. I felt as if I could never be myself around you without being judged. I felt like we always competed. I felt like you were out to get me. I felt like I had to hold back when speaking to you, for fear of being ruined somehow. I felt tied down, as if nothing good could happen to me so long as you held me back out of spite, jealousy, fear. You told me I was cold and unyielding, I just couldn't lie like you can. I couldn't pretend anymore. I planned a future with you that had no part of me in it. I didn't understand what you saw in me, I didn't see in you what I envied in other girls' lives.
You refused to go out with me for Valentine's Day. It's a stupid holiday, you used to say. I was never enough on my own. I eventually understood I was never enough.
I never gave to you. I understand that, in retrospect. I never let you in. I never felt I could. I don't trust.
I never told you I loved you over the phone, rarely said it in person. It seemed too silly, ridiculous, meaningless words. I was selfish.
I didn't want to be married to a man I knew I'd eventually resent. Isn't it true all husbands and wives resent eachother, you used to ask. Yes. You are the reason I believe that, and the way I treated you made you that way. I don't know how to be with someone completely. I'm caught up in this existence where everyone leaves the minute it stops being fun. I've learned to walk away with such ease I fool even myself.
There was a time I used to imagine the day you'd ask me. That turned to a dread, slowly into our relationship. What changed? I stopped chasing after you. For ten long years, I chased after you.
I'm sorry you loved me. I'm sorry I couldn't love you back long enough to last. I think you deserve someone who can. And maybe I do as well.