Catastrophe Averted

"Catastrophic thinking."

Maybe she is right, I used you. You were my imaginary house on the hill with the perfect life you never had an interest in. I took something, gave it all to you.

When do you forgive? Does the guilt dissipate?

A came over and lay on the bed and we talked for hours like we used to. Its hot in the apartment now that the summer is coming and everything is everywhere. We feel together; I can be myself with A. That love is something I can't appreciate enough; when I do not know what day it is.

I went back to the better gym, they have boxing there which I'm dying to take.

I want to go to the water tomorrow and stare at it to think.  I want to leave flowers for K, I haven't been to the grave in years. N at work told me her best friend died the same way when she was 15, I couldn't believe it. Her name means "New Beginning." Maybe its a sign she came when she did? They really have no idea how much they help me.

My mother left me a book recently - I need to read it. She never says what she means, that woman. A pattern of avoidance that has carried into her children. S and I understand each other, just like our family. Cutting things off so as not to feel it. I like that we can be close, that I know I'm not entirely alone. S doesn't understand, he saw a different side. But S loves us both, you know?And I need that, the love of someone I think is normal. I want to know if S ever went to the doctor, do we struggle the same way? It's odd how eerily similar our lives play out. Everyone tells my mother she should be proud. I think so, too.

Two and half hours I talked to a virtual stranger about my inability to love. About my feelings had I had them. About disappointment, about meaning. She doesn't think I belong there, thinks I deserve to have answers.

It's going to be ok; I keep telling myself that when I feel down. A said I never sleep.