Effort.

The best kind of man plants lilies in his garden and brings you pickle chips from his business trips. I love that C is kind to me, and patient enough to allow me my space. There really is something unique about being around a man who makes you feel beautiful. I like his American friends and slather my face in Russian skincare. I haven't decided what I want. Grandma tells me I look beautiful in all the pictures.  I had drinks with J, who was a perfect gentleman and fellow creative. I'm thoroughly excited about the next couple of weeks, even with little idea of what that is going to look like. What can we do?

"You doing what you can, girl."

It's almost like waking up from some bad dream; I see change everyday. There are times I get sad and miss the past, but I'm happy to see everyone else is, too. It was a toxic place. I don't ever want to see those faces again. Today, anyway.

I was the only "I" in training, and went to the gym with A, an odd instance of us getting along. I'm always closest to those I can't even stand to be near at first. The most profound loves of my life are always found in people I hated. Mutually!

I go home in two weeks to visit K. I want to go back to copper, I always cling to the roots when reaching the tangibility of something.

I asked A to take me to the mountains in an odd want to hike. N wants to take me to the islands in a getaway from her own life. They know me.

"It ain't bad, Cat, it's just different."

I'm trying, God knows I'm trying.