Have You Seen the Prince?!

Wow. The men of New York have always been,... erm, intresting, but lately more so.

Woke up this morning at some 3 AM to the sound of "I'm too Sexy," (which worked well as I was dreaming I was at a club with Woody Allen of all people ...)which is my phone ring. I pick up; it's skeevatz Chris on the line.

"I love you, Cathy."

Wow.

(Do they think that this is attractive?!)

The the second one this week! Well, it';s good to be loved, even if by some scrubs. It isn't that skeevatz Chris is a loser himself, it's just that he is such a loser indeed. Chris is like... a scrub in desguise. You wouldn never know he was bad until you knew him. I mean he has a master's degree, a good job, makes 75K, which is great for someone his age; can select a good suit, comes froma wealthy family, lives on his own, and has a good body. He's just so shabby though in personality... I cannot date a amn who, though he may love me dearly, eats at resturuants that do not even require a knife and fork. He's basically a bag of Lay's. You feel so good until you eat that last one and notice that that one little bag had 45% of your daily fat intake. That's Chris. Great until you get down to it.

A's loser called again, talking about it was his birthday and could they celebrate. We had a laugh over it this afternoon. These men are ridiculous. Sher even had another call from the elusive Leo... That's the fifteenth one thie week and it's only Tuesday. We wonder, we really do, how these men get up everyday and look themselves in the mirror.

"Why are there are so many great unmarriend women; and NO GREAT UNMARRIED MEN?!"
-Carrrie Bradshaw; Sex and the City

And so, a list:

WHAT I AM LOOKING FOR IN A MAN:
(Edited as of tonight)

1. A JOB.

(All others need not apply. This also includes men who work for minimum wage or under; on the books or off. If said job includes any of the following:

A.) Actor
B.) Artist
C.) Rock Musician
D.) Felon
E.) Model
F.) Pimp

Or any other position that can be preceeded by the terms "starving" or "struggling," you need also not apply. )

2. Some Style Sense.

This need not mean designer clothing at all times. This most generally refers to some form of clothing, natural fibers, please, at all times in public audience. Shirts with sleeves (unstained by antiperspirants) also a must. Please refrain from tacky paisley prints or MANDALS. NO MANDALS. Men should not wear sandals. NO. If said applicant's mother has purchsed item of clothing or entire outfit itself; applicant may well be disqulaified. And if it looks like 1987, it should remain there.

3. Must Be Single.

Be sure to keep away if applicant is currently involved in any of the following:

A.) An "Open Relationship"
B.) A "Bad Breakup"
C.) A Marraige
D.) A Divorce
E.) Anything Involving a mother of a love child which leads us into the next reuqirement:

4. NO FATHERS.

(This particularly applies if the father is of multiple children he is not currently aiding in the support of, whether this monetary or emotional, or if the applicant is father to more than one child by more than one mother.)

5. Must Not Maake Me Pay for the First Date.

(I do not believe in "going dutch." If applicant does not deem this fair, let's talk fair. I have pains every month that make me want to undergo a hysterectemy. My shoes are 5 inches tall. I will live the rest of my life being convinced I am fat/flatchested/ugly/badly dressed/unattractive. I spend an hour getting ready to meet said applicant while he spends maybe 15 seconds. Frankly after all that, he can pay.)

6. Must Be Good at Gift Giving.

(Expected deliveries of jewelry or other special item on said birthday, Christmas/ Hannukah/Kwanza, Valentine's Day, and any othe rocassion that would be deemed appropritate such as every first Tuesday of the month, as gifts for no reason are the ones that mean the most.)

7. Must Be Willing to Put Up with an Occasional Tantrum.

(Just nod your way through it. DO NOT disagree!)

8. Must Be Willing to Compliment When Needed.

(If said applicant is unaware of when this would appropriate, he need not apply.)

9. Must Have Some Knowledge of How to Operate an Auditory Telephonic Device. (phone)

(Applicant must know how to use this and use it correctly. Applicants who:

A.) Simply do not call
B.) Call at inappropriate times and refuse to get off the phone
C.) Call when in the room with a group of other straight men
D.) Call on speaker phone
E.) Call to make plans and expect me to leave the house within five seconds of said call which lead into next requirement:

10. Must Initiate Plans for First Date.

Any applicant calling with plans that include the terms:

A.) Hang Out
B.) Come to my band practice
C.) Come with my friends
D.) Come and watch TV
E.) Just come for the ride

NEED NOT APPLY.

Take me OUT. Not to your house to watch DVDs I do not care to see (Earnest Goes to Hollywood) or with you as you do your laundry. OUT. As in outside. Out of the house into a resturuant/theater/park/museum/lounge/wine bar.


Sigh.


Oh, sweet impossibilities~!