Mixed Up

Spent the day at school. I think I love that place and those girls more than I'll ever understand. There is something being female that makes all the pains; menstruation, birth control disasters, bad dates, cheap pantyhose, MOTHERS - particularly my Italian Catholic one!,- bikinis, endless dieting and feeling fatter than everyone else at all times, high shoes, being single, and intriguing stories of what (and who) we did while intoxicated that makes it all worth it. It was one of those days I didn't want to go home.

For other reasons as well. D.C. died last night. The entire circle of my home friends is distraught. I feel so shabby and worthless, I didn't know her that well. I can't get over this news! Just the other day she was there, eerily in the background, "Cathy Johnson, oh shit!" I went on myspace and looked at her profile again, it's like she never left.

If there were one thing I could get rid of, it would be the drugs. They kill everyone; they take away the lives of so many of us. I'm tired of losing us to this. I'm tired of us losing to this. The funerals... so many kids; always the same, the parent, you can never look at the parent; the siblings, the speeches, the atmosphere of pictures all over the papers and the neighborhood itself. I can't do this again. I want to collapse and sleep; I want it all to be over. I want it to be Wednesday when she was here with us and Alex was at her party. I can't don the black dress and cry anymore for lives that should never have been taken. Why does this happen to us?

And for you, D.C., I'll smile, crying my eyes out on the inside. Picturing you off and free, free from whatever chased you in this life. Attending every concert you wanted to. Up with all the people you wanted to meet. May you burn on, bright and young as you were.

"Kareening through the universe,
Your axis on a tilt,
You're guiltless and free...
I hope you take a piece of me with you."

-Third Eye Blind

All of my love, D.C.

Rest in piece and serenity. You were and always will be beautiful in my mind. We will miss you.

-"Cathy Johnson"




It just hit us today. After an entire winter of summer days, the cold New York winds have set in; it's going to be a long winter.