Blessings and Failures

Well, for all those who need to know, I love and miss all of you terribly. Sometimes I hate this place. My job at Marie Claire is, at best, less than glamorous. I sit and do returns of samples used in photo shoots in a closet all day without even a chair. Today I went on a photoshoot where no one talked to me and even went so far as to bash Americans in my very prescence. I nearly went home crying.

But I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having the time of my life, all editors of fashion (my boss is easily the ugliest woman I've ever seen... she kind of looks like Paul McCartney AFTER the good years... and they hired HER as fashion editor?!) aside... I'm making friends with the other interns at my office. The English girls love the way I speak and love nothing more than imitating me. We laugh alot and it keeps me going through the eight hour days. I'm beginning to love living at my flat with my roomates; I love the feeling of for once being in a place where I'm always welcomed.


NOW down to the real buisness. I've met the man of my dreams here. A sexy engineer who is both Irish and Egyptian (the strangest mix I've ever heard of) who just came up and asked me out at Piccadilly Circus the second night I was here. We've gone out twice already and he keeps calling. His name is T. He's 5'10 with dark hair, olive skin, and sparkling water blue eyes. He's the kind of man women look at in the street; obsessed with working out. But you know, dating T has put a new perspective on my views on relationships ingeneral. T isn't what I'vethought myself to hbecome used to in New York. T is more... Smart and successful, but not the lavish trust fund baby type I've become used to in New York. I am dating this man solely for himself. He is sweet caring and funny. He loves thicker girls like myself and thinks that I will be on the cover of Marie Claire. I never thought I'd actually find someone I genuinely respect; someone, who, sadly I know I may very easily not be able to keep as I have to go home and he knows that too... I am, for the first time in my life, with someone just to be with them, even if it may not be anymore than for a month. I never knew I could want soemthing rational, something more than the image of being happy. I want to cry my eyes with happiness and emotion when I think about how long it's been since I've been cherished this way, even by this virtual stranger... I didn't think after all I've been through at home, with friends, everyone leaving me, dying before we hit 18, this constant life of a stolen sense of security, that I could find happiness with another person solely for the sake of being happy. A new part of me is growing in this city, and I'm beginning to feel the winds of maturity all around me. Discovering what it means... what everything means... and how litttle I actually know.

I miss my home and my family and my friends, who I realize being here, I love more than life itself.