Ugly

I want to apologize every time we talk of it, because you're so perfect. There are things I don;t want to hit your ears, words I don;t want you to understand, a picture I don't want you to see. I don;t want you to know the truth.

And you, you disgusting selfish piece of humanity, I can't believe you'd do that. I wanted to scream at you every time I take you around the things I love, you destroy them. Why do you need to be this way? Why, after then ten thousand years we've traveled past this road do you feel the need to do this to me? I hate you for what you do to the people I love. But in the end, I know it's all you. You're just a sad, cynical bitch who never thought of anyone else but herself. Why do you need to be this way?! Why must you go out of your way to be as mean as possible to me? Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you to Hell and I hope yours is plastered wall to wall with photos of me. I want you to see my face everywhere when you sleep. Let's put up all the photos you denied. Let's paper the walls with the face that looks just like yours with the bruises you inflicted because you were miserable.

But in the end, I can't do that. You once said to me, I'll never be bigger than you. You got it wrong again. I'm bigger than you now. I can do things you never will be able to, I can see things you are blind to. I put up with you and stuck by you no matter how bad it got, that time you left me in the street all alone because of a B+, do you remember that? No, because, it simply didn't happen, did it? Oh, just another thing I did to hurt your feelings! Mean old Cathy!

It did. I know because I found my own way home. And when I got there, I realized you left because you couldn't come with me.

You don't belong there. Maybe you know that, secretly. I always said you were intelligent.

And in a way, I'm sad for you. You'll never get to know what I learned. You'll never know the person you thought you created. You shut it off so you can't now. And I'll feel sorry for you.

Again, I got there. No matter what you did to prevent it. Here I am.

I'm here now.

And I won't let you touch her. I won't let you have her like you had me. I won't let your words reach her ears to rot her brain like yours. I want her to be free. I want her to feel worth it, to know that I'm proud no matter what she does, no matter who she is, I want her to know that I'll stand by her and won't leave her standing alone. I'll let them have her, I'm very lucky really, I was saved. I want her to know them, I don't want her to be able to see the difference. They're more perceptive than you think, really. And there comes a time when I'd have to choose, and please be clear who my loyalty stands with. Don't be deceived in thinking that I gratify you for anything, and don't think that I've any desire to. I tolerate you because I have to, I love my brothers very deeply. I want her to have a sense of wholeness, so there is this as well. But I know you, and I know what you're going to do, and don't think I'm going to do anything to help your cause. I'll explain to her, you're just a nice old lady who was unhappy, and it isn't her fault.

And that if you hurt her, in any way, I will do something about it. That your threats and your words hold no relevance once they enter into a certain ground, and if they do, that's when we go home. I don't care what nonsense you believe, and I don't care that you're always right because I figured out long ago that that wasn't true. (you never seemed to be able to accept that, you know, and I think that's where you fell in) You touch her at all, you tell her the things you told me, you let her in on that tone of voice you used with me, I'm not going to stand for it. It would be my job to protect her, and I think what you did to me was most detrimental. I'd never let you make her cry or feel less than herself. No. I'm taking her away. Because I think she is a blessing. You never got to feel that way about your own. And in a way, I'm very sad for you. Because I can only imagine what a devastating loss that must be. I want her to be empathetic, I do, but when she's old enough to understand.

But what will you do? You'll be all alone. And I'm not taking you in. Not out of spite, but out of knowledge that there are things I cannot change, and you are one of them. You hurt me as much as you please, but I can't let you do that to the people I love. I'm sorry it has to be this way. And to know you're not just makes all the difference. I never really noticed it until I bought him in, after seeing his loud, happy family, behavior I don't understand fully as of yet, but I'm learning... and the contrast made me want to cry because I could tell he was uncomfortable. And it is beautiful I didn't miss that. It is beautiful that I can do that now. I learned what you couldn't teach me.

And in an odd way, I love you very much. You are my mother, and I'm only going to have one. I do wish things were, different.

But the truth is, I got home that day. I found it in the end, and years later I do remember.

Here I am.

I hope you'll find your way here soon. If you stick by me, I'll lead you to it.

As soon as you're ready to stop walking away.