Setting In

Talking to Ali tonight in England and he commented I surprised him; he couldn't have told months ago here I'd be. But there is something in that, drinking a beer I paid for and wearing a T-shirt. There was the time on Queensway, right outside of Hyde Park in the green silk dress I'd bought solely for that occasion, where I looked up and knew I'd get it. I never wanted to leave but the inevitable happened like always and the plane flew away back to things I couldn't do. I never understood them, the girls I'd so envy, smiling laughing creatures lazing on beds of lush grass that was endlessly greener than my own. I'd watch them all, standing in the rain of my own perceived loneliness, and know I wanted what they had.

But the truth is this; I never respected men. I never understood because I didn't know; and maybe some of this was purposeful, my secret nurturing side I so try to conceal like a battered woman's bruises. It was never something to pained but more or less a blessing if you use it right. And I can feel it awakening, growing in me as I get older. They do make you laugh, their secret helplessness. And you do find yourself enjoying their friends, like a pack of little boys. I missed out on things like that for just the right amount of time, I think. The answers they give you when you ask personal questions, the look they give you when you embarrass them, the quiet loathe when they figure out you're just pushing buttons, the pout when they're really upset, the tone when you hurt their feelings, the thrill when you call after just a little bit, the inquiry in their eyes when they're trying to read you. Precious.

But I stopped envying those girls just recently. Events of this year are turning my mind in so many different perspectives. I never thought the time I spent would benefit anyone, and I'd be at the end of the line, overjoyed as if some ordeal had passed. But the truth is is I never lost the most important thing. I'd never give her away for anything, and I never want to be in a position where I'd consider it, I love her too much to let that happen. I always want to be who I'm here, I want to know she;s safe and all her moments were recorded for a reason, some vain attempt at immortality as the inevitable may eventually happen and Miss Johnson becomes a Mrs. But even if it never does, I no longer fear that. And I'm glad I stood in my rain because I think it was necessary. I don't have that fear, I was never afraid. And when I do get there, I just think of all the amazing things they brought me. Some I pity, some I never knew, some I loved, and some I want to tell off. Who would I be today if not for them? And all that pain I sorted through recently, and got out all the photos, and I can't remember some of the names, but I'll always know how I acted.

Maybe she's angry because of that? A certain envy in the beautiful story I get to write out. And the women I most respect in my life were girls like me, who didn't always get it. And there is a marked difference between women and girls; flashy cubic zirconias against understated brilliant pearls. I adore my cousin more than almost anyone, she is really one of my best friends. And Crims, I want the best for her as well, I think she;s getting there. She is stronger than all of us. want to have that understated brilliance, a quiet elegance and demeanor. I want to be that dignified. I really do want that. I want to be Ellen, not Scarlett. And it makes me sad to think a lot of my friends won't understand this. Of course, I'd never wish bereavement on anyone, nor the end of something perhaps beautiful. But is it really neediness that men seek out? I'd like to hope not. But you have to sort through it, the endless times I was told I was cold. That wasn't it; I only gave what I could get.

I have been very happy ever since I left school. I learn something new everyday; a new reason to step out of the rain. and I wish that for everyone.