New

So things are getting interesting in 2009 as the social scene becomes hotter. S offered to have me move down to her building and Beth is coming to yoga next week.

S and D came over tonight and we had dinner.

I got so angry today that I decided it was enough. I vacuumed up everything. the dead rose petals, the photos, I want it all to disappear. I want to erase that girl I now hate, that stupid girl who was with that worthless white trash. I hit a point in my day today, where, when I came across a picture we had taken last year in my desk, it occurred to me that I didn't care what happened to him anymore. I threw the picture in the garbage and didn't look back. I want him gone now and for good. I want more than anything, my life back, the life I had before I got mixed up in that mess.

And the beauty is, I can.

Sometimes I think we resist change for reasons of fear. Fear of what happens next, fear of possibility, fear of something better. The truth of the matter is, change is imminent, and avoiding it is immobility; a price too high to pay for what isn't gained or lost. I'm seeing the beauty of possibility now, I'm seeing future. Everything beautiful happened after he got lost. The woman I want to be isn't with him. I wish I had seen this, I wish I had known, I wish I had never even started anything with him. I wish I could go back and erase every second I gave him, I wish I could have realized how much better I deserve. I wish I left that night I tried to go, when he held me back. I wish I knew I wasn't afraid.

I threw out the photo, I buried that girl, so desperate to be adored that she settled for so much less than she was worth. No one cried at her funeral. She had to die; and take his memory with her, that monster that robbed her of everything he could take. They went away today, never to be seen again.

And for the first time in months, I felt movement.