Resolution

Starving for perfection and not giving up the fight. Falling in love with my endless salads. I'm beginning to feel the weight come off. Even if this is only imaginary, it feels pretty good. I keep trying, that's all we can do. But I will treat myself to a turkey sandwhich tomorrow.

Work has been unusually pleasant. I feel like I'm growing. I see it in T, too, and I nearly cry with happiness. She's wonderful, she really is. And D! I love them all. I feel part of something, I really do. I worry as L is going to be the new V. L doesn't strike me as too great but we have got to hope. She enjoys my stories, first blessing. The other girls keep to themselves and I wear my glasses, so things are alright. I need a huge bottle of champy tomorrow for T's housewarming, lovely girls.

At yoga with F I made a promise. I refuse to deal with anymore nonsense. I need a man of action. Do n't need anymore friends. Don't bother me with what you did for dinner. Idon't care to know you got drunk off wine I can't afford. If you want to get to know me, so the bloody work. Remove my number  from your phone if you only use it to ask what I think of your clothes. I don't care about you anymore than you do about me. I find your self-preserving blather irritating. No more suggestions, no more hints, no more clever ploys that are as transparent as glass windows, only differing in that its usually me on the inside, looking out into the nothing you are really offering. Everywhere I look, it seems, someone I love is settling. I don't want to deal with that. I don't want to feel as if I'm consistently on the end of a poorly received message; calling like a telemarketer, always when you're busy. You cannhave that tacky-assed girl in the faux Tory Burch dress and Canal Street Hermes belt, this is what you're worth. I won't chase you. I won't bother to message you back if you've got nothing
To say. I refuse to be your obligation. You are never worth it.

What made you believe otherwise?

When I was cheated on, I believed it was the worst pain I'd ever feel. Years later, I see what a blessing it could have been. Where was I if not under him? Why are so many women killing themselves to land
in situations that are hardly tolerable?! What is it that happens to the girls we were? When did we stop thinking our lives mattered for themselves?

I look at B and see her strength. It happens to so many people, you get like this and it changes. But I want the good change. Not like too many weddings where the guests make bets on the divorce. I don't
know if I could be with anyone. I don't trust.

I see in their faces some element of surprise when I admit it, as if the words linered like so much glass shattered under the rug. I want reality. I want something I can cling to, not swallow down when I'm in my honest moments. I want to live, not wait. Thats a waste. I want to live!