Butterfly

I don't feel angry anymore, really I don't. And I stopped eating today.

After all that happened, my weeks of temporary insanity, of trying to understand, of trying to console, of trying to put everything in place, I realized, underneath it all was this overwhelming feeling of relief. My time, my life, my every thought and being, is now mine. I spent so much time blaming him for taking away from me, I never realized he gave me myself back. I'm free. Free to do and think and feel however I damned well please without any criticizim. Without any nerve wracking feeling of not fitting in, without having to try to be who I'm not.

I put my hair back to blonde. I've bought every single beautiful piece of clothing I could find, no longer restricted to buying for the dive bars we'd go to. I've never felt so attractive. I cannot wait to wear every piece I bought, an excitement I'd long forgotten. I cannot wait to put on my new emerald silk dress, my furs, my new cardigans. I actually want to go to the gym, but don't feel let down if I don't. I drink a latte everyday and eat whatever I like and actually lost ten pounds. I don't wait for the phone to ring.

I took everything off, even my necklace, and stood in front of the full length mirror. And for the first time in too long, I loved everything I saw. I didn't have to hear in my mind those stupid comments I never should have believed; how the bar trash that went before and after me had "bigger tits" (that disgusting word) "better hair" and "smaller thighs." I saw how gorgeous my pallor is, how smooth the curves. It's incredible how much we women compromise to get what we think want. We're great bargainers, so much that, like me, we often sell ourselves. Never again. I tap danced for that stupid man trying to please his low-life cronies for a year and I'm not about to do it again. It took me until now to realize that, all their dirty looks were jealousy. Of me or of him, depending on the gender.

While we were out by Lucky Chang's, the balloon man asked what I'd like for myself. I said I didn't know. He told me I looked new, special, and twisted me a butterfly.

I look around now and see that I'm surrounded by people and things I love and love me. All the men in my life now, if they are allowed to stay, earned their keep and made me feel like every woman should, beautiful and special, celebrated for being unique. I'm free to laugh, free to be whoever I want to. All the time and effort I put into trying to please him is now going to who deserved it all along. I don't hate him, but I know now that I deserve and need above all things, to be loved for who I am, the person he didn't want to meet. I have that now, and promise to never forget that ever again. To never live like that again, forgetting who I'd always been.

Thank you, for letting me fly.