Raining Men?

"Well, the thing is, we kind of thought you were, you know, like kidding." - Sher

So Chrissy came round again like always and we had a casual dinner in the park. He laughed at the breakup and said he always knew I was a liar. I told him I had no idea what he meant. He said: "I refuse to believe that you were not the center of attention for an entire year and that you were able to deal."

And then:

"And we both know, you NEVER pay for drinks."

And you know, I laughed, because he's right. We went over all the times he rescued me, all the crazy situations me and Sher and Ash and Bre and Sar and Sash got into over the years, the parties we went to, always with some dubiously infamous B-Lister. All the trust fund babies of bizarre circumstance I know. How I peed on Queensway in Hyde Park, Piccadilly Square still in light. How I got an ex I had nothing to do with finance a 21st birthday party - at the club with the vibrating floor - 2 years after the fact. The time I drank the entire bottle of wine and spoke French to some natives. The phase I went through where I tried to get into sports and ended up with my face painted at a Red Sox bar. The time me and Ash flew in those boys from London, and me and Sher had our share of drinks from an Irish soccer league. The time we wormed into the Balducci's bachelor party. The time I almost fell in the fountain in front of the Plaza, all the crazy times I enjoyed over the years with my friends, being myself. I never got to be that person around James, and never will. I had be resigned, maybe I was seeking a security I felt he could give, but in the end, you get bored of giving so much and getting so little. Yes, I was in love, but i never should have given so much of myself to hanging out with his friends who I knew from day one were not my perfect fit. I'm too old for them, in truth. They were fun sometimes, but I never got be the girl everyone of my friends says they're happy to have back.

I'm older now and what becomes a 21 year old doesn't a professional woman. I can forever remember that a man bought a BMW to please me, but in the end, I'm beyond those things now. But I'm not beyond having fun, and I never knew I would and could without him. The beautiful thing is, I'm beginning to remember what I had thought I lost, I feel beautiful. I feel exciting. I feel fabulous again. I'm not giving up and I have my mystery back.

"So how long before he comes back?"

He never knew me for what I am. He never went out with me with my friends, and for some reason I hid the person I can be, I wouldn't let him in on my interests, didn't give enough of myself to allow him in. He didn't want to know. And never will. I sent my email and he didn't reply because he doesn't want to change. I did so much changing for him and unnecessarily so, never again. It was so stupid. Cathy Jay should never have left the party. I should have never, ever hid. No man was ever worth that back in the day, and James was not the one; he's proven that. I will miss him for a while, he was something no one else will be, but maybe being alone isn't so bad. And if I were to ever do it again, I'd do it all differently. I'll never let myself fade again, never put up so much time worrying about fitting in when I've made a life of standing out. It was wasted time and effort. There was no need to hide. Everything would have gone better had I just been myself.

I am sad sometimes, angry others, but I'm getting out of it more and more each day. I have my life back, and in ways, couldn't be happier. Chrissy always told me, like so many other men, what a wonderful wife I'd make. But I'm beginning to see, how much I'm not ready for that yet, how little I really do want to be that woman just yet. I'm getting used to my new status and not afraid anymore.

Not afraid, not now, ever again. Amen.

"Walk with purpose. If you can't do it, get up try again." - Tennille, my "mentor"