And Here We Go Again...

The thing of it is, I can't seem to let it go. You have this, and the worst thing is, you know it. It's so odd you should think of it now, I mean, just out of the blue.

I go about my business now alone and everyday, just getting through it. I KNEW you would, so much that when I finally saw you there, it didn't surprise me. I didn't even enjoy the moment, just sat there getting angry at the situation I found myself in. (Dirtbag.) You wasted so much of my energy throughout the years, I'll never thank you for it. But then, I look up and you smile, and that all goes out the door...

You give me just enough to keep me going. You saw I was chugging along, feeling good, really good, making big changes without the distraction you became, and there you are. (And there I went.) I can't help it. I look at all your silly failed girls and, well, maybe you should know I was the best choice all along. Stupid boy. (I guess we all have hopes?) But there is some sick satisfaction in me for knowing you got rejected. Is that wrong? You like garbage, a lot of men do, no shame. But I've never been, never will be.

I can be silly, ridiculous, materialistic and shallow faced. But it's a front. I'm testing you. (And admittedly, so nervous, I'm ready to jump out of my hide.) I want to see where we stand. I want to see what you think, what you see, what you care about. I want to see if you fall for it. When you don't, you pass. When I visit Pelham Bay and see all the traces of the girl I can't leave behind, in the park, treading along the water where the fish can't swim, in the large weeds in my cargo shorts, I remember. I'm always going to be her, and if you're kind, and honest, and give me the time of day beyond the stupid banter, I'll show her to you. I dream of taking you to Edgewater Beach in the summer, I want to show you the enormous fields of sunflowers that grow in August in the woods, I want to drink a beer with you on the pier. There's nothing more I'd like then to take off this stupid costume, but it's not always an option. She breaks easily, and I hate to give her away. She's all I got. I've got to trust you.

There is something special about you that keeps me smiling. Maybe you think the same about me? the years I've known you... I knew it. All this time, I knew it.

I knew you.

(Maybe that sounds silly, but its true. Some things just make sense; can't explain it. I've always been like this.)

You come into my life perennially. (I always look forward to Spring.)

And so, here we go again...