Reality

I don't actually know who it was who said that lonliness is the human condition. My new home is wonderful, except in that it is empty.

I miss coming home and wanting to share my day over the phone with someone. I miss having real conversation with a man, not ridiculous meaningless banter I make when I'm nervous. I miss going uinto a room on someone's arm. I miss going out to dinner, getting drunk off cocktails, helpung to pick out a tie. J and I were so close that we had our own language. I miss that bond with someone.

I feel the last two years were big hits to my self- esteem. I felt sad and inadequate for so long that, now that I'm ready to feel differently, I'm not even sure where to start. It hurts to think of all the time and opportunities I've wasted.

I cried the other day because I once had hopes, and is it too late now to think that my life could be anymore than work and career? My job is the one love in my life, but I wonder is that enough? I've kept myself safe for so long that, can I even break it?

I'm scared and hurt and tired on the inside. I'm worn down thinking about all the negative. But is that really it?