Shanghai

You have no idea how this feels. It's like going to another funeral.

Like I said to you on the phone part of me is relieved. I'll never go down that path again and it's all over now for good. The future is open now. I don't want to see you before you go. I don't want ot have to stand like a fool and wave and smile like everything is okay. As damaged as I am, I forgave you and likewise. There isn't anyone for me to depend on now. And I can go on and try to distract myself with pretty things but the truth will always be that so few have ever really known me. You did and now you're going.

I pass by 80th and I think of all the things we did together, some bad, some good; but whatever, it happened and that's the mark of my very changing. I once told you you saved my life; all the glitter had become too much at one point. But ntohing you bring me has ever been 100% anything; always this odd mix of bittersweet failed intentions. But for the first time in my life, I knew someone tried.

You just didn't try hard enough. I've always said there are two people in my life that are always there to let me down. You will always be one of them.

But both of you I loved more than anyone else.

I wasn't perfect, wasn't quite what you had in mind, was I? Too young, too loud, I always manage to say the wrong thing at exactly the worst time, and I'm nearly guaranteed to make a scene wherever I go... not exactly your ideal Lady... and I guess you were right. Maybe it was too one-sided and I did become to narcissitic in the end. But I tried.

Will you think of me while you're over there? Will you ever call and see how I'm doing? I won't want to answer the phone, I won't want to speak to you, I'm sorry I couldn't do it. It wouldn't be fair to me to sit back and watch you go. Let me keep on living in an emotionless denial. Let me keep playing on with my sparkly distractions; don't make me stand there with no dignity.

There's no one left to be proud of me, now. I don't think I've ever felt this alone.

But I'm alive. If I crush my fist closed I can feel the blood pumping through, stronger than ever. I don't need your sympathy anymore, I don't need to depend on you to be there for me now. I don't need any more of this beautiful garbage. I don;t need any help standing up on my own two feet, especially from someone who only let me go. I'm attached and part of me is crushed over it, but I'm stronger than you think. You never saw that in me and it upset me to think that you didn't know. You aren't the first person to leave me but go because you aren't worth any part of me. You weren't bright enough to see this in me; and it's all a loss of yours. You missed your chance long ago and now you're throwing what scraps of it you had left away. So go on.

And I believe you know it, too. Your voice cracked on the phone. I've finally, after three years of wanting to see what it would be like, bought you to tears. I got into you.

I scare the hell out of you, don't I?

It doesn't matter. Get on the plane and go back to the hole from whcih you came. I don;t need another fairytale ending that never became. Part of me is always going to be stuck back in those days; I'm always going to forgive you just like you never stopped forgiving me.

"Which Catherine am I speaking to today, darling?"

I'm all different people, you're right. But you've never met the best of them. And she is going to soldier on, she can make it. You're never going to see me cry over this again. You're not just going to expect to roll up in here when you damn well please and expect me to be here because I'm not 18 anymore. I'm going away myself and starting afresh and you can kiss the ground that person walks on because you didn't take time to know her then and she won't give you the time of day now.

Karma is a funny, thing, Jags.

Maybe it isn't Karma but Fate instead.

Maybe it just wasn't meant.

Watch me rise. Watch me conquer what I've always wanted to, watch me achieve what we used to say I would... watch me as I'm walking away.


And I should hope, you'd look back and smile, whispering under your breath, "Sharp as a tack, that Kitty Cat."


And from the ashes of burnt iintentions, arose another dream, time and time again.